Don't Do This to Your Vagina at Home

@Polyester_Angel re-tweeted* a fine article : The 6 Weirdest Things Women Do to Their Vaginas

I saw the headline and started making my own list. 1) Hammer tampons up there right after puberty 2) Put carrots up there right after puberty 3) Lose tampons up there (everyone's got a story) 4) Put Hershey's kisses up there and then they do NOT melt and do NOT come out easily (everyone's got a story) 5) Wash them with something too harsh, like Irish Spring 6) Spray them with perfume (ow) or FDS** (Marcia has a story).

But No! This is the list.

1. Problem: Your Vagina Smells Bad  /  Solution: Vaginal Deodorant 

2. Problem: Your Vagina is Dirty  /  Solution: Douching 

3. Problem: Your Vagina is Too Loose  / Solution: Vaginal Rejuvenation 

4. Problem: Your Vagina is Ugly   /  Solution: Labiaplasty  

5. Problem: Your Vagina Tastes Bad   /   Solution: Vagina Mints 

6. Problem: Your Vagina is the Wrong Color  /  Solution: Vaginal Bleaching and Dying 

I'm pretty mad after reading this article. However, I'm torn between loyalty to my sex and the realization there is a great untapped opportunity here:

7. Problem: Your Vagina Sounds Bad /  Solution: Vaginamonica

The Vaginamonica would be positioned at the cervix, like a diaphragm, where it would react to changes in vaginal air pressure by sounding different notes on essentially a harmonica. ***

Excellent article though. An excerpt: "[Use] ...any time your vagina isn't as dry as a British sitcom."

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*I don't know if this is the correct APA citation style for a re-tweet.

** Feminine Deodorant Spray

*** Of course, it would be easier to plant one of those microchips they use for the musical cards on the g-spot, then one poke there and you could play a cheery tune. Or, whatever tune you want. Well, except for Beatles tunes. So, no It Won't Be Long or Fixing a Hole or Why Don't We Do It in the Road or Come Together.

Comments

[jessica fantastica]

I thought the article was pretty funny. So far I haven't developed a complex about my fun zone. Hopefully The Makers of These Terrible Things will keep at it! I wouldn't want to be a beauty failure. sigh

[Becs]

This would be an appropriate time to tell the story about "Listen, Daddy, it's talking to you." But on second thought, would rather not.

[Kathy]

"6. Problem: Your Vagina is the Wrong Color / Solution: Vaginal Bleaching and Dying "

Have you read this?
http://iasshole.org/?p=1771

[magpie]

Harmonica. The mind boggles. Is Bob Dylan coming to visit?

[TheQueen]

Jassica fantastica - Unless it's being given butterfly kisses why would anyone be looking at it anyway?
Becs - Tease.
Kathy - Oh! Never heard of I Asshole before but THAT explains the post title on Steam Me Up the other day. Thats another one for the favorites.
Magpie - Sure, but let's make it a very young Bob Dylan.

[Sugared Harpy]

I liked the comment about having a vagina colored vagina....I have NEVER thought about half of these things. And ew, mint flavored vagina sounds HORRIFYING.

[Thequeen]

Sugaredharpy - I know - I don't want a blast of mint there

[3]

I have a story??

[TheQueen]

3 - well, it works better when you act out you sisters (or was it a roomates) reaction, but didn't she spray herself with the FDS without shaking it up first?

[Sabrina Moore]

Vaginal bleaching is indeed needed to lighten that sensitive section. It is both sensitive and safe! Best of all, it makes you feel better than ever.

[TheQueen]

Sabrian Moore - First, hello! And I think I only question the word "needed."

[Jennifer West]

So, what more can a vagina ask for? She has all the solution to her problems right here on this list. Hehehe. Hmmm... I'd love to see (and hear) that vaginamonica. =)