Gary likes to punish his sinful mortal frame with a variety of diets, the most successful being Gary's gulag diet. I may mock him, but I have been to many a S_______ dinner table in which Gary's fat sisters tell newly skinny Gary his diet is unhealthy and ineffective. (He did gain back half, but it took a while.)
I interviewed Gary yesterday to learn some of the nuances of his new diet, the Six-bite diet.
Q: Gary, I understand there is a five-bite diet. Is your six-bite diet a variation on that?
A: Five bites! That is unhealthy! And ineffective! And no one could sustain that! That's some crazy fad diet! On my diet, the six-bite rule is a last resort, if you are forced by circumstance to eat a "prohibited" meal. Say your mother makes bratwurst, potato salad, cranberry salad, and tomatoes. Take the bratwurst out of the bun, cut it in half and put half back, cut that half in three pieces, then take a bite-sized sized serving of the salads and tomatoes. Five bites? No no no no no. Craziness.
Q: So, if that is the fall-back, what is the standard menu for your diet?
A: Breakfast is coffee with creamer and three splendas. Lunch is a grocery store salad bar salad that rings up at less than a dollar, like - a half-cup of Ceasar salad, one green pepper ring, and one crouton. Dinner is one slice of Pepperidge Farm Very Thin Bread cut in half, a slice of Swiss cheese, and an ounce of turkey. This is finished off with ANY flavor of diet gum you like! This is where you get the variety in the diet! And you can eat up to a pound of raw vegetables if you must.
Q: So that's the menu every single day? Aren't you bored?
A: Yes! BUT. Food changes its meaning. Food is no longer entertainment. It's just there to keep you alive. Food has no entertainment value; in fact, it really has no value at all. For example - oh, I forgot, you can eat out at First Watch and eat half a Tri-athlete egg white omelet on Sundays - but you don't bring the other half home. You just throw it away, because it has no value.
Q: You THROW it AWAY?
A: Yes! (Gestures expansively) Throw it away!
Q: What if you and your wife are each eating half an omelet at First Watch? Can you split one omelet?
Q: Why ca -
Q: Ok. Aren't you hungry on this diet?
A: Yes. Very hungry. That's the point. Hunger means you are losing weight.
Q: Do you exercise?
A: No. It's enough exercise just walking from the car into work. You really feel the energy drain. It's a better workout than exercise.
Q: Have you noticed any benefit from this diet?
A: Well, you lose a pound a day for the first few weeks, and food really starts tasting great after a week or so. I had a grape one day and it was like an energy explosion in my mouth.
Q: How much have you lost so far?
A: It's been a month and a half and I've lost 40 pounds. It slows down after a couple of weeks, then you'll only lose like half a pound a day. It's very discouraging. But, if you get on a plateau and don't lose anything, you just fast for a day.and that takes care of that.
Q: Thank you for your time.
A: Stop bugging me now. Shush! I'm watching Charmed.