Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Independence Day

This is going to be a rough month for patriotic pride.

Not too happy about my state.

Not too happy about my nation either. Evidently the only the only ethical government official is this girl in her twenties.

I forgave her for using "clavicles" and not "clavicle" until I discovered I was the one who was wrong.

I still forgive her for her relentless use of "hung" and not "hanged". That's how pleased I am with her. Otherwise this would have been a bleak Independence day.

Poor Lina

I give you the tale of Lina Medina, a GIRL who had a BABY at FIVE. 

Evidently the poor thing had precocious puberty, which seems like progeria but just for your reproductive system. 

Pics or it didn't happen, you say? I give you pics then. Pics for your nightmares.

And to think I walked around in my youth being afraid of spontaneous human combustion, when I could have worried about this.  

 

Weekly Paint Progress: 6/30

This week the Blue Heeler went from this:

... to this, because my brother pointed out I had reversed the light and dark on the two sides of the dogs face.

The dog is resting its head on a piece of driftwood, evidently. It has new problems but other problems are lessened. 

Lady in the Bathroom

I was briefly in a hospital bathroom last week. A woman came in, and by the way she walked I could tell she was sick. Every move made her sigh, or grunt, or wheeze. 

She got into the stall next to me and I heard a deep, long, loud sound. As you do, in a bathroom.

Then she announced, "That wasn't me. That was my walker."

It was a good laugh. When I got out of my stall I saw she had indeed dragged her walker sideways into the stall with her. 

So, that's a good line if you ever find yourself in a public bathroom. 

Reviews: [SPOILERS] Gentleman Jack, The Staircase, Jerry and Marge Go Large, Old

Season 2 of  Gentleman Jack cut back on the two things I particularly like: the carriage-bounding and the sly looks at the camera. I don't know if the lead actress came up lame or what, but they literally wrote the carriage out of the plot, shipping it off to London for repairs and replacing it with a smaller vehicle. And there were only a few direct looks at the camera. Sigh. That's your money-maker, HBO, why cut back? 

The Staircase played it safe for the true-life tale of an ambiguous murder / accident / wildlife attack. If you want answers, you aren't getting them here. Colin Firth sums up the whole series in the last shot: he wanders through a trail of emotions just in case you might think you know what's in his head.

Jerry and Marge Go Large was a low-impact action-free caper movie telling the real-life tale of one man successfully gaming the lotto. Sadly, it had so many movie tropes and gimmicks that I spent the movie saying, "Oh come on. That's too pat. Did that really happen?"

Old was an example of M. Night Shyamalan banking on my poor memory. Trigger warning: our family was well represented, with MS and epilepsy both briefly taking the stage. Rufus Sewell is in it, and I should tell you right now, there is a big McGuffin that will not be answered until you look it up after the film is over. 

They were all flawed but watchable. 

Almonds

I asked Gary, "Why don't murderers kill people by just putting cyanide in almond cookies and just burning them a little? To trick those rare people who say cyanide smells like burnt almonds?"

After several side arguments from Gary (IT'S NOT CYANIDE IT'S STRYCHNINE / YOU CAN'T SMELL CYANIDE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TASTE IT / ALEXA DOES STRYCHNINE SMELL LIKE BURNT ALMONDS) we found that I was partly wrong: the cyanide-smellers don't say the cyanide smells like burnt almonds, they say it smells like bitter almonds.

"Okay, fine," I said, "Then why don't they make almond cookies and add something bitter? Then no one would suspect. Everyone would smell 'bitter almonds' when they smelled the cookies."

He said, "What are bitter almonds anyway?" That led to some more research, and come to find out, you know what there's a lot of in a bitter almond? Cyanide. 

So how is it that only "certain people" can smell cyanide? "It smells like bitter almonds," they say, smugly. Well, yeah duh. So they're really just special because they know what a bitter almond smells like. Can I get some bitter almonds, sniff them to see what they're like, then hire myself out as a cyanide-sniffing specialist?

Also, there still seems like you could "accidentally" swap out normal almonds for bitter almonds  and murder someone that way, that would be even simpler. Especially since this Magic Nose Cyanide-Sniffer job seems to be a bust.

