Previously on Gary's Traitorous Pants:
Synopsis. Gary's pants have been known to tighten up around the Blackberry in his pocket and redial his last number dialed. In the past, this has frightened his parents and busted him as he lies about me to his coworkers.
Gary has carefully locked his Blackberry as of late, and I haven't had any buttdials. Still, Friday I got a call from Gary.
"WHOOSH. whoosh. WHOOSH. whoosh. WHOOSH."
(Gary's pants have dialed me, I thought. He's walking somewhere.)
"GARY!" I screamed. "GARY YOUR PANTS HAVE CALLED ME!"
"whoosh. WHOOSH. whoosh."
"GAAAAAAARY! GAAAAAAARY! BLAAAAAAACKBERRY!"
I heard Gary laugh.
Someone else mumbled. I heard the beep of something being scanned. He's at the grocery.
Gary said, "Yeah, my wife made a pie."
"SON OF A BITCH! I CAN HEAR YOU! YOU'RE BUYING MORE BLACKBERRIES!"
"Yeah, she thought you had to buy ten."
"I. CAN. HEAR. YOOOOUUUUUUU!"
"Yeah, my grandmother would can fruit. It's back-breaking work."
I decided to wait until he was no longer distracted by the cashier.
"You too." WHOOSH. whoosh. WHOOSH. whoosh.
I stuck the phone inside my mouth. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
I heard the car door unlock.
"GARY PHONE GARY PHONE GARY PHONE GARY PHONE GARY PHONE GARY PHONE!"
Finally though my screaming I heard him laugh. Finally he got on the phone.
"Hey! It's you! I got in my car and heard this little tiny 'memmeeeme" sound. I checked the radio. It wasn't the radio, it wasn't my iPod. Then I realized it was a little voice of Ellen inside my pants!"
"I HAVE BEEN - I have been screaming for ten minutes. You told the cashier about the pie!"
He laughed, unashamed. "I was talking about the blackberries. And my Blackberry turned me in. You must have some type of agreement with my phone."
I think there is a reasonable scientific explanation. When Gary talks about me behind my back, his butt clenches invountarily, which tightens his pants, which dials his phone. Butt-busted by Blackberry! Blackberry blabs Blackberry Pie Betrayal!
And he had NO SHAME, that's what really gets me.