Gary grew up on a schedule. According to him, not only were breakfast, lunch, and dinner served at precise, set times, but there were schedules and time limits for bedtimes, fun outings in the weekends, and so on. His parents still adhere to a schedule - they allow themselves thirty minutes a day for local news, a certain number of hours for the newspaper, and their evening fruit snack is always at the same time.
Naturally, Gary rebelled as soon as he began running his own life. He has never stuck to itineraries or set work hours. And now that he's retired, one night he goes to sleep at 5 a.m., another night he's asleep at 7 at night. And more power to him, I say. I get it. Where I grew up dinner was scheduled when the food was done cooking, so I can't even imagine what it might be like to have to leave the zoo at three p.m. because dinner was scheduled at five.
The only time his impromptu lifestyle is a nuisance is on the weekends. I want to get a few tiny personal goals done on the weekends, because I Have a job, and weekends are rare and precious. It's just hard to plan my time, given the moving target that is Gary's day.
The friction begins when Gary wakes up.
Me: "I'm going to run to the grocery for milk."
Gary: "If you just wait a minute I will go with you."
And the for the next two hours Gary does a variety of things, and when I say, "What's this? We were headed to the grocery and now you're Facebooking / in the bathroom / feeding the raccoons / clipping your toenails/ shopping on Amazon?" Then he says "Stop bugging me! You know I hate being on a schedule! Gimme a minute!" And, then, repeat.
What I need to do is yell from the garage, "MILK, BYE!" and not wait. I've learned this lesson before, when he worked all evening and would show up when it suited him. Don't wait. Live your life and if he's there when you're there, all the better, but don't wait.
Of course, that’s just going to lead to more friction.
Any chance it would work to say "going to the grocery store in exactly [5 minutes or other reasonable get-your-shoes-on amount of time]" and then, in five minutes "see you when I get back!" if he's not there yet?
(but yes: this would drive me nuts. But it is also not-fun to be yanked away from what you were doing, especially when that's loaded with Family Issues. But when it's totally optional to go along, then you don't *have* to be yanked away from what you were doing? I don't know.)
Posted by: KC | February 27, 2019 at 10:26 AM
Here's about where I am:
I run my entire life on a schedule because we have a toddler and my husband cannot seem to grasp that screwing with her sleep times or mealtimes is a recipe for meltdowns. I would rather run on a schedule than deal with eminently predictable misery and fury from The Small. There's a little give in the schedule for some things vs. others, but sleep and meals are extremely consistent because they have to be. My husband participates or not depending on whether or not he's gotten himself together enough, but for things where it matters, he accepts that "we need to leave by 9:30" means that he needs to be ready to go.
I would just tell Gary what you're doing and then do it with or without him for the most part. I also wouldn't suggest that he come unless you have a particular need for him to be along. But for the things where he does particularly need to be along or for things where he's volunteered to come, I would say, "be aware that we need to leave by X time." And if he came back with "I hate to be scheduled," I would want to point out that his life is mostly unscheduled and that he should jolly well accept that his desires should not be his ONLY priorities. Particularly when his desires apparently run a lot of his priorities on a day-to-day basis. He is not the only person in the house: he should be willing to treat what you need as a priority, too.
Mind you, I am so non-confrontational that it would probably take something big for me to actually say that. But I like to imagine a version of myself that would say it.
Posted by: Grace | February 27, 2019 at 11:44 AM
KC - I think I need to present it as, “think about some fun thing we can do together aft I get back from buying milk.” That way the milk purchase won’t be the fun adventure he wants to tag along on.
Grace - I can see how it would help with a toddler, but isn’t there some point when the schedule loosens up? Gary was still going to bed at 8 pm in junior high school.
Posted by: TheQueen | March 01, 2019 at 01:09 PM