So, I know evangelist Pat Robertson doesn't deal with catastrophe well. He wants to blame every disaster on humanity's "sins." He said Katrina happened because of the sin, sex and drinking in New Orleans, and 9/11 occurred because America allows abortion. Today he claimed Haiti was being punished for a centuries old deal with the Devil.
Either he is drunk, which would be fun, or he really believes in circuitous cause and effect. I want the people of Haiti, New York, and New Orleans to blame their woes on Pat. I want Bill Clinton to go down there and tell the Haitians that the earthquake was God's condemnation of this asshole American evangelist. No! I want Pat to know his black heart is to blame for any random thing that has ever happened to anyone, including him.
Effects and How Pat Robertson is the Cause
Pat Robertson has campaigned against Global Warming. Global Warming continues because Pat angers God with his gluttony. Every time Pat has a Snickers God cranks up the thermostat programmed to kick in next summer.
Pat himself lost the 88 Presidential Nomination because he masturbated one too many times in high school.
He went to Yale Law School but failed the bar because he yelled "You NEVER let me do ANYTHING" at his parents once when he was ten. God had to wait a while to take that revenge, but not the 200 years he had to wait to get back at the Haitians.
The Bank of Scotland backed down on a deal Pat was counting on because Pat said Scotland was "a dark land" overrun by homosexuals. Oh. wait. That makes sense. That really happened.
Sometimes his penis fails to become erect when he wants it to. This can also be blamed on the excessive masturbation, and because Mrs. Robertson isn't a hairless young boy, and because sometimes Pat falls asleep without praying. Pat blames the lack of prayer, of course.
It's been unseasonably cold in the U.S. this year, because Pat Robertson has been lazy on the weekends. Mom's pipes are still frozen. I blame Pat.
In 2003 he got prostrate cancer. This actually is because of Islamic terrorists. It was in retribution for Pat blaming abortion laws for 9/11. Terrorists felt Pat wasn't giving them enough credit. Fittingly, rigid 1950s abortion laws are to blame for Pat Robertson.