Gary is too much with me; late and soon

I was thinking about the marital arguments we once had. Well, I was longing for the marital arguments we once had. They were so much calmer than the current arguments. And they always stemmed from the same straightforward source: abandonment.

Not there when I came home. Calling to say he wouldn't be home. Not calling to say he wouldn't be home. Being at home and not staying in the living room because the reading light was better in the bathroom. Any time he wasn’t there, generally, poor guy.

But then, oddly, there was always another common fight: the joined at the hip fight. I would want to run out for an errand on the weekend, the only time I saw him, and he would insist on coming with me. And I hated it. Why would I with my abandonment issues hate having Gary with me, which was exactly what I wanted Monday through Friday? Because ... because it wasn't my idea? Because Gary would turn an errand into an expedition? Because what you love is what you hate? 

Somehow with Gary retired I still have the same issues: either he's charging into whatever room I’m in, usually demanding attention while I’m on a Zoom call, or he’s asleep.

I don't know why I can't be happy with what I’ve always wanted. 

Comments

[KC]

I think it's fairly normal (a regrettable part of human brain functioning, but normal) to want *total access* (24-hour grocery stores are *useful* sometimes! and with people, then we know if we do want someone, we can have them right then! and we want people to want us around!) but to not be able to cope with someone else having total access to you (for behold, it is not always a good time, thanks).

It's right up there with wanting an invitation to every party but not wanting to go to parties.

But yes. Sigh.

[theQueen]

KC - Excellent analysis. You have it right there.