So, the barium swallow revealed these things:
- I do not particularly like barium, even though it is on the periodic table (56, Be). It tastes like dirt.
- The body can only take so much barium before it burps it back up.
- Barium really makes you crave steak. That (plus the luxurious valet parking at Missouri Baptist) sent me to Bristol's, where I ate a fillet all by myself. (Dirt and Turf. Burp and Turf? Barium and Carrion.)
Later, the doctor’s office called and said I looked fine except for a small hiatal hernia. I thought, why would a hiatal hernia make me urinate on myself? If anything it would give me acid reflux. I dismissed it.
But a quick search on “hiatal hernia choke urinate” brought me to a forum of lost souls all with the same symptoms. They’d be a) sleeping or b) in a very public place, when they would suddenly explode in a burst of phlegm, mucus, and vomit, and from the older women, urine. A lot of "It's like something's gone down the wrong pipe" and “It feels like I can’t breathe!!!!!!!” As plentiful as the exclamation points were the admissions they almost all had hiatal hernias.
So this is the Rube Goldberg explanation I have for myself: My stomach slides either above or below my diaphragm, my diaphragm reacts, my lungs expand, I breathe in what’s in my mouth, and then the rest of me reacts by pushing out all fluids and then eventually a woman sticks her finger up my vagina.