Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Shows, Caves, and Show Caves

I. Shows

Gary was in charging of picking the entertainment in Branson. Besides the Dixie Stampede we saw two other shows: one Legends show with singing celebrity impersonators, and then a small, low-key family show, the Magnificent Seven.

Legends Show

I didn't expect to like this very much, but on the whole the impersonators were convincing. Gary said he had heard of the Elvis impersonator before. In his ... research ... on ... Elvis impersonators? I don't know. In the old days I would have scoffed, but who knows what he does on his iPad all day and all night. Maybe he reads up on celebrity impersonators.

In addition to Elvis, there was a pretty good Adele. I even cried during Somebody Like You, but as NPR has told us, that's because of the music. On the other hand, the Blues Brothers ... the real Belushi was fat. Gain some weight, Skinny Belushi.

Michael Jackson Tribute During the Legends Show

Okay, so during the Legends performances we were treated to video of the real deal so we could be awed by the resemblance. The Michael Jackson imitator did a very good moonwalk, had a good MJ "woohoo," did a presentable "sha-mone," but he was white. That wasn't that big a deal during the late-era MJ songs, when MJ was himself more ivory than ebony, but then they had to do Thriller. So we had a dance-off between pasty MJ on the stage and a younger, browner MJ on the video screen. Very jarring.

Magnificent Seven Show

This was not the big glamorous Vegas-style show that Legends was. We went here because one of the Seven sang at a diner we'd stopped at for lunch, and she was pretty good. She sang boppy little fifties ditties and I think Gary got a little crush, and so he searched out the show. It began with an introduction of the family who staged it ... and produced it ... and sang in it ... and I would say they painted the set only the paint was wearing off the set. Paint your scuffed-up risers if you want to be magnificent. That would go a long way.

When I accepted that I was watching a family who said, "Let's put on a show" - and I mean they literally had their ten-year-old out there tap dancing - I scaled down my expectations and I was entertained. The family were three of the seven, then there was the woman we saw at the diner, another pair, and a tenor named Dusty Something. Ohhhh. A tenor. My God, I love a tenor.

The show featured pop hits through the decades. It was fun anticipating who would sing what song. The lanky brunette from the diner sang the Cher hit, for example. Yet still, pop hits through the decades, you just can't skip Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson Tribute During the Magnificent Seven Show

When I heard the strains of "I Want You Back," I thought, oh, oh this will not be good. And while they were not actually in blackface, there were four grown adults and one ten year old playing the Jackson Five wearing Afro wigs. I was speechless. I was aghast. Then again, maybe I'm being too politically correct. Click that link and let me know.

Show vs Show? I have to go with the more professional Legends show.

II. Caves

This Branson Road Trip grew out of a desire to go to Onondaga caverns. I've never been. Years of driving right past it on the way to visit the grandparents every other month. Never been.

Guess what? Still never been.

When we got there, there was a tour leaving for the more natural Cathedral Cave, and that cave took it all out of us. Exhausting! Clambering up and down seven stories worth of ramps not to mention the half mile walk to get there and same amount to get back. After that, we opted to see Onondaga on another day. I'm glad we saw the semi-wild cave instead of the show cave. Usually, I turn up my fungused white nose at most show caves. But, if you're going to be a show cave, be a show cave. Have Kate Smith singing God Bless America. Have a red-white-and-blue light show. Or even better, go through that cave in a motor vehicle ...

Show Caves

What got us down to the Branson area were the billboards for our next cave: Fantastic Caverns, America's only drive-through cave. Of course, you don't get to drive you own car through the cave (but, someone should totally DO that). Instead, you are loaded on a wagon pulled by a jeep.

 

It's a poor picture, but you can see the appeal. Photos are allowed, plus there's no creeping through slippery limestone, hanging on to a cold calcified metal handrail. This cave embraces its Baldknobber / Buck Owens heritage.

All cave guides must acknowledge the cave trifecta:

"Those little stalactites are called soda straws!"

"How deep do you think this pool of water is?"

"This cave is 550 million years old."

And that's the one that does not fly in rural Missouri, where all the caves are. I've never seen anyone in a cave protest that the Bible says the world is 5,000 years old, but I'm sure that's the reason Fantastic Caverns planted this sign:

   

Look at that paragraph. It offsets those secular words like "science education" with all the fundamentalist buzzwords like "family" and "business" and "wise stewardship." In other words, "we're all Christians, here, friend, so don't cause a scene when we say God started working on this cave half a billion years ago."

Cave vs Cave? This is a tough call. Perhaps there was some glory at Cathedral Cave that I couldn't see by flashlight. But, just as one well-done Michael Jackson beats a Jackson Five, a poorly lit rock cathedral can't beat a well-illuminated rock formation.

