I fantasize about being able to keep my mouth shut. To keep a secret. Literally, when I have fantasies there's always an scene in the epic plot when I get to say:
"Friends! Relatives! You may think you are at a backyard barbecue, but in reality, it's a surprise wedding! Because Lo I have fallen in love with my next door neighbor who happens to be a famous underwear model and I have NEVER MENTIONED A WORD ABOUT IT TO ANYONE. Surprise!"
I am also fabulously trim and fit in these fantasies, because they take place in the same Frozen Hell where I am able to keep a secret.
This is all to say, Steve from work is now my hero. At the end of a recent staff meeting, he announced.
"In February, I'm going to be a father."
A long confused pause. Then Tim remembered Steve has a dachshund.
"So... Peanut is having a baby?"
Steve said, "No."
(Steve is a dry person. This was not a leading "Nooooooo" or a snide "No." This was a deadpan, "No.")
More confused silence.
"Wait. A human baby?"
Someone asked, "Are you in some type of database?" because who knows, he might have needed a baby to grow him a new liver or something.
Then we had to consider there might be some type of relationship preceding this. (Steve is very close-mouthed about his relationships. Plus, he'll openly mess with you if you ask.
"Steve, how was your weekend?"
"I had a date to watch True Blood."
"With Marlo, from work. We texted each other.")
"So, how did this happen, then?" someone asked, in a voice of true confusion. Marcia picked up with, "When a man and a woman really love each other..." At this point people began to realize Steve had made a human woman pregnant, and we said congratulations, then we left the meeting. Half veered to the left to gather and stage whisper "what the FUCK?" and the other half dogged Steve and demanded to know:
"What's her name?"
"Reagan" (Not her name. I changed that. Steve didn't ask me to but I know he'll have to blind me if I ever see her.)
"So, do you know her? Is she a friend who asked you to impregnate her?"
"Of course I know her. And, no."
"Where did you meet her?"
When we started talking about love, he walked away.
(Later I told him he was my hero for being able to pull off my fantasy bomb drop surprise, and he said,"I really considered just showing up in February with a newborn.")
Wow. This is like a whole novel.
Posted by: magpie | October 15, 2010 at 09:15 AM
Wow, it's like he has a superpower. I can't keep a secret at all - I'm so bad at it I wait until December to buy Xmas gifts because I'm afraid I'll cave and just tell them what I got.
Posted by: Amy_in_Stl | October 15, 2010 at 02:23 PM
Am I the only one who thinks Steve is creepy?
Posted by: Becs | October 15, 2010 at 04:32 PM
Posted by: Mershy | October 15, 2010 at 08:33 PM
Magpie - if only he would get drunk more often. Then he might talk.
Amy_in_Stl - Gary can't because he'll just give them the present, nit just tell them about it.
Becs - No, those who don't appreciate a completely deadpan sense of humor could really be put off by him. But then, he just doesn't talk to those people. The first time I emailed him, he emailed back, "Stop emailing me." I thought he was serious. Now he's hysterical.
Mershy - Shhhh - do you know about the NSA stuff?
Posted by: TheQueen | October 15, 2010 at 10:12 PM
Becs - you have to run the whole gamut with Steve before you can truly appreciate him. Creepy leads to rude leads to appreciatively weird leads to funny as hell.
As with the seven stages of grief, the time needed to make it through each step varies from person to person.
Posted by: Hot Mom | October 16, 2010 at 08:06 AM
Hot Mom - that is very true.
Posted by: TheQueen | October 17, 2010 at 10:42 PM
My father has no idea that I've been dating the same man for almost 14 years. I never told him because he wouldn't approve of him.
Reading about Steve has made me revisit just how messed up that is.
Posted by: Tami | October 18, 2010 at 09:16 AM
TAMI - Wait, what? 14 years? Your father? That is a major sin of omission!
Posted by: TheQueen | October 18, 2010 at 11:52 PM
I find his sense of humor refreshing. He is extremely intelligent, very funny, and according to a couple of people who would know, hung like a horse. I think it is odd that co-workers expect so much transparency. Could it be some of you lack interesting lives? Having met Reagan at one of his parties last year, I know that she is funny also, is a moderate republican, is very pretty, and is able to juggle wine glasses. Memorable Reagan quote: "Motion of the ocean my ass, it's the size of the wave."
Posted by: Trixie | October 19, 2010 at 07:29 AM
I call my room mate Trixie, but I'm guessing that's not her, above me.
So, yeah, major sin of omission, I know. We haven't been together the whole time, there's 4 1/2 years of non-togetherness in that 14. Still, I know that my father absolutely disapproves of Jews dating non-Jews, holding on to that prejudice for dear life. I know how he reacted to my sister dating outside our religion. I know that I'm not likely to ever get married. So I omit.
I'm also pretty sure that my dad thinks that I'm a very lonely old spinster who's never... um... never. I'm all right with letting him think that, as well. It rankles a little, but once again, easier.
Posted by: Tami | October 19, 2010 at 07:58 AM
All you have is your soul. Be true to it.
Posted by: Trixie | October 19, 2010 at 09:11 PM
Trixie - (HI Trixie!) Oh, you lie. Steve would never date a moderate republican.
Tami - Well, that's really more along the lines of not telling your dad about your sex life. If your dad were Catholic you wouldn't even have to get that 14 year old relationship annulled.
Posted by: TheQueen | October 19, 2010 at 11:16 PM