Gary threw his back out while we were packing for the cruise.
"Well, that's it. I can't go."
"Okay then! See you in a week."
He realized that would not fly TWO years in a row. (Instead, he was a trouper and brought along his cane and back brace.)
In Gary's world, pain and illness are like Male PMS: it gives you a great excuse to act like a dick. And dick it up he did, I'm afraid, at least until we got to the hotel. Then he had a few key lime martinis to relax his sore back. As a side effect, the "ugly" room he disparaged before was charming, and the "awful noise" from the street was manageable.
The next day he had two drinks at Wet Willies, and again I noticed: the alcohol not only soothed his back pain, but he was much less irritable. I encouraged him to drink as much as possible. He was very pleasant company.
His muscle-relaxant of choice on the cruise was "Baileys, double, straight up." By Thursday the bartenders would "confirm" his order before he said it. Morning: I couldn't move in the room without a squabble. Evening: I couldn't move in the room without having my boobs honked. Delightful!
I began to trick him into drinking Bailey's. I'd order it "by accident." I know it was wrong. He drank so much Baileys he fancied himself a connoisseur. He claimed the Bailey's we had in the upscale on-board restaurant was a higher grade. Like Gold and Silver Patron, but for Bailey's.
Not that we are back, it's been hard not to coax him to drink every night. He's so much more agreeable. I know. I didn't encourage him to drink anything tonight, though he complained his back hurt. I know it's a slippery slope.
You could always slip a Vicodin into his milk. Although you might want to grind up the pill first.
Posted by: Becs | February 16, 2011 at 05:10 AM
The actual content of this post was a giant relief after reading the title.
Posted by: Tami | February 16, 2011 at 11:53 AM
This really made me laugh. Alcohol, pain killer of choice.
Posted by: Hattie | February 16, 2011 at 04:33 PM
But it's a tasty, tasty slope. When I camp with my friends we routinely have Bailey's in our morning coffee. Turns out camping is awesome if you're half-lit the whole time!
Posted by: Amy in StL | February 16, 2011 at 05:20 PM
I have a really bad respiratory infection right now and I've been trying not to bitch. After reading this I'm torn between giving myself permission to act like a dick for the rest of the night or just go suck back some vodka.
Posted by: allison | February 16, 2011 at 06:00 PM
I like your new banner. It's classy.
I like Bailey's too. I don't think it comes in grades (like gasoline?) but they make it in flavors now. The mint tastes like mint-flavored shit.
Posted by: Hot Mom | February 16, 2011 at 06:22 PM
I wonder. Could I get patients to drink mint flavored Baileys before a barium enema. Then maybe their shit would smell like mint-flavored shit.
Posted by: Wendy | February 16, 2011 at 07:08 PM
Becs - Gary's Muslim sister suggested I do the same with aspirin. I remarked I didn't want to decieve my husband. I need to loosen up.
Tami - I can see how you might go there.
Hattie - Gary's family is proud they never take aspirin. What else can you do?
Amy in StL - Coffee: a good place for Baileys. It would be better if you were NOT in the WOODS, but if you're okay with fleas, etc, then fine.
Allison - Which did you do?
Hot Mom - It's because people on the boat wanted to know how to get to my blog, and I decided life would be easier if I snagged www.mocklog.com. Good thing I made that typo, mockBlog.com was taken. Plus NO ONE ever understood "Putting the TMI in absentminded."
Wendy - Well, if it tatses like mint-flavored shit, it stands to reason it would smell that way. Smell is 4/5ths of taste.
Posted by: TheQueen | February 16, 2011 at 11:40 PM
Hey, I TOTALLY got the absenTMInded thing!
I'm so broken that camping still sucks even when I'm half-lit these days. Half (or fully) lit was the only way I made it through those 20 years of camping trips. I hate camping.
Posted by: Tami | February 17, 2011 at 02:36 PM
Tami - I hate camping too. Bugs. Loved it when the racoon came into our tent, and when the rain collapsed our tent, but bugs? No.
Posted by: TheQueen | February 17, 2011 at 11:51 PM