Weekly Paint Progress: 6/23

This week the Blue Heeler went to... to only this, because the white paint that took things back to scratch hadn't dried yet.

 

You tell me: is the paw on the left side of the image on top of the paw on the right, or is it the other

 

Scary Video

I have been alerted by YouTube that one of my videos has been tagged as Not Safe for Kids. 

I would embed the scandlous video, but it insists you go to YouTube to view it. So here's a link, but you wont see much. You will see a gathering of a variety of animals, from the full-color days, a melting pot of wildlife, and then a skunk snaps at a raccoon who got too close. 

Is it that kids don't need to see aggression without consequences? The email says I can protest, but I rather enjoy "'la scandale."

More Surprising Family News

I was talking with my brother about our parents' divorce. We agreed on the date of the separation, the divorce, and the whisking off to Galveston and the subsequent end of summers with Jerry.  

"And that was the last contact we had with him," I said. (The official end the relationship was the big "I will never see you again because it's just not worth it" speech from Jerry on the drive to the airport. Last contact, good riddance.)

"Well, for you, but he sent me letters," Dave said.

"What? What? For how long?"

"Two years. Then he stopped."

What ... the actual... Hell. If course, my brother doesn't remember what these special father-son letters said. And he doesn't know why they stopped. (We both know why I didn't get letters: girls don't carry the family name, so why bother parenting them?)

Also, sad for my brother. I'd rather have a kidnapping and legal action end a relationship than to just have it dwindle away. No wonder he has rejection problems. 

Surprising Family News from Mom Beyond the Grave

So, what I wanted to write about was how distressing it was that the renters painted the fireplace that I grew up scrubbing with ACID to clean while retaining the original color.  That made me start thinking about the Japanese tree mural my long-dead Aunt Dolores painted in the foyer of the house on Jamieson Ave. I wanted to post a photo of that foyer, so that led to all the dozens of photos of mom, Dolores, and my Granceil (Grandmother Lucille).

I never found the foyer photo, but did find a wall painting Dolores did for, I suppose, a boyfriend. 

However, that was not the most salacious thing I found.

I found this photo of Granceil with the long, LONG dead son Jimmie.

The family chronology is that Jimmie died of a contagious illness in the 1930's, then Mom got polio, and then my grandfather Earl couldn't take it anymore and became an alcoholic. My grandmother soldiered on, but soon tired of Earl drinking his paycheck away. She eventually divorced Earl and then met and married my step-grandfather Arthur in the late 1940s.

Uh, nope. I turned the photo over and read this note, penned by Mom in 2002:

"Around 1932 ... She is wearing a necklace given to her by Arthur in one of the many separations from Earl."

Wow. Wow. So, the love of the step-grandfather Arthur dated back to waaaay before I had been told. She was seeing him before Jimmy died, before Mom was born, before Mom got polio at 13, before Earl became an alcoholic?  Wait what? If I shook my head right now, it would sound like Looney-Tunes slide-whistles.

And I don't remember Grandceil liking either man. She had bitter complaints about them both. No wonder she looks so unhappy.

Breaking News

I am so delighted now that CNN no longer starts every hour with a 'BREAKING NEWS' logo. It just cheapened the news so much.

But now the big question: how will they alert us when the news is breaking, now that we're conditioned to ignore the breaking news graphic on the chiron, the one crying wolf (Blitzer) at the top of every hour?

Will they use the full screen logo when news breaks?

Of course I'd love the spinny stark retro Big Breaking News logo, the one that really gets me going. Back in the day when breaking news meant something, baby.

Of course, the day I realized CNN really had scaled back and acknowledged that there isn't a breaking news story at the top of every hour? That was the same day that MSNBC broke in with their breaking news logo, and reported that "MARCH THAT BEGAN AN HOUR AGO IS STILL GOING ON."

Weekly Paint Progress: 6/16

This week the blighted Blue Heeler went from this:

.. to this version, in which many things have been un-painted to be re-painted later.

 

Trump Hearing

Before I began watching the Jan 6 Hearings, I viewed it like a Marvel summer blockbuster. Would it would live up to the hype? Or would it just be a rehash of the disappointing prequels: the toothless Impeachment Trial #2, Electric Boogaloo?

