"So, how's your sex drive?" my psychiatrist asked during my yearly appointment.
"Gone," I answered.
"How long has it been?" He smiled compassionately.
"Since ... March." I counted. "Five months."
"Is that causing tension in the marriage?"
"Nope. Gary's 57. Our sex is always great, but it does take a lot of time and effort we don't have, really. We still get along, though."
"So your marriage is good?"
"Yep. We started this new thing we do when we agree on something We both make this "zzt zzt" electrical sound and point at each other's heads."
The doctor was looking at the notes on his lap.
"It's silly," I continued.
He was reading something.
I volunteered, "Now I feel embarrassed."
He looked up. "We doubled your medication when your mother died, but we never decreased it. I think we should cut it in half. That will increase your sex drive."
"Well, I AM almost fifty. I can't have sex forever."
"Your sex drive should go on until you die. Even couples who've been married fifty, sixty years still find alternative sexual activities."
"Well," I said, "I do have battery operated devices that I have neglected the last month or so." (He smiled and nodded and glanced back at his notes.) "I'm not prudish. I mean I know there are plenty of alternatives. Like, I've tried to masturbate with Gary, but he seems to feel that's a very private thing and he doesn't join in. He's very considerate. Like, considerate to a fault. He doesn't even like fellatio. He feels it's disrespectful." I leaned forward. "Seriously, what man doesn't like fellatio?"
The doctor's eyes met mine. "Call me," he said.
...
Yes! That was the exchange. "What man doesn't like fellatio?" / "Call me."
I was indignant for a spilt second, and then for a moment I thought, "This is a test! A test to see if I'm a manic nymphomaniac!" Then I realized this was the conversation from his point of view:
[Dreamy flashback music]
"We should cut your medication in half. That will increase your sex drive."
"Well, I AM almost fifty. I can't have sex forever."
"Your sex drive should go on until you die. Even couples who've been married fifty, sixty years still find alternative sexual activities."
Look at notes about medication. Read notes about medication. Blah blah blah, woman is talking, blah blah. Wait for a gap in conversation. "Call me."
[Back to reality glissando]
So then I said, slowly, "Soooooo .... call you in a few weeks to check in after I try the new dose?"
"Oh, no. Just call me if you start feeling depressed."
.........................
And to think, I was embarassed by the "zzt zzt" part of the conversation.
I bet they don't tell medical students that one day they'll be so blase about everything to do with the human body that they won't feel a flicker of interest when a strange woman talks to them about fellatio.
Posted by: Big Dot | August 22, 2011 at 12:17 AM
Funny, my shrink asked me this week about my libido. I said it was gone and could stay gone for all I cared. No comment from His Shrinkfulness.
Posted by: Becs | August 22, 2011 at 04:47 AM
Heh heh heh heh....
Posted by: Zayrina | August 22, 2011 at 08:01 AM
More often than not, when people offer up extremely personal details about their love lives, I feel like I'm some sort of deviant nympho.
Maybe that's why my boyfriend stays, though.
Posted by: Tami | August 22, 2011 at 11:11 AM
Beautiful.
Posted by: magpie | August 22, 2011 at 01:32 PM
What I don't understand is why you didn't ask the doc how his sex drive was.
Posted by: Hattie | August 22, 2011 at 04:56 PM
Physicists say energy cannot be destroyed, it just changes states. Well, if there are lots of folks out there with disappeared libidos, I know where it all went. Central NJ. Right here. My house. My bulb's never been exactly dim, but it's been burning increasingly brighter since menopause.
Posted by: ~~Silk | August 22, 2011 at 09:53 PM
Big Dot - I rather think I contributed to the lack of interest, not his blase attitude. I own my lack of sexuality.
Becs - Perhaps if you'd mentioned some devices that were being neglected, ans I did.
Zayrina - Superior laugh!
Tami - You arent a perv. It isnt you, it's me.
Magpie- perhaps, or even magical.
Hattie - Augh! Why didnt I think of that!
~~Silk - Perhaps I will follow your lead. I hope so.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 22, 2011 at 11:34 PM
...I'm pretty sure that it's you *and* I'm a bit of a perv. I'm OK with that.
Posted by: Tami | August 23, 2011 at 08:48 AM
Tami - it takes two for perversion.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 25, 2011 at 12:06 AM