(Damn. That's what I should have called this blog.)
I've always known my hair can hear when I make a haircut appointment. My hairs unite and bid for a last minute reprieve. "We were just getting it together, man. Look at us, how full and shiny. You can't cut us now." I'll cut you, man.
I want someone to know my pubic hairs can hear me too. This morning they whispered to my inner labia, "She just called the gynecologist."
Inner labia: "She's on to us!"
Pubic hairs: "Yeah, she just told the nurse she was expecting her inner labia to swell and bleed this week, and that she her left inner labia is starting to swell, and that an appointment next Monday would be too late, it would all be over."
Inner labia: "Uh-oh. And I was all worked up and just starting to bleed on that side."
Pubic hairs: "Well, you better cheese it, man." (They talk this way. They're in the Muffia.)
Inner labia: "You are so gross."
Pubic hairs: "She thinks something's fishy." (Muffled sound of pubic hairs giggling.)
Inner labia: "Well, then it's time for a speed attack. We go straight to the bleeding."
Pubic hairs: "Get started, man, she's got an appointment for Friday."
Inner labia: "Shit!"
This same thing happened last week with my intense shoulder pain. It was gone by the time I visited the doctor. Time to shave my armpits.
I know. I hate that "disappearing before the appointment" stuff. Happens to me a lot. Of course, I am a raging hypochondriac. I've pretty much stopped going to the doctor, because usually what I get is a shrug or a prescription for Cipro.
Posted by: Becs | August 13, 2009 at 10:40 AM
This is funny.
Posted by: Erin G. | August 13, 2009 at 02:10 PM
... and the mechanic looks up from his crouched position, wearily shakes his head, and says, "Lady, I don't hear no noise."
Posted by: Elsa | August 13, 2009 at 07:13 PM
Posted by: Caroline | August 13, 2009 at 08:03 PM
Mechanic/(GYN )looks up from his crouched position, wearily shakes his head, and says, "They all do that."
Posted by: gaoo | August 13, 2009 at 10:01 PM
Becs - Hypochondriacs are justified. You just aren't sick enough yet.
Erin G - Thank you! I thought it might be, but I'm never sure. Y'all might have been all "Oh, that sounds awful! Good luck at the doctor tomorrow!"
Elsa - You and your sister seem to have a problem with mechanics! What does your brother say?
Caroline - I shouldn't admit this, but I posted this late at night and realized the next morning I'd missed a chance to call my trash-talking hairs the Muffia. So I added it.
gaoo - No. I can't believe all labias swell and bleed during that time of the month, one side on even months, the other side on odd. But what I WILL hear is "We don't know what it is, but it isn't serious."
Posted by: TheQueen | August 13, 2009 at 11:21 PM
How could you doubt that this is a very funny post? I meant to say so, but I got distracted.
And why shouldn't you come back and tinker if you want? It's your blog! And there aren't many other chances in daily life to improve on one's performance. A blog is a living thing, an OC thing maybe, always open to a little tweaking here and there...
Posted by: Big Dot | August 14, 2009 at 12:51 AM
Just go to the ER the minute it happens. Then, when you have proof of your weird muff bleeding patterns, hold it up for all doctors to see and yell "HAH!" at the top of your lungs. Offer no other explanation.
Posted by: Tami | August 14, 2009 at 08:41 AM
Tami - Surprisingly, I was wrong. The doctor acknowledged there was a problem and applauded me for coming in. Because of the CANCER.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 16, 2009 at 12:46 AM