The Return of the King

I'll be delicate while I tell you about my sortie to pick up a replacement vibrator. After the jump.

I walked into the Naughty Bits Store like I owned it. Evidently I don't own it. There were other people there! At MY Naughty Bits Store! I navigated past them to find the vibrating metal eggs.

One man looking at the movies wouldn't make way, so I had to say "excuse me." I made actual eye contact with the divorcee modelling the clear platform heels for her friends. I wondered what was up with the teenage girl sitting cross-legged, sorting sadly through a pile of DVDs.

I couldn't find my beloved TLC model, but a vibrating silver egg is a vibrating silver egg. And of course I couldn't decide, so I found myself purchasing two - one for $9.99 and one for $29.99. Because I AM SCIENCE GIRL and there will be a vibrator vs vibrator showdown. A ... vibe-off? Climax-off? Getting off-off?

The cashier said she wanted to test them before they left the store, and I thought, yes, good plan, I don't want a defective one. She put some batteries in the first one, placed the egg in my palm, and switched it on.  And ... right before she switched it on, everyone in the store decided to gather in line behind me.

So, I stood there with the egg vibrating in my palm while she waited for me to say something, like a vibrator sommelier. What should I say? It has a good nose? Eventually, I came up with "That'll do."

I put my hand out for the second one too, but that one was tricky - it had a variable speed dial, so it went off while it was resting on the top of the glass display case. It was like an out-of-control pair of chattery teeth. Made of metal. Shaped like a vibrator. In a sex store. Surrounded by people. Some of them perverts.

I guffawed, of course, while the cashier chased it down, then once again had me test it in my palm. "It's okay, really, it works, I'm sure."

So of course HE'S my favorite now.

Comments

[Becs]

Tell me more about the Naughty Bits Store. Was it all tawdry on the outside? There are a couple of NBS around here, but I've always been afraid to go in. They look so sleazy. "XXX Video's!" "Lingerie!" "Magazines!"

[Wendy]

I really hate when creepy old man is at the register.

[Amy in StL]

I just realized I have not been in a NBS since I moved back here almost 5 years ago. I did host a sex toy party though; so I guess my living room was posing as a NBS for one night. Oh, and between what I wanted and the free stuff I got; I'm set for a while!

[Kristie]

I've never had the nerve to walk into an actual Naughty Bits Store. I think I'm afraid everyone else there will think I'm a pervert... so all those types of items are purchased online, and only the person filling the order in some faraway warehouse of naughty bits thinks I'm a pervert. It's better that way for me...

[allison]

You are my hero.

[TheQueen]

Becs - well, there are 2 NB stores by the mall. One is "Very Intimate Playthings," which is an extension of th home-party organization, I imagine. I've never been in there - instead, I frequent "For Lovers Only." Because I am all about the love. The outside window has mannequins in lingerie. The inside is wall-to-wall butt plugs and scary stuff.
Wendy - And like, what is he doing there? Does he buy anything? Or just get a free erection?
Amy in StL - My MOM threw me a VIP / NB shower before my wedding. It was hysterical. Mom was all, "Ellen! Help! I can't get the laytex mold off the penis ice sculpture!" Poor thing couldn't use her hands.
Kristie - you know, I was like that till a few years ago. Then finally I was discontent enough with my rabbit and the other things I had bought, visited the (thankfully empty) store, and the nice woman behind the counter heard my complaint about the rabbit and g-spot this and dildo that and let me to the back where my silver egg is. "We can't keep these in stock," is what she said. So sometimes you need someone to say, hey, why are you wasting time with that part? Try this part. A fresh set of eyes, if you will.
Allison - Sign me up for CNN Heroes.I'd like to meet Anderson Cooper.

[elisabeth]

I took my best friend toy shopping after her divorce (isn't that what all best friends do?) and apparently shocked and titillated the regulars. The fact that we were two women buying sex toys apparently raised some unrealistic expectations- silly pervs. ;}

[Wendy]

Creepy Old Man was working the register. He put batteries in my purchase, turned it on, and waved it around.
And the carpeting on the 3 steps between the two levels caused me to not see the 3 steps. So, I fell down. If my ankle had been broken, I would have limped out to my car and driven away. Fortunately, I was not injured. Except mild emotional trauma.

[TheQueen]

Elisabeth - Ahh! As if they were to be used in tandem. Pervs had warped expectations from the porn.
Wendy - ewwww! There are no creepy old men behind the counter where I go. I would never have been able to ask for advice.

[slyde]

that is an outstanding story!

i think we've ALL been embarrassed at a sex shop at least once in our lives..

at least I have :)

[TheQueen]

Slyde - I am sad to say I know several people who have not been embarassed at a sex shop. And these are grown women. Friend #4, I'm looking at you.

[Caroline]

I was in one 8 months pregnant.

[TheQueen]

Caroline - have I heard this story? Vibrator for a friend, is that right?

[Caroline]

Well, it's not exactly a juicy story. I was throwing a bachelorette party for a friend that weekend. The funnier story is the number of beers I knocked over with my belly and the looks I got at the bar buying replacements.

[TheQueen]

Caroline - So what did you BUY. Thats the juicy part.