Rewriting the Novel: That New Draft, and Again, May I Say, FFS

One of the reasons I had trouble closing my suitcase on the way back from Albuquerque was because I was carrying Fave's ashes and Jerry's evidently-finished novel. If you recall, a few pounds of Dave had to stay behind, because I wasn't going to trust Jerry's novel to UPS.

But then, when I got to the airport I realized there was no way I could get the extra weight of Dave and Jerry into the overhead bin. I risked a Hemingway novel railway situation and checked the bag. 

Based on the first 25 pages, I shouldn't have made any Hemingway comparisons.

Well, to be fair, the first sentence is good:

"Duke Pritchard did not like the sound the rotary table was making. He did not like it at all."

That is followed by three and a half pages describing the specific actions Duke takes to correct the problem. From "He kicked in the clutch on the rig's drawworks and reached up in back of him with his left arm until his hand found the engine throttle" to eventually "Dude maneuvered the drawworks brake up and down until he eased the bit back on bottom."

I would have written, "Duke fiddled with the drawworks and corrected the problem." 

Speaking of Hemingway, I thought my writing was tight, but perhaps it's just tight in comparison. I ran my third draft through the Hemingway App and evidently mine is bloated as well. Also, I use the word "just" every other sentence. (See above.)

Comments

[KC]

I want an author to use the right number of words; this is usually not the absolute minimum. (... but also usually a tiny fraction of the number of words I use. So there is that. But I'm parenthetically inclined and decidedly rambly, and you are not, so there is that.)

If you want the reader to enter into the world of repairs and frustration, then a slightly longer version than "fiddled" would make sense; if that is not necessary, then I like your version better, in part because I have no idea what a rotary table even *is* in this case...

[TheQueen]

KC - it is an improvement over his first draft, in which there were fifty pages devoted to how an oil rig works.And even though I read that fifty pages, I also don't really know what the rotary table does. I think it'’s what causes the drill bit to rotate. I don't think it’s germane, that’s the thing.

[KC]

If something is not actually *doing something positive* for the reading process, out it goes! Just, sometimes you need descriptions for pacing, or for setting the scene, or for creating contrast, and that is fine...

[theQueen]

KC - I could see that for pacing. And it does make you feel like you're there.