Ancient Secrets Revealed: Part the Second

These are secrets I have kept from myself.  Things I have wondered about that have obvious answers I've recently realized. There have been two lately, both minor, but so long delayed that they qualify as self-held secrets.

TV Snow. I was afraid of the snow on the TV screen until I was a teenager. In that link I wonder why I was afraid of the static that filled the TV screen in the pre-cable days.

Now that I'm older, the answer is obvious. The only time I saw the snow at the end of the broadcast day was when I was up late. The broadcast day didn't end until midnight or one in the morning. And there was only one way I'd be up watching TV that late: my parents and brother weren't home. So the TV would keep me company until the broadcast shut off, and that meant I was utterly alone in the house. I got over it at eventually because the solitude that is terrifying at eleven is awesome when you're twelve. 

Promotions. I hate work promotions. I actively avoid them. I have a list of reasons: the new workload is never worth the money, the heightened expectations set you up for failure, and you replace a job you are good at with one you can't handle. 

Recently a well-meaning co-worker tried to convince me to ask for a promotion. As I was listing the reasons above, I realized the real reason. At its core, asking for a promotion is asking a man (usually) for money. And given that the Deadbeat father directly said I wasn't worth the hundred dollars a month I cost him, I don't like asking for more than the minimum. 

In a movie this self-revelation would lead to a montage of me confidently scaling the corporate ladder, but in reality that is not going to happen. 

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So, two mysteries solved. Nothing significant, just little nagging questions put to bed.

Comments

[AH]

Are we the same person?!

Although the first one was never a secret for me. I was afraid of snow because I was traumatized by the movie Poltergeist.

But the second one hits hard! This is exactly me with some added fear of failure mixed in because if you asked for it that means you wanted it and getting denied something you tried for and wanted is the worst kind of failure.

[KC]

Oh good heavens. I thought I never wanted promotions because I never wanted to be in management [which is *TRUE* I would note] and I am allergic to disappointing people, like one might if one were to be given more responsibility and paid for it, and I never had anyone who was in a position to be snarky about child support, but... AH: "This is exactly me with some added fear of failure mixed in because if you asked for it that means you wanted it and getting denied something you tried for and wanted is the worst kind of failure."... hello. Failing because you didn't really try: not fun but eh. Failing when you did really try: OUCH.

Humans and brains and emotions, oh my.

[AH]

Sorry I realize now I made it sound like I also had parent issues and I didn't, I am very lucky there. But despite that I did still manage to develop some of those worth-questioning feelings, along with a very healthy dose of imposter syndrome!

[theQueen]

AH - And the second one is essentially BEGGING FOR MONEY on top of failure and male authority figure rejection. And imposter syndrome means you are really good at something, right? If so, congrats on your success, even if you think it’s undeserved.
KC - In general, I think if you try and fail at something then you are better than those who didn't try. But that only applies to artistic attempts or acting or cheerleading. Not to promotions. So ... how is it different? I guess because with a promotion you are judged on your potential, not what you have done in an audition or exhibition, maybe.

[KC]

... I suspect it isn't actually different. :-) Although with promotions the people involved may have slightly more data, 1. at any given time, they might not have budget/other space to promote someone, and 2. it appears that there aren't any places where humans are involved that are actually *fully* a meritocracy.

[theQueen]

KC - that's true, it is often a competition with promotions. And then in my experience, the person not promoted comes to you and demands to know why you were promoted and they were not, which is awkward.

[KC]

... eesh. That is definitely something to ask *the person who made the decision* rather than *the person who was promoted and likely wasn't told* but yeah, humans.