Shoes

I went in to work the day before yesterday. I wanted to wear my wedding ring, so no one would again make the understandable assumption I was divorced. Only, now every ring I own is too large or too small. Also, I wanted to wear my overly-long dress pants, and that meant finding my tall dress shoes, and I have not laid eyes on my dress shoes for four full years.

So I was late. I hustled out of the parking garage, through the revolving doors, and then when I hit the hallway I saw something fly off my shoe. These shoes have large rubbery soles, and evidently part of the sole had calved off like an iceberg. I popped it in my purse and moved on. 

It wasn’t until I was in my department that someone pointed out I was leaving tracks on the carpet as if I’d stepped in something. 

Then I took off my shoes.

Evidently, the heels were disintegrating with every step. I showed what was left of my shoes to a co-worker, Don, who recoiled a tiny bit. He later explained, "She arrived at my desk, barefoot, holding her rotting shoes in her hand like some kind of cat with a dead animal."

I was a little afraid they might progressively collapse like one of those controlled building implosions, so I left to get other shoes. Heel breadcrumbs lead me home like Hansel and Gretel: in the elevator, the revolving doors, the parking garage. 

After I returned in my reliable flat shoes, I remembered the tiny flinch Don gave when I waved my shoes in his face. At the very moment I realized I could find some heel debris and plant it near him, he casually tossed this chunk on my desk.

When your opponent returns fire before you even declare war, you just concede. 

Epilogue: I did some research to see if shoes are like horses and they require constant exercise. Evidently this brand of shoes, NAOT (Nordstrom: TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS, Ebay, Shoes of the Dead: $35), have polyurethane heels that are only meant to last a few years. 

When I got home that night I found another pair of NAOTs that looked fine but crumbled under my fingernail. I pitched them in the trash with the others.

Comments

[KC]

... yeah. A friend recently mentioned that shoes she'd brought out of storage to sell on ebay literally fell apart in her hands. I would like not-that, thanks, in my durable goods, unless what it turns into is, like, compostable/nutritive, *maybe*?

[TheQueen]

KC - it’s Probably the high humidity in St. Louis. I found this quote: “As WIRED pointed out a few years ago, even museum-level conditions – 68 to 72 degrees Fahrenheit with 45 to 55 per cent relative humidity – can’t help: That level of humidity is still too high, and using a bunch of silica gel packs would have minimal effect.” St Louis Average annual humidity: 77%

[CHM]

The notion of shoe disintegration is, to me, quite upsetting, but you have told it so well. "Heel breadcrumbs lead me home like Hansel and Gretel..." and "some research to see if shoes are like horses and they require constant exercise" -- brilliant!

[theQueen]

CHM - Why thank you. I've never read about shoe decay before, so no cliches, I hope.