What do you want out of sex

I just began reading "Come Together," by the same woman who wrote "Come As You Are," and it asks an interesting question, which is: why do you want to have sex with others? What motivates you? 

She promptly knocks down the obvious answer ("Feels good") because you could also feel good by yourself.

So I thought about it, and what I kept coming back to was "To reward someone." Not in a transactional way, like, "You emptied the dishwasher like I asked, here is some sex for you." More like, "You have a good heart and are a good human and I think you deserve to have everything you want from me." 

But then I began thinking, what are some other answers for other people? Power, I guess, the power to elicit a reaction from the other person. Maybe validation that you are attractive? Maybe wanting attention just in general -- now that I think of that one I wonder why that was not my immediate answer, because it is my motivation in so many other things. 

I wondered if perhaps that was just a Gary-specific answer, and no, all the guys I wanted were pretty pure of heart (or presented themselves that way, I suppose). Before Gary, as a teenager, I thought more than once: "You are an honorable, non-grabby boy. As a reward, here are some of my grabbable parts, have fun, fella."

I don't know where I got this idea that I am the Jumbo Bonus Prize for a virtuous life. It's peculiar. 

Comments

[KC]

We do want the world to be more one way than another, and we have limited power, so the rewards we can give are at least *something* towards that?

(I remember reading something about, basically, the boggling advantage in today's dating world in *treating women like humans* and *being a partner instead of expecting women to do everything for no rewards other than your existence* and how they know a guy who was trained by his sisters to be an actual decent guy, and that he does in fact tell other guys who are bemoaning the dating market and how women just aren't interested in them about his results and: look: you know: you could expect a woman to magically pop up who will tolerate you as you are, despite your years of evidence of how sparse those women are, *or* you can put in the work to become a guy more women actually have an interest in being with and thus actually become partnered with instead of... not. I have some concerns that some guys would take that in a "be a decent guy until you land someone" direction, but then also if you stop being decent you may get ditched, so there is that. But. Anyway.)

But also there are things that are not "reward" so much as "gift"? Or "natural result of positive associations"? I don't know.

[theQueen]

KC - that's an interesting take, that I'm trying to reward male society as a whole instead of one individual guy. I think my goals were not that high.