The (Almost) Photo-Free Post

I ate breakfast in Louisville at the hotel. I always judge a hotel in part by its Eggs Benedict. This hotel restaraunt (named "Proof") advertised a variation:

"Proof Benedict - Grit cakes, poached egg, country ham"

Country ham? Now, if they'd said "Virginia Ham," I would've known what to expect, but I suppose a state all possesive about "Kentucky" bourbon can't throw stones. Or hams. Here was my mistake: after I waved dismissively at my arugla salad ("Why is this vegetation in my breakfast?") and picked it off my egg ("Why is this weed in my egg?"), I ate a bite and found it had a vinegar-and-vinegar dressing, or else it was pickled arugula. So to wash that taste out of my mouth I had a big bite of Eggs Benedict, which was about 80% "country ham." Or "Salt" as we call it in Saint Louis. Eggs NaCl.

It took me so long to get past chewing it that Gary took a photo:

(Seemingly, it took so long I also matured into my maiden Aunt Carleen.)

I washed it all down with a big swig of orange juice ...

... and an hour later ....

... there was a dangerous chemical reaction between the orange juice (acid) and ham (NaCl) and Pickled Weeds (vinegar, aka more acid) that I had to find a bathroom.

I ran to the downstairs bathroom. If you recall, the upstairs bathroom at 21c has eyeball images embedded in the mirror, so many people peek in. I did not want to poo in a tourist trap. I needed some privacy. 

In the downstairs bathroom, many people peek in, turn around and say, "No eyeballs."  People popped in three times. They said, "No eyeballs," "Neh," and "Nothing," when what they would have said at any other venue was "MY GOD WHAT AN AWFUL SMELL IN THIS BATHROOM JESUS WHAT IS THAT" because my usual lemon-shortbread cookie poop smell was overwhelmed by the smell of the country ("Smoking is not legally mandated for making country ham, and they are not fully cooked") ham.

So, no poo has ever required a courtesy flush more than this one. But they were high-tech hands-free toilets. The kind that go off when you stand up and walk away. Not an option, at this time, thank you. I tried bending way forward (useless) and pushing my back into the wall (useless) and groping backward blind for the magic button we have in the hands-free toilets at work. None worked. Eventually I cleaned up, stood up, turned around and kicked that hidden button before it had a chance to detect my motion.

They need odor-detector toilets, not motion-detector toilets.

Comments

[TravelSkite]

Never have I been so happy not to have a photograph posted.

You would think that a motion-detecting toilet would, by definition, have organised the courtesy flush for you.

[TheQueen]

Big Dot - OH! Oh! I missed the "motion" joke! Points for you!

[Becs]

Country ham is country ham, no matter what state you're in, so far as I can tell. It is tasty in many ways but in Eggs Benedict is not one of them. The chef is obviously deranged and trying much too hard.

[magpie]

This?

Bat sifgnal and pre meet in allet
Motionn activated bs odor activated because so
Wtimes there a smell but you can't get up fridge
Can hear Gary every drop
Subconscious Virgil link at end
Baby
Cursing in room duck piece of shit

Was the best not a post ever.

[Tami]

So sorry I missed that post. Thanks, magpie!

Personally, I think that country ham is just fine in tiny chunks flavoring your unsalted grits or split pea soup, but really, that stuff is SALTY. It's salt cured. I wouldn't want to eat it without the salt leeched out of it, somehow.

You should just eat the greens, though, they're good for you.

Wait - I just noticed - There's no Hollandaise. I was just about to make the point that you can wash away the taste of the greens with delicious fatty egg sauce when I realized the enormity of their error. What the hell kind of Benedict has NO HOLLANDAISE? Unacceptable. Proof is now a failure in my eyes.

[TravelSkite]

I'm worrying that the 'can hear Gary every drop' is a continuation of the later chat about the Good Wife post.

[TheQueen]

Becs - Yes! I'll never make that mistake again. No more, please.
Magpie - Forget you ever read it!
Tami - I just left them a comment on their site. However, Gary's egg-white-omelet-with-bacon was great.
Big Dot - Actually, no! All this was originally going in this post (errors corrected): "Motion-activated [toilets] are bs. [They should be] odor activated, because sometimes there a smell, but [regrettably] you can't get up [to activate them. Because you are pooping.]" I edited out the "fridge" story. (The light burned out in our refrigerator. I bought a motion-detecting light, and after a fun evening waving our hands over it we realized the only motion it could detect was when you would pick it up and shake it. I've wanted to bring it up somehow but it just doesn't translate.) And "Can hear Gary every drop" is because Gary was having the same issue in the next bathroom, and he never lets his accumulate. Every drop must be flushed. What pissed me off is he knew where the magic button was on his (or else he was lunging off his seat and then back on).

AND - Big Dot - it was late and somehow "bowel movements" and "bowel motions" got confused in my head. Somehow I thought you had made a SPECTACULAR reference to "bowel motions" I had missed. I've only confused myself more now.

[TravelSkite]

Good grief - so how many times does Gary flush during an evacuation? He must never travel to Australia.

And no! You were right first time: motion is a synonym of movement in this sense too, or at least it is here. So my points stand.

I actually thought you'd decided to forego the motion joke as being too obvious. (That's foreign concept to me, obviously.)

[TheQueen]

Big Dot - Gary flushes once per molecule. His anus would be as arid as Australia if he didn't use the Charmin with Lanolin and Aloe.