It was interesting seeing Ivanka jolt like a nervous Bichon Frise and say, "I respect Attorney General Barr," when he spoke against her father. Sad to hear Jared call the brave staff who threatened to resign, "Whiners." 

When I heard the police officers saying they'd lost the line, I worried each was an officer who committed suicide in the next few days. 

And any shabby hotel I stay in will now be described as "not as satisfactory as we would hope" ala the Nick Quested the documentarian. 

There were parts I couldn't watch: the officers being shoved, the woman telling the police, "No, you back down," anything with the blond officer fighting against the huge crowd of men with the bike rack. 

But at its heart, it didn't have what I want: a smoking gun in Trump's hand. Still, I want to hear more about what Mr. Quested saw when the Proud Boys didn't walk where he expected and why he had to be subpoenaed, or why there were several police suicides after, and anything Trump said on tape. More episodes next week. 

Weekly Paint Progress: 6/9

This week the Blue Heeler went from this:

... to this:

This dog's face is making no sense to me. The legs make no sense. 

The original photo doesn't help. I need to bring it Photoshop again.

Jan 6 Hearings Tomorrow!

Screw concert replays and Q&A sessions, THIS is the communal experience I have needed. Two devices: one for Twitter feedbaxk, one for Facebook.

When I was a kid my unemployed father watched the Watergate news. I asked the new neighbor if she was watching, and she said she wasn't around to see the first crucifixion and she didn't want to see this one either. 

That's what I'm hoping for, with Pence playing Judas and revealing secret tapes. 

Ted Lasso: a Review

I was complaining about something at work, and a colleague said, "I feel like I should give you a little plastic army man." He answered my befuddled face with, "Haven't you seen Ted Lasso?" 

That was mystifying, then six months later I asked another colleague why his Zoom background was a locker room image and got the same response. 

When a third colleague gave a five minute powerpoint presentation on professional development using nothing but stills from Ted Lasso ("How does Roy Kent utilize transparency to transform from the person he was in Season One to hugging Jaimie st the end of season two?"), I thought, "Oh all RIGHT already," and gave in.

It took a week, but I did it, I saw all the episodes. Some parts I believed entirely, like all of Jason Sudeikis' Emmy-winning acting, which shows up in ways you would never guess, but are hinted at at the end of the pilot. Some parts I did not believe, like the female lead's storylines, even though she also won an Emmy. I do believe that the two male leads are the writers, given the fun wordplay. 

Obviously I would recommend it. Heartwarming but not cloying. Plus, now that I've binged it I can keep up with the Young Folks at Work.

Weekly Paint Progress: 6/2

This week the Blue Heeler went from this:

... to this:

I will need to lighten the cushion she's on so I can get some contrast in there. 

More Praise for the Post Office

So, while I was navigating the USPS post office site to find my mis-addressed package, I found they have a new feature: Informed Delivery. If you sign up for it, a few days later they email you photos of the mail coming to your mailbox. 

For example, today I am getting this piece of junk mail:

... plus a more officious-looking bit of junk mail:

... and two other pieces of junk. So, not going out to the mailbox today. 

If there are packages, it looks like they list them separately. i almost want to send myself a letter just to see it show up in my email.

Weekly Paint Progress: 5/26

Attempt 2 on the Blue Heeler went from this:

... to this:

Treeple

My brother lives in Albuquerque, town of his birth, where the air is too dry to cause any asthma flare-ups, and where he can say "I ate at that diner!" for every diner in Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul. 

He knows many meth addicts, because yes, they do have a lot of meth there in New Mexico, and he's always giving me little peeks into the world of addiction. Most recently, he told me about "Treeple."

Per Dave, and that link to Urban Dictionary, Treeple are the shadowy people who live in the trees and follow paranoid meth addicts.

It's odd to think that a drug causes reliable, specific hallucinations. I know I've read that people who take ketamine share a hallucination in which they see tiles and then fall down a hole and meet God. Like, "Have some K, say hi to God for me."

I have questions. If you take Ketamine and Meth at the same time, which hallucination do you have? Or do you have both? Do the tree people follow you down the hole where you all have lunch with God, until they start whispering to God and He turns on you? Does the ketamine trigger the hippocampus, hence religion, hence God, and if so where is the part of the brain in charge of tiles? And where is the paranoid lobe, or the tree neurons?

