Thoughts Late at Night

It's what now, 1:30 in the morning?

I should be asleep.

I forgot to floss. [Ed. The dentist's assistant still had to use the pick, but not the elbow grease. (Hoping other cultures use the term "elbow grease.") Note: pick  still makes the same hideous scraping sound, with or without grease.]

Why don't I pee on myself in my sleep? Perhaps I do. Perhaps I should be be-padded right now.

Mom fixed all of her problems with that Vesicare stuff. Of course, she died soon after.

Mom was a widow when she was only 52. I'm almost 50. Then she died at 71. That means I'm 20 years from death. Of course, she'd had polio.

Wait, I have MS. Forgot about that. They say half the people with relapsing-remitting MS segue into the next stage. I guess that means I'll lose bladder and bowel control. Ha. Oh, and then they die, eventually.

So, that's in 13 years or so? So that means I'd die at 62.

But I won't, because I have the milder type.

But since half the people with the mild type get worse, I guess that means I have a 50% chance of developing the serious type.

So ... doesn't that mean I have a 50% chance of dying from MS?

No, my math is wrong somewhere. Maybe it's just a 50% chance I'll be in a wheelchair. Well, no, the secondary progressive type keeps going till you die. I think. That never occurred to me.

So, I have an illness with a 50% fatality rate?

Hey. That's not good.

How is it this never occurred to me before? And why is my heart beating so hard?

================================

Eventually I fell asleep. Then I woke up the next day, TOOK MY NEW HALF-DOSE OF THE ANTI-DEPRESSANT and realized, hey, that's why those thoughts seemed so foreign! Bad thoughts, sleeplessness, what are those symptoms of? Goodbye Celexa, goodbye serotonin, hello REALITY.

So I guess that in addition to my increased sex drive (which I haven't noticed as of yet) I will have changes in mood, sleep, appetite, headache, bowels and heart rate. And ... let's just say I've had four out of seven so far.  Worth it for the sex drive, though, right?

Comments

[Kristie]

I hate to break it to you, but we all have a 100% fatality rate. But yeah, these kinds of things run through my head when I can't sleep too. Lately it's topped off with something like "ok, I know I'm going to die one day, BUT THEN WHAT????????!!!!!!!!!!" and I get the heart pounding thing... I should probably have some of those anti-depressants in the morning, too.
I'm wondering where the 13 years thing came from, because it seems kind of random when all your other numbers seem reather well thought out.

[TheQueen]

Kristie - I just know of three people with secondary progressive, and it seemed to take 13 years for those people to succumb. It could be totally wrong.