I can't remember what show we were watching that touched on this topic. All I recall is Gary shrieking "Back to front! Who would go back to front? That's disgusting! Ellen, you don't do that, do you?"
"Seriously? I get enough bladder infections without inviting them in."
(Stand down. That's as indelicate as I am going to get.)
Well, it occurred to me, what Gary calls "back to front" and what I call "back to front" might differ. Let's say instead the correct way is "West to East."
Let's say France is my urethra, and Belarus is my anus. No matter my final destination, I would travel the shortest distance, from the West to the East, approaching from the West.
But then today I thought I'd check, just to be sure, and I was horrified to find that the Do 2 Learn Picture cards expect me to circumnavigate the globe and approach from the opposite direction!
First of all, if I'm headed to France with no stop in Belarus, screw this. Screw this entirely.
Second, if I am headed to Belarus I am expected to head West, fly over Russia and make my descent at an appropriate angle? I CAN'T. Do you know how big Russia is? The tips of my fingers line up with my tailbone (Japan). I can't make it to Belarus.
I thought, "Maybe I'm supposed to be standing." And it would seem www.howtowipeyourbutt.com suggests I stand for this. Of course, the dainty line drawing also suggests I get fully naked while using the work bathroom. I don't see anyone else at work taking off pants and undies. But maybe they only visit Belarus when they are at home. I don't know. All I know is I never learned this, I never asked anyone else to learn this, I don't think this is possible, I don't think this ever was possible.
I have one word to say. Bidet. Then it doesn't matter whether you go east or west, because afterwards you're going to flush the entire area with warm water.
And any thought of mockery is extinguished by the knowledge that only the day before yesterday I googled How to Blow your Nose. You know, just in case I've been doing it wrongly all these years. (I hadn't. Phew.)
Posted by: TravelSkite | July 26, 2010 at 12:18 AM
Yeah, I can't get to Belarus that way, either.
That's just a way to taunt larger women. Like those skinny chicks in movies who put on their socks by putting their little knees up to their little chests and popping that dainty sock over their dainty toes.
I think this is like white girls flipping back their long hair at black girls.
Posted by: Becs | July 26, 2010 at 04:46 AM
Those folks at Wipeyerbutt.com clearly don't deal with the moist, industrial sized loads I do or they would not be so minimalist in their use of tissue.
Posted by: Zayrina | July 26, 2010 at 05:39 AM
Okay, I really am not sure what the hell ya'll are talking about; but I think you're talking about performing a sort of self-reacharound to wipe after I pee. While I could; it would be tough to do while sitting down and I didn't really get that from the graphic. I thought they were talking about wiping your butt front to back and coming from the back to keep all fecal matter away from your girly bits.
Posted by: Amy_in_Stl | July 26, 2010 at 04:53 PM
Wanda Sykes. Seriously funny.
Front to back, clean to dirty.
Posted by: SurprisingWoman | July 26, 2010 at 05:36 PM
Big Dot - And I would ask the reservation desk if the hotel room in France has a bidet, but the SNL skit has put me right off that.
Becs - THANK you Becs. And I'm not totally sure it has to do with largeness. Even small I was long-waisted and short-legged. I'm looking at my wedding photo and it would have been a stretch then.
Zayrina - Good God I know! I'll have to let Gary see this. He can use up a roll per "seating."
Amy_in_StL- No, sad to say, I am unable to do the reacharound even when called for by the number two. I am too fat to wipe my own ass, or as I prefer to delude myself, too long-waisted to wipe my own ass.
Surpirisng Woman - couldn't find that Wanda Sykes clip, but I did find a very amusing one about leaving our vaginas at home.
Posted by: TheQueen | July 27, 2010 at 12:42 AM
Circumnavigation was much easier at a hotter weight. I still try, though I usually have to tilt the globe to get the job done.
Posted by: Hot Mom | July 27, 2010 at 09:07 PM
Hot Mom - That sounds like it would make a good guy-talk compliment. "Oooo, she's so hot I bet she can wipe from behind."
Now I'm curious to know if this is a trend. I'll have to look it up in old baby-training books.
Posted by: TheQueen | July 28, 2010 at 11:18 PM