 

Doesn't that just look like Genesis 1:2? "The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the waters."

The Dixie Stampede

During our pre-Branson research Gary found this video advertising Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede.

(Don't be thrown by the scrap of foreign language in the title. It's all-Amer'cn after that.)

Gary saw the video and screamed "OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO GO TO THIS! IT HAS HORSES RUNNING AROUND!"

"What, like the Lipizzaner Stallions?" I asked.

"YES JUST LIKE THAT," he lied. "THEY RUN AROUND WHILE YOU EAT!"

"Really?"

"AND I BET WE CAN SNEAK THEM TREATS DURING THE SHOW!"

I was persuaded to watch the video above and it is all true, only more so, even to a surreal level.

Example of Truth in Advertising from the Above Video:

It really is "Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede." We bought tickets at the box office and we noticed "Jolene" playing in the background. Then "Nine to Five," followed by every Dolly Parton hit ever.

"Like Nothing You've Ever Seen Before"  So, so true. I have been to dinner theater (long ago, as a child, and I saw John Davidson in Harvey) I have seen horses gallop around a stadium, I have seen cornpone humor, I have seen doves released and magic tricks and I have seen fireworks, but I have never seen them all in the same venue.

The venue is "A Magnificent Southern Mansion." You know, if Southern Mansions had buffaloes rolling in the parlor. The exterior of the venue was very encouraging, especially since the rest of the Branson Strip looks like this:

 

 

So, yes, in contrast the exterior of Dolly's Dixie Stampede is indeed elegant.

And before you ask, Dixie though it may be there are no Confederate flags at the Dixie Stampede.

Before the show we did "enjoy music, comedy and impressive performers." In fact, since we were there early, we sat at the bar encircling the stage and were incorporated into the juggling act. There was one point in which the juggler pretended to almost drop a ladder on me and the woman in the next seat. We instinctively tried to catch it, while both our husbands looked at us impassively. He made much of their cold behavior. Then after that, he pretended to "almost" drop lighted torches on us.

I sought him out after the pre-show and he was quite pleasant to me. Then Gary asked him a question, then he answered with a question, and evidently they have common interests. It was lovely to watch them ping-pong references to science fiction, singularities, and medical breakthroughs. Almost like there was another version of Gary who could juggle. They went on for almost twenty minutes and we got to our seats in the arena just before the show began.

Because our new seats were also in the front row, when "The Spectacular" began the horses rode at top speed directly toward us and stopped inches away from our noses. Then they charged about, then again rode at directly up to us. Every twenty seconds there was a young man dressed as a soldier, astride a horse, in my face, making eye contact with me. I felt I had to acknowledge him. I cocked my head to the side every time. I could have nodded, or blessed him, or something. I felt a bit like the queen reviewing the troops. Or, Agrippina in the Colosseum. I felt I could have made the soldiers fight to the death. It was surreal, sitting on the very edge of a sand-filled arena as horses prance and actors sing for your amusement.

There is indeed "A Delicious Four-Course Feast" that you are obliged to eat entirely without utensils. Every twenty minutes or so a server comes by with a bucket (WITH A BUCKET BECAUSE CLASSY) and doles out cream soup, biscuits, an entire roast chicken, a slab of pork loin, half a baked potato, corn, and an apple turnover.

Gary chickened out and did not ask for a halal meal, as he had promised.

There was only one moment when we were sprayed by sand from the horses tearing past. There are indeed horses charging about during your meal, as well as "Hilarious Racing Pigs" and all the other elements mentioned in the video. However, NOT mentioned in the video were a) the chicken herding competition and b) the trained longhorn steer. I didn't notice the steer talent at first, because I was at the time so dazed with horses in my face and roast chickens flopped in front of me. Gary pointed out no one had herded the longhorn steer in or out, and that the steer must have learned to listen the music as a cue. They did bob their heads in time with the music. I don't know. It could be the steer were trained. That's when the three buffalo showed up. The buffalo rolled in the sand as if on cue. The Power of Dolly compels you, beasts, do as She says. Or, possibly, right before the buffalo arrived the staff sprayed the sand with something I assume was buffalo catnip

It's very unsatisfying watching a buffalo try to roll over because of course it can't, because of the hump. However, buffalo just standing would be a bit dull.

There was an acknowledgement of Native Americans, but no mentions of slavery. There was a civil war theme: one side of the stadium had to root for the Yankees and one side the Rebels, and then they would square off in competitions. The Yankee Pigs would race faster than the Southern Pigs, say. Because our hands were full of chickenporkbiscuitsappleturnoverscorn, we could not applaud, but at times the emcee would bellow "Stam-PEEEEEDE" in an "are you ready to rumble?" tone, and we would all stomp our feet. (As one does when the empress is amused by the racing pigs.)

