Gary's Pants Betray Him Once Again

Previously on Gary's Traitorous Pants:

This.

Synopsis. Gary's pants have been known to tighten up around the Blackberry in his pocket and redial his last number dialed. In the past, this has frightened his parents and busted him as he lies about me to his coworkers.

Gary has carefully locked his Blackberry as of late, and I haven't had any buttdials. Still, Friday I got a call from Gary.

"WHOOSH. whoosh. WHOOSH. whoosh. WHOOSH."

(Gary's pants have dialed me, I thought. He's walking somewhere.)

"GARY!" I screamed. "GARY YOUR PANTS HAVE CALLED ME!"

"whoosh. WHOOSH. whoosh."

"GAAAAAAARY! GAAAAAAARY! BLAAAAAAACKBERRY!"

I heard Gary laugh.

Someone else mumbled. I heard the beep of something being scanned. He's at the grocery.

"GAAAAARRRRRRY!"

Mumble.

Gary said, "Yeah, my wife made a pie."

"SON OF A BITCH! I CAN HEAR YOU! YOU'RE BUYING MORE BLACKBERRIES!"

Mumble.

"Yeah, she thought you had to buy ten."

"I. CAN. HEAR. YOOOOUUUUUUU!"

Mumble.

"Yeah, my grandmother would can fruit. It's back-breaking work."

I decided to wait until he was no longer distracted by the cashier.

Mumble.

"You too." WHOOSH. whoosh. WHOOSH. whoosh.

I stuck the phone inside my mouth. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

I heard the car door unlock.

"GARY PHONE GARY PHONE GARY PHONE GARY PHONE GARY PHONE GARY PHONE!"

Finally though my screaming I heard him laugh. Finally he got on the phone.

"Hey! It's you! I got in my car and heard this little tiny 'memmeeeme" sound. I checked the radio. It wasn't the radio, it wasn't my iPod. Then I realized it was a little voice of Ellen inside my pants!"

"I HAVE BEEN - I have been screaming for ten minutes. You told the cashier about the pie!"

He laughed, unashamed. "I was talking about the blackberries. And my Blackberry turned me in. You must have some type of agreement with my phone."

I think there is a reasonable scientific explanation. When Gary talks about me behind my back, his butt clenches invountarily, which tightens his pants, which dials his phone. Butt-busted by Blackberry! Blackberry blabs Blackberry Pie Betrayal!

And he had NO SHAME, that's what really gets me.

Comments

[~~Silk]

Roman's pants called me a few weeks ago. I heard his voice and a woman's voice. *I* had NO SHAME! I listened for a bit. They were apparently loading a car, and he was frustrated, and when I heard "that" petulant whining note in his voice, I remembered why I didn't care. I also shouted. Don't know if he heard me or not, but suddenly the connection was cut. Gee, Roman, a "sorry my pants bothered you" might have been nice.

[Erin G.]

>>Butt-busted by Blackberry! Blackberry blabs Blackberry Pie Betrayal!<<

This is brilliant.

And Gary stories are now forever amplified in hilarity because I have met the two of you. Which is just wonderful and might get me in trouble for laughing out loud too much at work.

[Big Dot]

Butt call - booty call - butt booty call? I don't know where I'm going with this.

I got woken late at night once by the OH's phone ringing me from his breast pocket while he was talking to a woman at a work do. (That was the cover story anyway.) I listened for a while, but then hung up because it was so boring - and I was, get this, EVER SO SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINTED.

I think that's a double blackberry betrayal you had there.

[TheQueen]

~Silk - You should have called him back and "accidentally" let him overhear something juicy.
Erin G - It was great meeting the two of you. As far as I can see Freddy is exactly as you describe him.
Big Dot - I know, I almost went there too. I couldn't make anything of it. And with gary, even "nothing" is never boring.