All of this sounds a little like the urban legends about people on LSD trying to fly. I don't know how much to believe. Let me know if you've seen God or Treeple, or if you have a friend who has.

Busch for Senate

Well, this is remarkable. A member of the Busch family (of Anheuser-Busch) seems to be entering public politics, as opposed to the politics practiced by the other influential St. Louis beer barons in her family. 

And she isn't even a Borderline Busch, she's Gussie Busch's daughter by Gertrude the Blond. Her name is Trudy Busch Valentine and she's running for senate as a Democrat.

I want you to know I am allllll in for this, Saint Louis. I want to see this show. It's going to be fantastic or a disaster, because that's how they roll. 

Class of '22

Raccoon babies have arrived two days earlier than last year.

 

Weekly Paint REGRESSION: 5/15

Regress this time, becuase this week the Blue Heeler went from this:

... to this.

I am starting again. I'll set the poor attempt aside, and try again to make a smaller, more thinly glazed dog, like the first one, as they need to be a pair. Trying again so they seem to be painted by the same person.

Weekly Paint Progress: 5/12

This week the Blue Heeler went from this:

... to this.  

Yeah, that's just weird. I think I reacted to the black and white with a touch too much color. And the legs are technically accurate but strange at the same time. That whole thing needs to be knocked back. I need to prop the last dog up on the table so I can make them look somewhat the same. Might be too late for that, though. 

Ruffles!

Well! This was a bit of good news. I opened up the Amazon toilet paper delivery and found a surprise. It's the wavy-edged toilet paper I was so enchanted by in 2021.

I just had to wait a year and it came to pass. I've used it every two hours and it still delights me.

Weekly Paint Progress: 5/5

This week the Blue Heeler went from this:

... to this.

On further analysis I see I have misinterpreted the dog's two paws. Easy fix.

Party in the CIA

Weird Al Yankovic. Contemporary. Genius. The car Alexa, (inspired by my love for BNL and their peppy tunes and dark lyrics, and Boothby Graffoe and his sad songs with fluffy lyrics) served up a completely unprovoked Best of Weird Al playlist. I had heard most of his songs, starting with My Bologna on the Dr. Demento show. (I am still amazed other people were allowed to stay up late enough to hear Dr. Demento play gems like Dead Puppies.)

But one Weird Al song I hadn't heard was Party in the CIA. It is perfection. Perfect rhymes, perfect counterpart to the original song (Party in the USA), perfect juxtaposition of cheery pop music and brutality, perfect takedown of the CIA. 

Go here for the video, skip the ad, and use the lyrics below to sing along. (I would have linked to an ad-free lyric video, but not one had the correct lyrics.) Be warned, the downside to the video is that it does take the perfect balance of pop and brutality and tip it too far over to the brutality side.

I moved out to Langley recently
With a plain and simple dream
Wanna infiltrate some third-world place
And topple their regime

Those men in black with their matching suitcases
Where everything's on a need-to-know basis
Agents got that swagger
Everyone so cloak and dagger

I'm feelin' nervous but I'm really kinda wishing
For an undercover mission

That's when the red alert came on the radio
And I put my earpiece on
Got my dark sunglasses on
And I had my weapon drawn

So I get my handcuffs
My cyanide pills
My classified dossier

Tappin' the phones like yeah
Shreddin' the files like yeah
And then I rised all the enemy spies
I've got to neutralize today

Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA

I've done a couple of crazy things
That have almost gotten me dismissed
Like terminate some head of state
Who wasn't even on my list

Burn that microfilm buddy, will you
I'd tell you why but then I'd have to kill you
You need a quickie confession?
Well, start a water boarding session

No hurry on the south American dictator
I'll assassinate him later
That's when he walked right in my laser sights
And my silencer was on and my silencer was on
And another target's gone

Yeah, we've got our black ops all over the world
From Kazakhstan to Bombay
Payin' the bribes like yeah
Pluggin' the leaks like yeah
Interrogating the scum of the earth
We'll break them by the break of day!

Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA

Need a country to stabilize? (stabilize)
Look no further, we're your guys (we're your guys)
We've got snazzy suits and ties (suits and ties)
And a better dental plan than the FBI's

Better put your hands up and get in the van
Or else you'll get blown away
Stagin' a coup like yeah
Brainwashin' moles like yeah,
We only torture the folks we don't like
You're probably going to be OK

Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA

Weekly Paint Progress: 4/28

This week there is a new dog.

I had to take him into Photoshop and tweak him.

Here is step one:

First Hallmark Movie

I know lots of people enjoy Hallmark movies. They're like McDonald's, always reliable, comforting. I've never seen one, even though the TiVo seems to think I would really enjoy them. I just shudder and press delete.

Gary roped me into watching one because it was in a subset of Hallmark movies based on the Aurora Teagarden mystery stories that he enjoys.

I was struck by how damn pretty it was. Every scene is set in a gazebo or an autumn forest and somehow only the tops of the trees are red and gold and then the color ombrés down to spring green. Even the parking lot scene included only new freshly-waxed cars.

The people are of course pretty, though Gary complained they aren't as diverse as they are in the books. I would say the main character is pretty, but I was distracted by her messy/perfect braid. See? It's clearly a fake braid woven into her real hair.

And the very first scene is set with a camera trick of her braiding "her" hair.  With that distraction I could not suspend my disbelief for more than half an hour and I stopped watching.

Still, I watched part of a Hallmark movie, so that's a new thing I did this week.

Weekly Paint Progress: 4/21

This week the dog went from this:

... to this.

Dog is done! Here's where it started.

Weekly Paint Progress: 4/14

This week the dog went from this:

... to this.

I think it's time to compare values with the original. And I overdid the upper lip. But some parts are better. One more pass, I think. 

Oscar Meyer Yum Choir

So I didn't notice it at the time, but last year the Oscar Meyer company evidently began an ad campaign in which a choir sings the word "yum" repetitively. 

It was only this year that the grey-uniformed singers began to look sinister.

Look at these guys. Do they look a little Russian to you?

Vladimir Putin looks at the new uniform on the left and says, "Yes, he does look like a Yum Choir member, very good."

Billions

Billions writers, enough with the pop-culture references.

This is me watching Billions.

(Pauses TV.)

"Alexa. Who is Greg Stilson?"

"Here's something I found on the web. According to fightbookmma.com, from 2002-2007 Flanery played the troubled politician, Greg Stilson, opposite Anthony Michael Hall in the USA network's The Dead Zone."

(One minute later.)

"Alexa. Who is Rielle?"

Alexa doesn't know, but Google says she's Rielle Hunter of the John Edwards political scandal.

I am happy to say I caught the Pete Weber reference.

But that's only because I grew up in Florissant and I had a friend who dated  Petey Weber.

If not for Shannon, I would have had to ask Alexa.

Weekly Paint Progress: 4/7

This week the dog went from this:

... to this.

Liking it less. I need to paint less of what I see.

Bogey March

Since watching Bridge Over the River Kwai I have had nothing in my ears but the music to Colonel Bogey March, and of course my brain is searching to remember the words. I almost got there on my own  -- I switched Goebbels and Goering, I think. 

So I looked up the exact words to "Hitler Has Only Got One Ball" in Wikipedia, and found not just the words but the delightful photo commentary to the right.

Blaze

A few nights ago I heard odd whooshing and banging sounds outside the front window. I thought it was my neighbor to the East, slamming car doors and trunks. Then I heard a bang loud enough to make me scream and jump.

I peeked out the window and things were calm to the north. I looked out every window in the house, and the only odd thing wasn't a noise, it was a color.  The pear tree -- which had just bloomed all white that same day -- was now lit up like Christmas. Well, if the Christmas colors were orange, yellow and red. 

Some of you now know what was going on. I've never been in this situation, so I was unaware.

I had looked through every window, so all I could do was look out the front door and ... 

1. wonder what was going on to make all that noise on the other side of the street.
2. walk off the porch to see the massive truck entirely on fire in the neighbor's driveway.
3. yelp "Jesus!" and run back inside.

I got Gary so we could both be horrified by the flames leaping as high as the peak of the garage. The truck was firing out missiles, too. Gary immediately decided the man had been hoarding cans of gas in his truck bed and they were exploding.

