HR Burka

At some point in the last 20 years, HR departments codified their sexual harassment rules and banned "unsolicited compliments" from the opposite sex. Thus, if I I look nice, the women on my teams can all agree that I look nice, and the men stay silent, as if they cannot see past the impenetrable HR burka.

If I see my friend has shaved his beard and looks 20 years younger, I have to keep quiet, but of course I don't.

I mean, I've been the target of the "nice blouse" compliments. I know compliments can be creepy. But most of the time they're nice. I think there should be an exception of some kind for old friends. Or perhaps a facial hair codicil. 

(I didn't get in any kind of trouble for my compliment, and my friend took it graciously. But still, it felt odd that I was lobbing compliment bombs across the male/female border.)

Comments

[Allison]

"HR Burka" is funny.
It's also ridiculously heteronormative and naive. So it's fine if a man says "Gary, those slacks make your ass look incredible", or a woman says "Your rack is looking stellar today, Susan"? These blanket solutions are always kind of dumb.

[KC]

(I'd bet that if they'd forbidden men from complimenting women, 90% of the problematic comments would have been cleared off by that *BUT* also I'd bet that the specific men who are especially likely to be "complimenting" women that way would have gotten mad at any policy that was about only men not being allowed to do things, so they needed to make it equal [and there's probably a solid % of creepy women-in-power-to-younger-men which making it equal would also disallow, so: bonus!]. But yes, there is still available creepiness outside of that particular case. And there is a lot that is Totally Fine and even prosocial that the blanket ban would disallow, but it is hard/impossible to make policy solutions for human problems without erring on 1. leaving problematic behaviors unaddressed, 2. disallowing some non-problematic behaviors, and/or 3. being so complicated no one can really remember or follow them.)

[theQueen]

Allison - Maybe the prohibition should be on "specific" compliments not "unsolicited" compliments. Perhaps I shoukd change my zoom background to say "soliciting compliments today."
KC - I think it's one of those policies that lean heavily on the "reasonable person" argument. "Would a reasonable person find this compliment offensive?" But of course, so much of it can't be quantified: the leer and the tone. I suppose they have to have so e kind of a trap to catch the offenders.