"Gary, did you read the blog today? I just want to check my facts. The commenters are horrified by your mom's behavior with the dog. I need to be sure I'm not making false accusations."
"MASTURBATING THE DOG?" Gary screamed.
"Right! I'm thinking that I heard wrong when you said your Mom was rubbing Tinkerbell's vaginal folds. Maybe you meant she was just rubbing her belly like we do with Mac sometimes, when it's a whole belly rub and sometimes we might just swoop over the penis fast."
"Oh, no. Mom was specifically rubbing the vaginal folds. She just wasn't MASTURBATING THE DOG. She was only scratching that part because the dog can't get to it to scratch. You made it sound like some kind of inter-species lesbianism."
"Oh." (Inter-species lesbianism soon to outpace Spunky Labia on search engines.)
He continued, "Like when we scratch the base of the dog's penis because he can't get to it and he likes anything scratched he can't get to."
"Oh."
So, I have been corrected. Scratching the dog's vaginal folds. Not to be mistaken for masturbating the dog. I apologize for any confusion this might have caused.
Crumbs!!! And here's me thinking I was being kind to my cats by scratching the tops of their heads.
I am a TERRIBLE pet-owner.
Posted by: TravelSkite | December 16, 2009 at 08:50 PM
Firstly, crumbs is my new favorite swear word (see Big Dot's comment). Secondly, it's not everyone I'd tell this most embarrassing story to. I actually took my mastiff to the vet because he'd get knots on the sides of his penis. I'm in the vet's office, dog all sprawled out, legs in the air, getting his belly rubbed. All of a sudden the knots appear! Look, there they are! I tell the vet.
Um yeah. She says "that's his erection. keep rubbing". No wonder that damned dog liked me so much.
Posted by: Shania | December 16, 2009 at 09:08 PM
I can sleep in peace tonight.
Posted by: magpie | December 16, 2009 at 09:10 PM
I miss my little poodle dog, now five years gone. That slut.
Posted by: Hattie | December 17, 2009 at 12:10 AM
Ewww. I keep saying that. Ewww.
Posted by: Becs | December 17, 2009 at 08:36 AM
But it's ok to scratch the base of the dog's penis??? Whoa. You better just stop explaining; it's not helping. (Whistling, staring off into the middle distance.)
Posted by: gaoo | December 17, 2009 at 01:14 PM
By the way, Google has you 8th in 'interspecies lesbianism' (Google prefers to dispense with the hyphen), right after 'Jabba the Hut was lesbian'.
And now you've made me defile my web history. One day this will come back to bite me.
Posted by: TravelSkite | December 17, 2009 at 05:54 PM
Okay, now I am going to take a shower to wash the squick off and see if I can regain any sense of cleanliness.
Your "family" is farking strange.
Posted by: SurprisingWoman | December 17, 2009 at 06:34 PM
Next on Animal Planet: Wilma S______, Dog Masterbater.
Posted by: 3 | December 17, 2009 at 07:43 PM
Mac is never allowed to sit on my head again.
Posted by: Caroline | December 17, 2009 at 09:09 PM
Big Dot - Check with Becs, but I think that a cat's G-spot is the base of the tail.
Shania - There! Everyone else is grasping at their pearls and you, you step UP woman!
Magpie - See, now you're okay and everyone else is further squicked out.
Hattie - Uh oh - did she get herself in trouble with a rottweiler too? Or was she just always rolling over?
Becs - Now that Ive spent the evening viewing photos of pet genitals, I do admire the cat for its discretion and ambiguity.
Gaoo - Okay, you asked, I explained. See recent post. It is important I scratch with my nails, I dont rub with my fingertips.
Big Dot - Ha HA! I'm number TWO! I'm number TWO! (No hyphen, no quotes.)
Surprising Woman - Says the woman who gathers eggs still warm from the chicken vaginas...
3 - Ohmygod spell check!
Caroline - I just told him and he just kept licking his toes.
Posted by: TheQueen | December 18, 2009 at 12:34 AM
YEAH- CALL IT BY ANY OTHER NAME, SHE'S STILL MASTURBATING THE DOG.
AND JESUS, RUBBING THE BASE OF THE PENIS CAUSE HE CAN'T REACH IT.
GAAAH!!!
Posted by: Mrs. Hall | December 18, 2009 at 08:41 AM
Mrs hall - I have been scratching my dog's underbelly all day. I have changed my views. It is completely acceptable.
Posted by: TheQueen | December 19, 2009 at 08:27 PM
Isn't there a spell-check widget you can install??
Posted by: 3 | December 20, 2009 at 09:31 AM
3 - Ni, dunt tnihk sew. Wasn't there a high school degree you were supposed to get?
Posted by: TheQueen | December 20, 2009 at 11:32 PM