My birthday is coming up. What to get me, what to get me?
I've been very clear with Gary for the last six months. "I want one of those SodaStream devices for my birthday."
They were the go-to gift for Christmas one year. You make your own soda! Given that the soda we like (Diet Orange Crush) has gone from $3.50 a case a year and a half ago to FIVE DOLLARS A CASE CRIMINAL RAT BASTARDS, and given that we drink four cases a week, I felt we could save some green by cutting off the Orange.
The only problem is that a SodaStream costs almost a hundred dollars, and while we'd quickly make that back in homemade soda savings, it would only work if I could be sure this wouldn't happen:
Gary takes his first sip of homemade soda. Clutches throat, reels, gags out "I can't drink THAT," and drags the device out to the curb.
That was one issue. Another was that it looked ungainly and plastic to me, and at 18 inches high I didn't know if I wanted it taking up valuable counter real estate.
We were at the Bed Bath & Beyond debating the SodaStream, asking strangers who bought the soda juice if they liked theirs, when I glanced across the aisle and ... saw...
A KitchenAid SodaStream.
It's like some marketing executive saw into my soul and said, "You are a shallow, status-conscious woman who cannot reconcile her new found desire to save money with her long-held desire to appear rich! Hahahaha! Your weak mind will bend to my KitchSoda AidStream mashup!"
And I wanted it so much, so much. At only twice the price of the regular SodaStream! ONLY TWICE THE PRICE.
But, the marketing geniuses overplayed their hand and brought into my problem into sharp contrast: I am both status-conscious and money-conscious, and that is an impossible combination. It turned me against SodaKitchenStreamAids entirely.
Gary carried on, weakly suggesting we could get a regular Middle Class SodaStream, in keeping with our station, and have fun mixing our own flavors. "It would be like cooking with soda!" I then pictured:
Gary takes his first sip of homebrewed Dr. Pepper-Cherry-Orange Crush soda. Clutches throat, reels, gags out "I can't drink THAT," and spits soda into the sink.
Instead, Gary bought some water flavoring drops and is commited to drinking more water to cut back our $100 a month soda budget.
So, instead of getting me a SodaStream, Gary has relied on his own devices. Therefore, for my birthday I am getting a pie carrier, a phone case, and ...
A sex toy. (Or should I say another sex toy?) It is a stand-alone G-Spot stimulator. I've been quite happy with having my G-Spot ignored for thirty years. I don't know what may happen.
Perhaps I will try it, then gag, then reel, then choke out "I can't use THAT..."