Since January Gary has expressly forbidden me from buying the giant big-box blocks o’ of toilet paper that I like to keep in the basement because I like to stock up in case there’s a pandemic or SOME SUCH THING. I now only buy one week’s worth at a time.
Of course this week he demanded the Walmart pallet-sized toilet paper. I responded that there’s no relation between Covid-19 and toilet paper, he just suddenly wants to buy it because it’s a Thing he can Do.
”NO ALL OUR U.S. TOILET PAPER IS MADE IN CHINA AND NOW ALL THOSE FACTORIES ARE CLOSED SO THERE WILL BE NO MORE TOILET PAPER.”
So I went to Walmart to take the required photo of the empty shelves.
Check out my photo of this woman also taking a photo of the empty shelves.
We chatted only briefly because she was on the phone. Evidently this woman was giving a live-on-the scene report from the Walmart for her housebound friend.
Gary also wanted soap and surgical masks — no doubt also made in China — so I was trolling the aisles. I kept encountering her taking photos and talking to her friend.
”Soap’s all gone ... why are there no vitamins ... guess people want to stay healthy to fight off the virus ... yeah, no Kleenex, it’s tiny toilet paper ... Fiber One bars are fully stocked, no one cares about that shit...” and then I think her friend suggested the relation between too much fiber / too much shit / too little toilet paper, because she laughed.
And it wasn’t just this woman, everyone added to the party atmosphere. Know that when the Apocalypse comes, if you go to the Walmart, you will find all the desperate people banding together to help each other out. It sounded like this:
Stranger A to the crowd: “Have you all seen liquid body soap, is there any left?”
Stranger B to Stranger A: ”I saw some Palmolive dishwashing liquid, you could use that.”
Stranger C, to the crowd: ”IF ANYONE’S LOOKING FOR t.p. THEY HAVE THESE flushable wipes HERE ON AISLE 24”
It was delightful. Gary went out and easily found toilet paper at the Dierbergs, so all is well.