So, the barium swallow revealed these things:
- I do not particularly like barium, even though it is on the periodic table (56, Be). It tastes like dirt.
- The body can only take so much barium before it burps it back up.
- Barium really makes you crave steak. That (plus the luxurious valet parking at Missouri Baptist) sent me to Bristol's, where I ate a fillet all by myself. (Dirt and Turf. Burp and Turf? Barium and Carrion.)
Later, the doctor’s office called and said I looked fine except for a small hiatal hernia. I thought, why would a hiatal hernia make me urinate on myself? If anything it would give me acid reflux. I dismissed it.
But a quick search on “hiatal hernia choke urinate” brought me to a forum of lost souls all with the same symptoms. They’d be a) sleeping or b) in a very public place, when they would suddenly explode in a burst of phlegm, mucus, and vomit, and from the older women, urine. A lot of "It's like something's gone down the wrong pipe" and “It feels like I can’t breathe!!!!!!!” As plentiful as the exclamation points were the admissions they almost all had hiatal hernias.
So this is the Rube Goldberg explanation I have for myself: My stomach slides either above or below my diaphragm, my diaphragm reacts, my lungs expand, I breathe in what’s in my mouth, and then the rest of me reacts by pushing out all fluids and then eventually a woman sticks her finger up my vagina.
oh dear. If it makes you feel better, I just choked on phlegm, coughed and peed a little from reading this. Of course, I've had bronchitis, and I've found coughing and peeing are uniquely tied together.
Posted by: jenny | October 15, 2011 at 08:15 PM
Yeah. I might just have snorted and peed a bit too.
Posted by: Magpie | October 15, 2011 at 09:15 PM
Jenny - especially if you are on any cough medicine. I'm surprised my bladder doesn't just slide right out when I'm on cough medicine.
Magpie - work your kegels.
Posted by: Thequeen | October 16, 2011 at 11:04 PM
OK, I read the wikipedia article. Sitting for defecation is "unnatural"? I will NOT imagine standing for that.
Posted by: Tami | October 17, 2011 at 11:59 AM
Tami - Ha! Yes! The PT mentioned that, and then she also said our culture is the only one that makes you have a baby lying on your back.
Posted by: TheQueen | October 17, 2011 at 11:07 PM
Okay- "Barium and carrion" made me laugh out loud at work and is completely unexplainable- not where it came from but why it made me laugh so loud. I have no idea, but it's still making me giggle.
Posted by: elisabeth | October 20, 2011 at 09:56 AM
elisabeth - It's okay. Carry on. (Carrion - ha!)
Posted by: TheQueen | October 22, 2011 at 11:04 AM