Cranky Old Man at 70

Today is Gary’s 70th birthday. I remember when I was first engaged to him, and Mom cautioned me that our eight-year age difference would come back to bite me at some point.

“Oh, no,” I scoffed. “It sounds like a big age difference now, but when he’s 70 and I am 62 it won't be a big deal.”

I was wrong. It IS a big deal.

I am now a concert-loving, museum-going, well-traveled cosmopolitan sixty-something saddled with Emma Woodhouse’s father from the Jane Austen novel. 

He wakes up daily with some complaint, say, a sore foot from an injury he got thirty years ago. “It’s my foot,” he says, “I can’t vacuum / leave the house / put on my own socks / hide from the tornado in the basement.” His day is spent trying to be comfortable. He changes chairs and sitting positions like Mr. Woodhouse avoided drafts. 

Combine that with his belief that part of the discomfort is best relieved by being an ass to the person taking care of him, and my next twenty years look bleak. So, the dynamic is about to change. I told him I'd be traveling alone on the next vacation, which I hope will be next year. I also told him I’d be doubling the budget for that vacation because I don't have to pay for him. 

I will gladly spend all the other weeks of the year putting on his socks. I know he won't like it, but that’s how it is. And I suspect that after a few vacations alone Gary’s foot might feel better. 

Comments

[KC]

Has he considered getting a therapist? Having someone to vent to who is *not* the person who has to put up with you all the other hours in the week can be handy, in addition to the, like, normal function of (hopefully) improving adjustment to the world and oneself. It *does* suck to be in pain, and for people who don't have much going on to distract them, it probably sucks worse?

But yes, also training someone to have... improved manners... towards their caregiver can be a challenge. Good luck.

[theQueen]

KC - Hahaha. Oh my. No, no therapist for this one. Control ones emotions? Might as well be dead.

[KC]

Siiiiigh. Really, I think Gary would enjoy a therapist, but sigh.

[theQueen]

KC - I can report he did NOT enjoy the visits to the marriage counselor, the closest Ive seen him to a therapist.

[KC]

Ah, but a marriage counselor is trying to find good ground between two people, rather than mostly listening to one person. Also useful! I strongly endorse marriage counseling. But the focus is very different.

[theQueen]

KC - I have enough trouble getting Gary to listen to a doctor because he always claims he knows more about what's going on in his body than they do. A counselor would be someone who claims to know more about what's going on in his head than he does, so thta would not fly.

[KC]

Maybe he can get a rubber ducky to tell his problems to.

[theQueen]

KC - he does have a cat now.

[KC]

In theory, that might help. In practice, it depends whether venting to Goldie reinforces annoyances or releases them to some degree...

(I just read the book "Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before and now want to hand out copies to eeeeeveryone, although the tone may be annoyingly earnest to you.)

[theQueen]

KC - You sound like me and the Four Agreements. "Random person, let me tell you which agreement you need to work on!"

[KC]

*goes off to google Four Agreements*

[KC]

(... we literally cannot avoid making assumptions; guessing the most-probable-case or most-probable-meaning of a word/phrase/tone/object/etc. is something we do literally all day long. Does it mean something more specific and practical than that, she asks when the book is probably available through the library and she could in fact read that chapter/section...?)

[theQueen]

KC - it’s more like, Be Aware You’re Making Assumptions and they aren't real.

[theQueen]

Also, I wouldn't read the book. It seems to be a lot of filler for something that fits on a poster, Four agreements, two you do well naturally, two you struggle with. When you are agitated, pinpoint the agreement you’re breaking. For me I struggle with Assumptions and It’s not all about Me.(Often at the same time. Gary hasn't come out of the bathroom in some time? I assume it is because he hates me.)

[KC]

Aha.

(last time I was agitated but didn't know why, though, it was because spouse was delaying on going to get the grocery pickup order [it was over half an hour after the end of our pickup slot hour], which I figured out the *next* day was partly because my subconscious mind had noted that we were in the second-to-last available pickup slot shown and thus the pickup employees might go home an hour after the end of our slot, and partly because I haven't adjusted to the "we have n95s now, it's okay to go in to buy food when we need it at random" thing that makes grocery pickups waaaay less urgent than they were for over a year there, and partly because the grocery store kept sending me "your groceries are waiting" automated emails, which incorrectly amp up the sense of urgency. Is that identifiable as Agreement(s)?)(probably the "maybe we will inconvenience employees" part? but the generic sense of "groceries are urgent" probably not?)

(THANK YOU for letting me know the book can fit on a poster, basically.)

[theQueen]

KC - I agree that was violating Be impeccable with your Word. You had promised the pickup for the employees a certain time. I don’t know how to counter that one. Send an email saying you couldn;t do that time?