You Can See This Coming

My niece Arzanna-fay came to town and requested a dinner out. I've only ever eaten with her at chain restaurants and the Indian Palace, so I wanted to upgrade, since she is all of 22. Farmhaus didn't have an extensive enough menu, then I found that Mosaic has a location by Gary's work.

She's a pescatarian but she's not vigilant. She can pick off bacon. Most plates came with three bites in the order: three artichoke hearts, three pot stickers, etc, so we each got a taste. Between us we shared these small plates:

• One shot glass each of squash soup, honeydew/cucumber gazpacho, and beef soup
• Flash-fried baby artichoke hearts with chipotle aioli and sweet chili sauce
• Compressed watermelon and goat cheese with crusty endive, baby arugula, shaved radish, candied pistachio, and citrus-mint vinaigrette
• Candied tomato and goat cheese flatbread with dried fig. arugula, balsamic vinegar and duroc bacon
• Pot stickers of suckling pig and shaved celery with Thai peanut sauce
• Maple glazed scallops with compressed honeydew, duroc bacon, pea shoots, candied sunflower seeds and sherry vinaigrette
• Local Shiitake and organic mushroom tart on puff pastry with lavender scented goat cheese, tomatoes, and apple saba
• Rensing Farm pork tenderloin with a quail egg and potato confit, caramelized Brussels sprouts, spiced popcorn, and a maple-cider reduction
• Tangerine glazed Long Island duck breast with roasted cauliflower, oak log shiitake mushrooms, pickled pearl onions and spiced carrot puree
• Pan-seared Canadian salmon with spring peas, saffron and goat cheese tortellini, lemon thyme butter and fresh mint (Arzanna-fay got this all to herself, since she didn't have any duck or pork or pot stickers.)

You know me. You know Gary. You KNOW where this story goes from here.

And, the thing is, I was stupid enough to drink half a glass of Sangria beforehand. Because you know, Saint Paul says wine settles your stomach.

So, I was driving the three of us back to Gary's car when the first wave of pain hit me. The hideous gas pain that cannot be released, not just because you are not alone, but because it is accompanied by raw fluid. Another Bible verse from Genesis 1: "And the earth was waste and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep: and the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters." And the whiteness was upon the knuckles and a great silence fell upon the car.

The pain went away at Manchester and 270, and came back right before the 40 / 270 interchange. I thought, "Well, Missouri Baptist, Mom found out she was dying in one of your rooms, so here's payback. I am using your bathroom without buying a soda."

I planned to use the bathroom across from the coffee stand by the outpatient lab, but Gary said, just go the Emergency Room, it's right there. We pulled up tot he curb right behind two police SUVs, an ambulance, and a stretcher with a person on it. I did not even glance at that dramatic tableau. I did not peek out of the corner of my eye. I had laser vision focused on the door, the waiting room, the bathroom, the single commode, which thankfully was empty.

So when I came out after ten minutes of entertaining the ER with my impression of a cappuccino-maker I was surprised to see Gary and Arzanna-fay lounging in the ER seats, watching the Olympics. No one else in the waiting room was looking at the TV. Gary said there was one woman who was crying and distraught, and the other eight people just stared into space.

The crying woman may have been related to the police drama I had missed. Another drama I missed was Gary trying to park the car. The only place he could park was behind a gate, and he thought he might have to get a token, so they just sauntered in to watch the Olympics and giggle with each other like
they were at a bar. I am surprised they didn't help themselves to coffee.

When we left I did make eye contact with a paramedic behind the desk and mouthed, "Sorry! Bathroom!" He nodded.

Gary was hit next when he was behind the wheel. We all made it to the bathroom at his office building, again, barely, and based on the flushing for the next ten minutes and the horrified whistle afterward I'd say he was hit with the same issue as I was.

Arzanna-fay is young so she made it all the way back to our house. She was only hit by reflux. She wants to see if there are any fusion tapas places in Kansas City.

* We both begged Gary to let us order as we ate, but he insisted we order everything up front. I remembered too late it is my birthday month.

Comments

[Big Dot]

That's a remarkably apt cappuccino mataphor, well done on that - but I'm now very glad I've given up coffee.

[Becs]

What...the food choices...I mean really...Obviously I don't go to anyplace more elaborate than the semi-cafeteria of Shalimar (King of Sweets!) but if this is what food has been reduced to, I'll just stay at home with my biryani, thank you.

[Zayrina]

I have shit-fits too so you have my sympathy. I have IBS that I blame it on. I warn you that this just gets worse with age. Depends are you friends.

[Caroline]

As I read that menu, I wonder what ever happened to a nice medium rare steak and baked potato.

[Erin G]

It is so sad that you didn't invoke "Birthday Month"!

[TheQueen]

Big Dot - Sad to say, it was apt. And caffeine is evil, isn't it?
Becs - You'll never know what a good combination sliced radish is with compressed honeydew ...
Zayrina - This is a remarkably long lasting fit. Yogurt isn't even working.
Caroline - Boring! I've eaten that. I can get that at work.
Erin G - I've made up for it already.

[Zayrina]

When the fits stretch out I take levsin. Stops it in one or 2 doses. Infinitely more effective than immodium or the like.

[Hattie]

I got the ills just reading that menu and thinking about those poor, tortured ingredients. As a Californian, I mourned especially for the artichoke hearts (although, considering the season, if fresh they were probably from Chile or somewhere like that, and the scallops, too). I'm sure they were taking revenge.
Fresh, local and home-cooked. Gotta do it. It's the only way to be healthy.

[TheQueen]

Zayrina - I've taken levsin, long time ago. Immodium is trash. I've been eating better and waiting it out.
Hattie - Mosaic has a big commitment to locally grown products. All the cheese and veggies are local, anyway. Home-cooked is good, only I'd never compress my honeydew.

[Caroline]

More important than where you can get it is that YOU CAN DIGEST IT.