Another neighbor came out to tell she'd called 911 and they knew already ... and on cue we heard the sirens. We hid inside and watched the disaster through the blinds. 

The next day there was no evidence but a truck that was half shiny cab and half gutted grey truck corpse. 

Weekly Paint Progress: 3/31

This week the dog went from this:

.. to this.

I don't know how I forgot that ear on the right. That'll take a while to fill in.

 

Movie Week: Race [SPOILERS]

12 Years a Slave - Well, I always love a true story. This was one of my favorites, though at one point I couldn't watch the flogging any longer, and yes I know the real people couldn't turn away from the flogging. If  I didn't know there was a "happy" ending I might have given up.

In the Heat of the Night - I liked this one because it didn't go where I expected. I expected the sheriff to be stubborn for much longer, but they had him grow earlier than I expected. And Sidney Poitier was so spectacularly cool. The plot? No idea. It all came down to something about abortion, but how the dead man connected to that I could not tell you. Also, I will never chew gum again. 

Moonlight - This was lovely, and I don't know if it belongs in the race category, really. Maybe it would fit in a poverty category. Or a "being authentic" category. Or a "recently eclipsed  Academy Awards scandal" category. Somehow, though almost nothing happened, the pace didn't bother me.

Here are my nine movies, ranked from most favorite to least favorite:

1. No Country for Old Men
2. 12 Years a Slave
3. Patton
4. Moonlight
5. In the Heat of the Night
6. Deer Hunter
7. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
8. Bridge on the River Kwai
9. All the King's Men

I notice the correlation between the age and the rank. 

Movie Week: War [SPOILERS]

Patton - I had to watch this three hour movie over the course of three days. The first hour was spent establishing Patton as an interesting character: a Renaissance martinet. Oh, and also, explosions. Forty-five minutes of that hour was used up with explosions.  Give me an explosion-free version of this movie. I would say I liked the screenwriting, but it seems all the lines I liked were just quotes from the man himself. What I did well and truly like was the music. 

The Bridge on the River Kwai - Again, another ponderous war movie. I couldn't go to war, I would be bored to death. Perhaps I'm just used to the pace of a 90 minute movie with poor cinematography. I know the end is supposed to be suspenseful but, is it? Is the bridge not going to be blown up? Of course it is. What is so odd to me is that because they used the name of an actual place, it suggests this is what happened, when it is not what happened at all (evidently there were two bridges and the one blown up was the shabby one, which prisoners built at gunpoint). Why on earth wouldn't they change the name? Change the name and you can write and film what you like. I liked the conflict in all the characters, though I find it hard to believe Alec Guinness could lose sight of the big picture in that way.

The Deer Hunter - Yeeessh. Man, I did not like that movie. It was uneven. Russian Roulette, Part the First; hard to believe, hard to watch, but compelling. Russian Roulette, Part the Second, utterly ridiculous. How does Mike get the money to fly back to Saigon? Did they explain that? If they did, I didn't see it, probably because I was skipping over one the ponderously slow sections in which I had to watch iron smelt. And the singing at the end?  Was there no better way to end it? People did some tremendous acting, I'll give it that.

Movie Week: Bad People [SPOILERS]

No Country for Old Men - I actually enjoyed this movie. I wasn't expecting to; I had chanced across the gas station coin scene years ago and said, "This is not for me." I liked the subtlety of the ending, thank you Coen brothers for that choice. And for every bad person there were three good people. I liked that too. 

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - What I found most interesting about this movie is the IMDB page. The book was narrated by the chief? Fascinating. And they cut that out? No wonder  the author won't watch it.  Also, the behind-the-scenes story  is incredible. One person diagnosed with leukemia mid-filming, early dramatic roles for two comedic actors from Taxi, Michael Douglas made bank, another person legitimately had a meltdown (two if you count Louise Fletcher, who evidently wanted to make a point that her character wasn't her, so she took off most of her clothes for cast and crew). 

All the Kings's Men - I have recently had enough corrupt populist politicians to last me a lifetime. This movie did make me look up Huey Long, who seems like a piker in view of recent history.  I never would have guessed I would agree with John Wayne about anything, but he rejected the script with the complaint that everyone was evil. Of course, that's the point, and probably the reason why the book won the Pulitzer Prize, but really you just hate everyone at the end.