Years ago, I bought a bath rug. I didn't buy a bath mat, which are the rugs with rubberized backs, because I grew up maintaining those. Instead, I bought a 2x3 bath rug, in a loose shag the same color as the taupe tile. Within hours Gary relocated it to the basement, and the aftermath is chronicled here.
That was probably twenty five years ago. I threw out that rug during the Great Basement Purge, and only yesterday did I discover what he didn't like about the rug. He always said he relocated the rug because the rug must hang on the shower door handle when not in use and cannot stay on the floor because the dog will pee on it, and that rug was wider than the shower door handle.
Gary Rule 1: The bath rug must hang on the shower door when not in use and cannot stay on the floor because the dog will pee on it.
Come to find out, this rule was a ruse to mask the real rule. We don't have a dog now, so when I suggested that we don't have to pick the rug up every day now, I discovered the real rule.
Gary Rule 2: If the bath rug remains on the floor it will become dirty, therefore it must hang on the shower door when not in use and cannot stay on the floor.
Gary pointed out that we don't have any rugs in our house, because they are filth traps. I pointed out the foyer rug and he said that was fine because it wasn't damp in the foyer, but in the bathroom scary things grow between the rug and the floor every second the rug remains on the floor.
Gary Rule 3: The bath mat must be of a certain size
The bath rug I bought years ago was too big to hang on the shower door, that was its crime.
Gary Rule 4: The bath mat must be of a certain thickness
The shag nature made it too thick, a haven for bugs. Again, remember I came from a house with small bath mats stacked on a wall to wall shag bath mat covering a tile floor. Filthy. I did not know.
Gary Rule 5: The bath mat must be of a certain color, in fact everything in the bathroom must be a certain color
He ranted, "Unless it's solid white, you can't tell when it's dirty." Yes, I thought, that's the whole point of colorful towels and bath rugs, they don't show the dirt. Then again, I see his point, there's a reason sterile lab environments don't have multicolored granite countertops. You need to see the dirt.
On the down side of seeing the dirt, you SEE the DIRT. The bath rug we currently has two grey patches for our two feet, and no all-night bleach soak can get them out. We need a new one, but now I know the rules. I suggested I buy a new bath rug just like the dirty one, same size, same thickness.
"NO. They aren't called bath rugs. They are called bath towels."
I said, "No, actually, 'bath towels' are called bath towels."
"No, I mean 'floor towels.' It's a special towel for the floor."
"Whatever. It's just a small towel, like the size of a hand towel? It's like a foot towel."
"Yes. I think they call them foot towels."
No, they do not call them foot towels, you nut job, they call them bath rugs.
[Searching]
Oh, son of a bitch. They call them foot towels.
That conversation made me really want to buy these at Pottery Barn:
But of course I can't buy the item below, because a) it's too big and b) it doesn't say "FOOT."
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