In Which I Again Suffer Briefly From The Shopstipation

Saturday we were out shopping, and I caught my reflection in a stray Macy's mirror. I realized that in addition to the face and figure flaws I've had all my life, now my teeth are too small. Clearly, I need to draw attention away from my teeth and down to my bosom. Jewelry! And here we were at Macy's!

Gary and I were there to buy him shirts, but I negotiated a little elbow distance. Elbows would still be in the same store, just in a different department.  I've usually been able to find some interesting costume jewelry at Macy's; not as interesting as Etsy jewelry but I needed teeth diversion NOW. Sadly, Macy's seems to be downscaling their jewelry to meet the needs of recession shoppers. I asked to see some Etienne Aigner jewelry in the case, because I only buy my plastic and plate jewelry from inside the case, darlings, and found though it was in the case it was too lightweight. Heavy junk jewelry I can tolerate, but when it feels like plastic I must pass.

I met up with Gary who was bemoaning Macy's transition to cheaper prices and lower quality. On to Dillards.

Again, the elbows were parted, but unfortunately Gary finished his shopping quickly and found me just as I had fallen in love with the necklace on the right and then hunted down the only only saleswoman at Dillards.

NO!" Gary bellowed. "Are you KIDDING? You can't buy that. Why would you want something like that?"

"Because no one else I know has something like that." (And my teeth are too small and this will lead the eye away from my teeth. Duh.)

"THERE IS A REASON WHY no one else has that."

"I want it."

"It won't work."

"My money."

"The ribbon looks wrong. It will get all droopy and sweaty and stained. And the beads look too even."

I said to the saleswoman, "Ignore that man. Here's my card."

"No. You need something more like ... like .... this!" and he pointed at some random necklace. This one.

"I'll take that too," I told the saleswoman, "He'll quiet down then."

(The beads made of smaller beads remind me of something I ate in my youth. Something about candy corn? Barrels of candy?)

Gary did appreciate that I listened to him and bought the candy / coinage / marbles / buckeyes necklace. Then, mad with ego, he tried to tell me my neck would look thinner if I put a choker full of chunky beads around it. My neck would look slim in contrast, he said.

He did make inroads into my confidence, though. Since the saleswoman mentioned that the cream and peach ribbon necklace was on sale because it had been in the Juniors department, I now fear I haven't seen this style of necklace because I don't have teenagers.

Comments

[Leprrkan]

Well... at least with the bottom necklace I can virtually guarantee that NO ONE will be looking at your teeth...

[Becs]

I like all of them. The coral one somehow makes me think of Marie Antoinette. In which case, all the peasants will be looking at your neck and not your teeth.

I have moved beyond my small gray teeth, knowing there's nothing I can do about it without spending thousands of dollars. My obsession is covering up my fat elbows, which these days is very, very, very freakin hard to do.

[Sherri]

I'm about to get back into the jewelry making business after two years of being a slack-ass. The Husband has promised to take good photos (I can take pictures of jewelry, but they ain't good) and I'm gonna set up an Etsy shop all my very own. I will specialize in Distraction Jewelry -- bright, shiny, and heavy, perfect for keeping people from noticing you are behind it.

I know it works because I wear my own pieces, and you should hear the gasps as people wonder how that beautiful pendant is able to float along by itself.

[Candy]

There are raspberry flavored candies that look just like those things in the bottom necklace. They're kinda icky tho. The candies, not the ... well ... yeah.

[Caroline]

I miss Famous Barr. Just yesterday I was at Macy's trying to explain to my 5 year old how much better Famous was.

How about some pictures of you wearing those necklaces? Not all at once, mind you. I'm curious 1) what they match and 2) if they work.

[Big Dot]

I don't want to play the thirteenth fairy here, but are you quite sure that's an area you want to draw attention to? Has it not already been the subject of some discussion and angst? Does Gary's suggestion perhaps have a subtext?

Have you considered a tiara?

[TheQueen]

Lepprkan - Gary came home today and said a fashion diva at his work looked at the photo and said the bottom necklace was the height of fashion.
Becs - That's why I love my feet. No flaws on my feet.
Sherri - What a lovely image!
Candy - Yep, that's it. They were nasty.
Caroline - Still working the kinks out. They tend to flip over. Plus, I need a coral shell and turquoise shell. Shell. Listen to me. Only old ladies wear shells, don't they?
Big Dot -
(Wikitranslation for the 'Merkins: "the thirteenth fairy is the wicked fairy" )
And I respond to you thusly:
http://tinyurl.com/ld86ky

[Tami]

The third necklace makes me sad. I get all weepy at the thought of people wearing fake money.

[TheQueen]

Tami - yes. And fake candy AND especially fake eyeballs.