Recently I read my gMail spam folder. It's all scams: they'll send a huge payout if I send them what seems like a relative pittance. Scammers have branched out from the Nigerian prince's millions and are promising a variety of things as payout. The most intriguing was a red diplomatic box I supposedly forgot in a locker at Heathrow airport.
The pittance I was supposed to send to secure the payout varied as well. Most emails were looking for a few hundred dollars as a "processing fee" or to cover the FedEx bill, but this request surprised me. (Edited for incomprehensible content.)
THE BOARD [of] DIRECTORS OF WESTERN UNION AND FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE ... STATED THAT YOU ONLY HAVE 5 HOURS GIVEN TO RECEIVE YOUR FIRST PAYMENT OF $3,000 USD BUT YOU [must first] SEND [this] DEMAND WHICH IS ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU HAVE, JUST TO PROVE HOW SERIOUS YOU ARE.
CapsLock scammers, you got me going with the Western Union / Finance Ministry alliance. Why back down with “ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU HAVE?” Points off for lack of commitment to your craft.
I thought it was interesting that the most creative scammers only wanted information instead of cash. The humblest request came from a Mrs. Grace Felix: a lovely woman regrettably trapped in Syria who would send me her all funds if I just sent her my name, address, and cell phone number. I liked her immediately. You get an A+, Grace Felix email scammer. I'm sure you would not have been as nice on my cell phone when the real scam began.
Another request for information came from a diplomat, who had a been visited by some Australians assuring him that I was dead. “You are giving 24hrs to confirm that you are still alive. If you are still alive, You are to contact me back immediately with the below information.”
The emails from the scammers who only wanted information were much better written than the ones that demanded up-front good-faith cash. I suppose scammers going for the long con paid more attention in school.
A number of the writers were advanced enough to employ irony. Christopher Wray, F.B.I. agent, was concerned that I had not yet received my funds.
I notice that you have being receiving numerous emails from people who claims to have funds coming to you ... those people has being investigated and confirmed to be a Fraud.
(The F.B.I is not the only agency looking out for me. The combined forces of the BRITISH HIGH COMMISSION and THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT warned me about corrupt and frivolous Bank officials diverting my funds to "their private accounts in order to satisfy their selfish interests.” That little bit of self-awareness tickled me.)
But the very best spam email came from the Widow Calista Gibson. It's well capitalized, and punctuated, and it had some nice exposition and character development too. In just a few paragraphs she sketched out her cancer diagnosis, her millions, and her spat with her brother-in-law. Go here if you want to read it in full. I've read other Dying Widow scam emails now, and the one that came to me is just a work of art. She ends with:
Please reply now as my health is pretty bad, It’s urgent and very important you keep this email confidential.
Have a blessed day and do not forget to pray for me.
Balls. Ballllls, Mrs. Gibson. If the Nigerian Prince has his own Wikipedia page, I think The Widow Calista Gibson deserves her own entry.
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