FLORIDA - Today, Tiger Woods announced his plan to sue everyone who doesn't respect his privacy. The spokesman for Tiger's team of high-priced attorneys claims this puts them in the odd situation of having their client (famous golfer Tiger Woods) sue famous golfer Tiger Woods.
The press release announcing the suit reads in part:
"Tiger Woods (hereinafter referred to as Bad Tiger) has shown a complete lack of respect for Tiger Wood's (hereinafter referred to as Good Tiger's) privacy. For example, Bad Tiger had sex with at least fourteen females, and if not for Bad Tiger, these women would never have been able to violate Good Tiger's privacy. For example, Bad Tiger exposed Good Tiger's penis to these women, he left them voicemails, he may have given them semen that could be used to clone yet another Tiger. Good Tiger is outraged these women are now going public and talking about him in the media."
Tiger Woods is only the latest celebrity who has found himself in this situation. Another personality accused of disrespecting his own privacy is former NY Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, with mitigating circumstances: Mr. Spitzer claimed he thought prostitutes were trustworthy and honest. In addition, Mr. Spitzer is one of the celebs who feel bitterly that the public is still commenting on his indiscretions. "I have a right to privacy. YOU don't know ME. You have no right to judge me."
"AHAHAHHAHAHAHA," replied the public.
Spunky Labia, International Toe Porn Superstar, is one of the few celebs who has maintained her privacy. "I just live my life as if it was going to be posted on the internet for all to see. If it's something I want to keep private, I do it in the bathroom, where there are no windows."
When asked by our man on the street reporter, dowdy middle-aged suburban wife Ellen S____ wondered, "I'm only supposed to talk about things that are somehow my business? I had no idea that was the rule. Crap! Just today I talked about Hitler and Joe Lieberman and Charles Manson. Do they all have privacy too?"
The next few weeks will determine if Bad Tiger will countersue Good Tiger for invasion of privacy due to the public scrutiny.