6:00 - First dose of the MoviPrep bowel purging solution. Happily, I cannot imagine there is anything inside my colon to move: on Becs' advice I have eaten very lightly the last two days, and in addition my nervous colon has been amped up by the prospect of special attention. Nothing is in there to move out since the Gatorade left at 5:00.
Oh, Pro tip:
You are encouraged to drink Gatorade the day of the prep.
2) You are cautioned against the red fluids.
Do not add 1) and 2) and drink the BLUE Gatorade. It will mix with any nervous watery yellow colon contents and emerge a plastic Shrek green. And it will TERRIFY you.
6:15 - Not even percolating. The prep fluid isn't bad. There is a taste, but it is far superior to the GoLYTELY gallon of salty strawberry swill I had to take in 1995. Plus, as a co-worker pointed out, you had the shame of toting that obvious gallon jug through the Walgreens.
Pro tip: drink it cold and take the anti-nausea medicine before you get nauseated.
6:26 - I'm just now taking the dose I should have had at 6:15. I had to call the hospital pre registration number. I warned her I was prepping for my visit and might be abruptly called away.
6:45 - third dose. I'm a little afraid. 3/4th of the first liter has gone in and nothing has come out. I am a ticking time bomb of poo.
Pro tip: the MoviPrep container is marked with lines indicating the four doses. You have to drink down to the next line for each dose. It goes a lot faster if you drink it with a straw in front of the mirror.
7:11 - done with last dose of this liter. I have to mix up the liter for my midnight dose.
Pro tip: Know that if your appointment is at 6:30 am, and you have to take the second liter 6 hours before your appointment, that means you'll be in the bathroom all night starting at midnight.
7:12 - No action. It has not physicked me at all.
7:13 - Maybe?
7:17 - Yes.
7:27 - Well, that was a satisfying ten minutes.
7:35 - I just thought "what's for dinner?"
12:30 - It has been like having contractions, only in reverse: the time between the spasms get longer, not shorter. Of course I aimed for fluid clarity, achieved it, and then flecks of detritus began to show up. What is it? I can't even imagine. Seeds shaken out of some diverticuli? Polyps fleeing in fear? Peculiar. Anyway, time for the midnight liter.
1:15 - So I will not get any sleep tonight. And after getting "clear" (Scientology shoutout!) I am back to a shade I call Mountain Dew.
3:24 - I feel guilty. All this flushing is keeping Gary and the dog awake. I had plans to spend the wee hours making chili, but that just seems very off-putting right now. I remember after the last colonoscopy I snarfed down a muffin and immediately regretted mucking up my colon again.
Pro tip: If you are to have a colonoscopy, be sure to do it in the 2010s when they give you Propofol, instead of the 1990s when they give you the dread Versed.
3:52 - Gary's got the alarm set for 4:30. There's really no point in even trying to go to sleep now. Besides, I am so close to total clarity again.