Saturday we were out shopping, and I caught my reflection in a stray Macy's mirror. I realized that in addition to the face and figure flaws I've had all my life, now my teeth are too small. Clearly, I need to draw attention away from my teeth and down to my bosom. Jewelry! And here we were at Macy's!
Gary and I were there to buy him shirts, but I negotiated a little elbow distance. Elbows would still be in the same store, just in a different department. I've usually been able to find some interesting costume jewelry at Macy's; not as interesting as Etsy jewelry but I needed teeth diversion NOW. Sadly, Macy's seems to be downscaling their jewelry to meet the needs of recession shoppers. I asked to see some Etienne Aigner jewelry in the case, because I only buy my plastic and plate jewelry from inside the case, darlings, and found though it was in the case it was too lightweight. Heavy junk jewelry I can tolerate, but when it feels like plastic I must pass.
I met up with Gary who was bemoaning Macy's transition to cheaper prices and lower quality. On to Dillards.
Again, the elbows were parted, but unfortunately Gary finished his shopping quickly and found me just as I had fallen in love with the necklace on the right and then hunted down the only only saleswoman at Dillards.
NO!" Gary bellowed. "Are you KIDDING? You can't buy that. Why would you want something like that?"
"Because no one else I know has something like that." (And my teeth are too small and this will lead the eye away from my teeth. Duh.)
"THERE IS A REASON WHY no one else has that."
"I want it."
"It won't work."
"The ribbon looks wrong. It will get all droopy and sweaty and stained. And the beads look too even."
I said to the saleswoman, "Ignore that man. Here's my card."
"No. You need something more like ... like .... this!" and he pointed at some random necklace. This one.
"I'll take that too," I told the saleswoman, "He'll quiet down then."
(The beads made of smaller beads remind me of something I ate in my youth. Something about candy corn? Barrels of candy?)
Gary did appreciate that I listened to him and bought the candy / coinage / marbles / buckeyes necklace. Then, mad with ego, he tried to tell me my neck would look thinner if I put a choker full of chunky beads around it. My neck would look slim in contrast, he said.
He did make inroads into my confidence, though. Since the saleswoman mentioned that the cream and peach ribbon necklace was on sale because it had been in the Juniors department, I now fear I haven't seen this style of necklace because I don't have teenagers.