Not good with money. Not good with math.
Don't know nothin' 'bout securities, don't know much economy.
But, see these big empty boxes? I'm supposed to absorb 70% of the volume of information that was in these boxes to pass what is essentially the stockbroker's version of the bar exam, the Series 7.
First of all, no one told me I'd have to do this. I heard about it from the former boss at Elliot when I gave him my resignation. "So, you'll be taking the Series 7, then, and getting your stockbroker's license?" my ex-boss asked with a bemused chuckle. (Or, rather, "sneered.")
I rolled my eyes and snickered, "Yeah, sure," and THEN found out on my first day of work that yeah! sure! they didn't tell you? Oh, wow! That's what you'll be doing sometime in the next two years. (To be fair, I rushed them through the usual interview process because I had a cruise to get on and get naked. Or maybe I wasn't listening.) Oh, they said, it's easy, it's just a bunch of formulas. Akin to saying, "It's easy, it's just in classical Arabic." "It's easy, you just have to flap your arms and fly." "It's easy, you just have to develop a new LOBE in your BRAIN."
Formulas, you say? I have found I am not where I should be with formulas. I just discovered that if you have two sets of numbers next to each other in parentheses you are supposed to know to multiply them?
Seriously, (800)(100) equals 80,000. DID YOU KNOW THIS? Why didn't you tell me? Why do you want to hurt me? Where is the times symbol? I'd take an X, or a *, or a dot. And, more important, WHEN did this happen? When the FUCK did they establish THIS rule? I was an English major back in the eighties, and the last math class I had was Remedial Algebra in High school except for the three days of textbook-cramming I took to pass Finite Math in college, and we had an asterisk, I know we did. This is some millennial bullshit. You dern kids and yer new-fangled ways.
You know what else changed? I just read that "[blah blah incomprehensible blah] is significantly easier now that stocks are calculated in pennies not in eighths ." Oh, yeah, and when the HELL did you change that rule, turdbunnies? Oh! 2001! OH! OH! Thank you for telling me! (And actually, thank God you changed that rule, because I would be flat-out doomed. I didn;t understand it when my Dad explained it when I was 12. It is probably what killed the securities neurons in my brain. Probably some lesion can be traced back to that very day:
Dad:"[incomprehensible reasoning related to Pieces of 8 and the South American stock exchange]"
My Brain:"[Zzzzt zzzt]" Brain shorts out.)
AND DID YOU KNOW They changed the start time for Saturday Night Live from 10:35 Central to 10:30 Central? Yeah? How did you find that out? Was there an announcement? It's not related to corporate finance but it's another example of the old folks being left out of the loop. You know what? It's probably broadcast in that frequency only young people can hear, except no, I just clicked that link and that is a really obnoxious noise. Don't click that.
I am reminded of when I had to turn to the juvenile section of our local library (where they kept the books about farting - no, no, seriously, it was the section for years 5-12) and checked out Our Friend the Sun so I could pass College Meteorology. So I could learn that the sun is closer in winter than in summer! (Are you shitting me? Did you know that? News to ME! When did THIS happen?)
However, I can tell you right now that if you are studying for Series 7, and you see an acronym, the O stands for Options. That's a little bit of knowledge I am secure enough to pass on. Because I don't keep secrets like the Stock Exchange and you dern kids do.