Even though I only ate half of every foodstuff flung at me, I eventually needed to visit the restroom, and thus almost missed "The Stirring Grand Finale with an Original Soundrack by Dolly Herself." I heard her dulcet tones and high-tailed it back to my seat. Dolly had descended via a big TV monitor and was singing a song about being American, and fireworks blew, and doves flew, and I think we were all meant to feel patriotic.

I wasn't sure about that until the master of ceremonies bellowed, "Are ya PROUD to be an American?"

After eating enough food to choke one of Dolly's magnificent horses, and treating a shameful Civil War as if it were a football game, I had to answer, "No, no I am not particularly proud at the moment, thank you," and I didn't even have to say it quietly because an arena of a thousand people were stomping their feet.

Branson Bookends

The two best things about our trip to Branson were the very first thing and the very last thing.

The Very First Thing on Our Trip

The first thing we did in Branson was to visit the zoo. It was not your typical zoo. It was The Promised Land Zoo. Two things were distinctive. First, there were Bible verses hammered up everywhere. That's fine. I'm glad they want to see me saved. Has anyone ever been saved by reading one of these cherry-picked strings of verses, though? Perhaps they think I'm on the edge of salvation and the Roman's Road will push me over.

Second, the animals were in easily accessible enclosures, and you could buy cheap food, and if you could reach the animal you could feed the animal. This is not the way things are done in the world-famous St. Louis zoo. However, as you know, Branson values are: God, family, country, and gorging on obscene amounts of food (coming soon to this blog: Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede).

So did we feed the animals? Sure we did. Watch as Gary feeds the alpacas. 

Ahahaha. Oh, that'll make you believe in God.

The Very Last Thing on Our Trip

You'll notice several simlarities in these two videos. First, both involve wild animal encounters. This one is at the Wild Animal Safari Park outside Springfield on the way back home. You can't feed the animals there. You aren't supposed to have your window down, but Gary kept teasing me by lowering the window around any terrifying creatures. 

Second, both the alpaca video and this water buffalo video have very poor camerawork. Gary missed getting the actual moment the alpaca ... uhhh..interacted with him, and I missed the interaction below because, well, because I was in abject terror. Evidently, the survival instinct is Fight, Flight, and whimpering "eh eh eh" like a mewling kitten. 

I know! I could have ended up with this dirty boy.

 

 

Branson 101

We just came back from Branson, Missouri. I don't know how much you know about it, so here's Branson 101.

Where is it? It's four hours outside St. Louis in the Ozark "Mountains." And come on. If your ears don't pop it's not a mountain.

What is it? Take sixties Las Vegas, but kick it back another decade into the fifties. Then take away the gambling. And the alcohol. And the electric lighting. Then replace Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin with Yakov Smirnoff and these people:

Who Are Those Baldknobber People? I don't know. We didn't go see the Baldknobbers Jamboree Show, primarily because of the scary man with the buck teeth, but also because preliminary research on Baldknobbers shows that historically they were some kind or ersatz Klan with Mexican wrestling masks:

What Is The History of Branson? Beverly Hillbillies with wrestling masks. (If you want to know what pristine Branson looked like, watch the start of season eight of The Beverly Hillbillies, when the Clampetts go back home. It was filmed in Branson.)

When I was growing up the only thing in that neck of the Ozarks was Silver Dollar City, an Ozark-themed Colonial Williamsburg-type village. I never went there. Gary went when he was a kid fifty years ago. When we were dating, I asked him his impressions of Silver Dollar City.

"BORING." You could tell he was still angry. "Just a bunch of stupid people acting like blacksmiths and churning milk." Fifty years later he was still disgusted. Silver Dollar City is now an enormous theme park (still with blacksmiths).

In the eighties, country stars began building theaters there, and in the nineties Andy Williams and others put down roots, and then everyone started going there.

Why Did You Go There? My god it's cheap. Airline miles paid for the hotel, the hotel had free breakfast in the morning and cobbler at night, and gas was two bucks a gallon. We went to three shows and I think the whole thing cost us two hundred dollars.

Did You Like It? Gary liked it. He wants to go back.

Did YOU like it? It was so tacky it was surreal. I'll give you details in the days to come. It was also very Country. We made up a drinking game called Do A Shot In Jesus' Name, only Jesus' name came up three times in the ten minutes after we invented it, and there was no alcohol. Because these are the values of Branson:

1. God

2. Family

3. Country

[edited for space]

99. Sarcasm

100. Stuck-up city folk

And I'm a sarcastic, stuck-up city girl. I like Jesus, of course, I just don't like the idea he'd be hanging out with those Baldknobbers people.

Milestone

It Is NOT Beginning to Look a Lot Lke Christmas

Seriously, Macys?

It isn't even Labor Day yet! It is 95 degrees outside!