Further Humiliation at the Hands Of Gary

Gary continues to prepare himself for the most far-fetched wilderness disasters. At first he just prepped for possible doomsdays (we get lost, we get blisters, snakes bite us) to impossible doomsdays. 

This last web-binge netted him:

A firestarter! Look Ellen, a firestarter!

 

... because you always need to be prepared to start a fire in the Grand Canyon? A signal fire? When we get lost? Because we'll somehow be alone in one of the most popular national landmarks?

A "Sanitation Trowel" - because you have to be prepared to dig a hole and poop in it. 

I could have gotten all huffy about this. I could have said "I'll never use that," only then I remembered the Eggs Benedict Albuquerque Episode, and while I don't know if I'd have used a trowel to bury ... the ... the ... processed Eggs Benedict, I probably should be ready. 

But then he bought something we had to use to hermetically seal up our used toilet paper so it can be toted back to the hotel. No. That gets buried. He can take his home with him but mine gets buried. 

Then while I was insisting that none of this will EVER be used, when he proudly showed off his last purchase ...

A Feminine Urinary Deflector! Look!

"You really expect me to use this? You. Expect me. To put this thing in my pants, tuck it in zip up, then when I feel the need, whip it out, stand by a tree and pee?"

"Not at first, you'll have to practice a few times."

"Really? I'm not doing it." He screams if there's a chance he might glimpse me on the toilet. He keeps yelling at me to lock the door. (I know. So unsafe.)

"But you migt have to, and we need to be prepared."

That was an hour ago. I now want to pee standing up just so I can pee on Gary.

Comments

[~~Silk]

Remind Gary that he can't put all that stuff in a wheeled case and pull it behind him; he has to carry it all on his back.

Oh wait - given where you're going and the trails you'd be on, a wheeled trailer will work just fine.

[~~Silk]

The firestarter thingy - a Kindle Fire might be more useful.

[Marcia]

Don't go to the Grand Canyon. You are going to die.

[Tami]

I am Too Fat to use that g-d-awful deflector thing. Whose idea was that?!

[Hattie]

Good Lord. I'm packing a hat, sunscreen, lightweight long sleeve shirt, a walking stick (it's retractable, so I can carry it in my suitcase, which will then have to be checked on, of course: two sticks is not a bad idea if you are extra worried about falls), a daypack, hiking boots, wool sox to cuddle your feet, water bottle, kleenex, waterproof windbreaker, preferably gore-tex. That's what you need.
You can wear jeans or hiking pants.

[Big Dot]

I've got a She-wee and I've used it, often, and carry it with me on all my trips. It's not always just out in the wilderness that you don't want to have to squat, you know. And there's something immensely fascinating and satisfying about peeing standing up. You have to try it. (But you don't wear it permanently fitted in your knickers.)

[Becs]

I'm afraid that deflector thing would make me pee in my face or on my feet. So in general, um, no, and I'll be back here at the Lodge when you'uns get back. Any one taking bets on who gets airlifted first, Gary or Ellen?

[TheQueen]

~~Silk - He's been practicing with his thirty pound pack every night on our walk.
Marcia - I am going to be arrested or public urination, that's what's going to happen.
Tami - Gary's idea. He thinks he's being helpful. I'm going to use it now even if I pee on the outside of a clean public bathroom, just to embarrass him.
Hattie - No hat? I could never list all the things Gary's has bought to add to our usual travels. I bet he buys a windbreaker this weekend.
Big Dot - Ah! A she-we: the British version. I have to say, there have been toilets I've encountered in Mexico that could not be sat upon, and I could have used the PUD.
Becs - Nope, can't pee on your feet with it even if you tried. I'm betting Gary gets rescued by park rangers.