We continue to poke holes in Steve at work, hoping he will spill information about his impending baby. I asked if he would be putting the baby in the vegetable crisper and taking photos, because I LOVE photos like that. He said "No."
No explanation, by the way, just "No." Very abrupt. As if it were not a valid question.
If I had a baby, these are the first things few I would do with it. (Not saying "him or her." It. Gender neutral pronoun.)
1) Wrap it up warmly and take photos of it in the vegetable crisper. And in the sock drawer. I'd put some ketchup on its arm and get the dog to lick it off so it would seem the dog was eating the baby's arm.
2) Paint it up. Full makeup, rouge, lipstick, lots of eighties blue eyeshadow. And you know they must have baby wigs. Like these on http://www.babywigs.co.uk/
3) When the dog has barked his seven hundredth bark of the evening, we say,
"Mac? What are you saying?"
(High-pitched 'Mac' voice) "Bullshit!"
"Damnit! Shit's fucked up!"
"What is, Mac?"
"More food! Bitches!"
So, baby's crying? (High-pitched 'baby' voice.) "Gimme the titties, bitch!"
4) Take a photo of it laying in the same spot every day so I could make a multi-media Flash piece to document its growth.
5) You know how they have birth certificates with the baby footprints? I'd get an ink roller, ink up the baby really fast, and then roll it on a sheet of paper so I had a full-body baby print.
6) To be completely honest, if that baby had an extra thumb like I had, you know I'd eat that part after it was snipped off. COME ON. What other chance would you have to find out what baby tastes like?