I love Mystery Diagnosis. When they had a woman on with MS, I did not guess it at all. The teratoma episode: I could watch that over and over. If you've never seen it, this is the formula:
Setup: You meet the patient. Patient experiences symptoms.
Commercial
Recap of everything before the commercial. You can be really sloppy with the TiVO with this show.
New developments. New Symptoms. Patient is mis-diagnosed.
Commercial
Recap of everything before the commercial.
Patient goes to a big city hospital OR a geneticist and is diagnosed correctly.
Patient whines, how it it he or she was not diagnosed correctly?
I yell at the screen either:
A: "Because NO ONE has Analyze E-Factor Homolymne Syndrome!" or
B: "Because you presented with freak symptoms. Who gets MS by stepping on a crochet needle?"
Doctor explains that no one has Analyze E-Factor Homolymne Syndrome or that crochets needles are not a typical MS trigger.
So, I bring to you A Very Inappropriate Mystery Diagnosis.
You may recall a few months back, I had the mysterious monthly issue of blood from my labia.
That takes us to the first commercial. At this point in the show the patient is required to do the Obligatory Expressive Eye Close.
Obligatory Expressive Eye Close:
The doctor suggested it was just a mystery virus which eventually cleared up with daily application of cream. I shrugged it off. So that takes us to the second commercial.
Now, someone on the BNL Message Board said, "so you just had the Yeast Infection from Hell," and I said no, he said it wasn't a yeast infection, besides, I didn't have anything even remotely like cottage cheese coming out of me. (I almost want to have a yeast infection just to see that. Small curd? Large curd?)
THEN
Cruising across the net I read this:
Predisposing risk factors for vaginal yeast infection include diabetes (no), pregnancy (ha), antibiotic use (yes), stress (maybe, yeah), poor diet (*yeah baby yeah*), sugars (yes), alcohol (yes), menopause (could be), birth control pills (yes), pregnancy (AGAIN?), immunosuppression from drugs or disease. (Ding! We have a winner.)
So I read on.
Symptoms of yeast infections can include swollen (HELL yeah), red (yes), tender (I guess), itching (no) vaginal lips and surrounding skin. Often there is a whitish, clumpy "curdy" vaginal discharge (resembling lumps of cottage cheese) (OH MY GOD NO). The odor may be unpleasant. (Not before the cream)
So, by then not sounding good for the yeast, given that vaginas plus yeast somehow magically turn into cottage cheese.
BUT THEN!
For women with recurrent yeast infections, the symptoms tend to flare at the same time during each menstrual cycle. (OH! OH! WHAT WAS THAT YOU JUST SAID?) Sometimes women have burning with urination. (Like when you have a bladder infection? But then they say you don't have a bladder infection? HUH?)
Mystery Diagnosis Narrator Voice:
"But still, Ellen couldn't quite understand why it took so long for the diagnosis to be made."
You know why? Here's why. Ladies, if you get any mysterious monthly labial bleeding go right out to the grocery and buy some of this:
And spoon that stuff right up in to your Love Crevice. THEN go to the gynecologist.
Actually, I'm sure I was diagnosed just fine, given that he prescribed the stuff you give for yeast infections, but you know, he might have told me what his suspicions were, instead of invoking CANCER. But it was sort of a House Classic Diagnosis: Give her the drugs, see if she gets better. And I did.
And now! Mystery Diagnosis Outtakes!
Small curd.
Stay away from Vagisil during recurrant yeast infections. That shit stings.
Posted by: Hot Mom | January 20, 2010 at 06:03 PM
(Now it's my turn, Hot Mom: I read that as 'redcurrant' - fitted in nicely with the cottage cheese, curd, yeast scenario. So many things I can now never eat again...)
Posted by: TravelSkite | January 20, 2010 at 08:13 PM
Hot Mom - Oh, that's good to know. And thank you for ponying up the info about small curd. I'll know what to look for.
Big Dot - Oh, and muffins. Don't forget the muffin.
Posted by: TheQueen | January 20, 2010 at 10:01 PM
...I just feel the need to commend you on a very well-acted eyes-closed-concern-and-frustrated-patient. That was GOOD.
Posted by: Erin G. | January 21, 2010 at 03:50 PM
Erin G - High praise from a real actress! I felt my eyes fluttered too much. Another take?
Posted by: TheQueen | January 21, 2010 at 10:52 PM
All - and NO ONE commented on my obvious disregard for my husband? I was horrified when I saw that outtake! "'Kay, don't care, shhh!"
Posted by: TheQueen | January 21, 2010 at 10:54 PM
I was horrified, so I posted it! You are so funny.
Posted by: gaoo | January 21, 2010 at 11:43 PM
Gaoo - What I find horrifying are my short little eyelashes. I bet that's a symptom of Satan's yeast infection as well.
Posted by: TheQueen | January 23, 2010 at 03:36 PM