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October 18, 2021



I think this sort of "I love you" is a "I vastly enjoy your existence and your presence in my life is delightful" - more similar to a "I love coffee" kind of thing from someone who really loves coffee. Which is different from a celebrity muah muah I love every person I meet sort of thing.

(which is a pretty darn big compliment, honestly, but does not come with the duty/baggage of marital/family "I love you"s, I think?)(although may come with some impulses to help you or care for you or otherwise retain your you-ness at the company or in their life?)


KC - I think you are right. Still, it would have been good to have had coffee-level of love.


You've got it now, anyway! (but yes, Small Ellen could have used those words quite a lot.)(I got a lot of "I love you, but I don't like you very much right now." - I am sure that I was told I was loved separately from that, but I don't remember any instances. Also being reassured that as a baby I was very wanted, which makes more sense now that I know my mom's history as a Surprise Baby, but for whatever reason, when I was a child, I interpreted this as "I wanted a baby so so much and I got *you* and it turns out you are a difficult child and why couldn't you match my preferences more?")(note: I *WAS* a difficult child. Extremely difficult! And my mom did better than her mom, which is good. But communication is still not totally successful...)


KC - difficult how? And yes, I don't think Grandceil was handing out any I love you s. My distaff side shows their love by showing up every day.


Stubborn, messy, lied whenever convenient (I became actually-Christian as a late teen and that altered, but before that? Anything was fair game, which was very sticky esp. for the actually-sick-or-not question), had to have everything proved to me, did not trust my parents, did not believe in their understanding/common sense/knowledge in general [barring their specific specialties], and a weird mix of "don't care" and "you misunderstood something I told you while you were hanging up laundry so I will close off that avenue of communication for a decade+" and therefore: complicated and difficult.

I mean, basically, *I* really, really wouldn't want to have to parent me at any age beyond infant (by report, I was a very snuggly infant, although also croupy and also on a bizarre sleep schedule that I simply *wouldn't* change, so actually yeah, maybe I would also not want to deal with me as an infant!). I guess, I don't know how one could do a decent, non-miserable job parenting me from age 2 through 19 even *with* the inside scoop on what was going on in my head, therefore: difficult child.

(I was not, like, sadistic. And not furniture-destroying, aside from gnawing on my bunk bed wooden safety bar [why would one enjoy doing this? I do not know, but I did as an early grade-schooler...], but man. Difficult.)


KC - sounds familiar except the part about the laundry. That does sound difficult.

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