When An E-Mail Just Isn't Shallow Enough

Mom once showed me an article on the stages of a gardener: year one: annuals, year two: bulbs, year three: roses, year four: perennials, and so on.

There must be similar stages of Facebook.

I am now in the stalking old boyfriends stage. I know all of you went through this two years ago, but I am late to facebook, just I was late to sex and late to drinking and I'll probably try to nurse random babies off the street at ninety. But it's just so easy! And so painless. You just search, then you send a cryptic email, then you disappear. It's like playing ring and run. No consequences.

It has made me bold enough to go to what must be the next stage: stalking missing relatives. Technical Father had two children in his later (evidently drunken) life: Julia and Joey. Joey was institutionalized, and all I know of Julia is she had a baby boy with a distinctive name. So I'm thinking of ambushing Julia. I never wanted to make contact with her before, but Facebook contact is almost like non-contact. It's the middle-class version of "have your people call my people."

I don't have quite enough info to drop the "Hi. I'm your half-sister," bomb on Julia, but what do you think? When I think of people who search out adoptive parents, I always wonder why. It never occurred to me it might just be to see the reaction.

Comments

[Sherri]

Yesterday, in a moment of clarity, I deactivated my Facebook account. That very thing -- the shallow contact -- I find more annoying than useful.

Plus, I really don't want to stalk old boy friends and I don't know my eldest half-sister's name. My aunt won't tell me.

[Mrs. Hall]

I started out in the old bf searching stage. I mean, that's why I STARTED the facebook, to find the people I had written about in my blog. AND DAYUM, like 30 seconds later I had there profile up.

Like finding out they were living next door this entire time.

Then I have to tell them I did a post on them. COULD HAVE DIED ELLEN! It was like telling them i had a raging case of chylmedia and had to contact my former partners to let them know so they can get checked out. blah, embarassment and shame, deep embarrassement and shame.

That being said, I think people seek out adoptive parents and such to find out more about their history, themselves and to help their identity forming process. So go ahead and do it for shallower reasons. :)

o I love facebook. I really enjoy talking to people via the im because I am tethered to these tiny holler monkeys and isolated in a tiny town. And as I build a life here, my social life is supplemented by such contact.

[#0.75]

I think it's just nice to be connected to other people. That's what makes us human.

[Becs]

I have three or four or five half-brothers out there. I know where a couple of them are, but I've never contacted them. After all, they left my name out of my father's / sperm donor's obituary, so I think there is not the desire to connect on either side.

[Tami]

I cannot imagine my father fathering any other children than simply my sister and myself. The concept, when I try to imagine it, forms sort of a gray circle in my inner vision, right where I imagine the center of my forehead to be. I'm probably right, too, it's not like we can't tell where our own foreheads are.

Anyway, having said that cryptic remark apropos of nothing, I changed my Facebook status to a song lyric this morning.

[Erin G.]

I love facebook. Yes, it's shallow contact...but I think there's a place for that. Now, springing the half-sibling issue via FB? I'm not so sure about THAT, but I would be very interested to hear how that turns out for you, if you choose to do it. That's kind of fascinating to me.

[drenglish]

As one of the lately be-stalked (en-stalked?), may I just say--no consequences? Think again, lady: you're not getting out of this without I get at least some kind of narrative of the last, oh, twenty-five years or so.

Plus you've got this blog, so you can be reverse-stalked via RSS. And you'll never know. (Prior sentence ideally in italics, for maximum ominousness, but Typepad is cretinously disallowing HTML formatting.) So there's that.

[#3]

"When I think of people who search out adoptive parents, I always wonder why."

Just answers to existential questions like: Who am I? Where did I come from? How did I get here and why? What is my ancestry? Who is my biological father? What diseases run in my family? Do I have siblings? Do I have grandparents? What about life expectancy? What were the circumstances behind my conception? Was my biological mother thrilled to give me up or did it break her heart? Is someone looking for me? Is there someone out there with my eye color? My fugly toes?

I could really go on. In a nutshell, it's like waking up for the first time on a ship that's just entered port. You're handed over to the care of good people on land, but you don't know where you've been, you don't know the important things you should know about where you've been, you have no baggage, no papers, and you don't know why you were on the ship to begin with. The good people on land tell you it doesn't matter; you're here now and you are loved. And you are, but deep down you know something's missing, and that matters.

[Big Dot]

Once I knew there was an unknown close family member out there, I would be driven to make contact just out of curiosity - and Facebook would make it less daunting. But I would be nervous about what I might find. 'Can of worms' springs to mind. Or it could turn out to be a great thing. You pays your money and you takes your choice.

But wanting to do it to see how she reacts is a bit fly-under-the-magnifying-glass, don't you think? I'm getting a Gary Larsen image here...

[Moobs]

I don't believe you can have too many connections. I do not believe in culling those that fall short of intense intimacy. Why not be in touch?

[Caroline]

Re-read this part of your post: I'll probably try to nurse random babies off the street at ninety. But it's just so easy! And so painless.

I read those as related thoughts, not the end of one and the start of another. I almost laughed out loud. Those La Leche bitches who say breastfeeding shouldn't hurt LIE. They lie like a rug. It hurts. Doesn't mean I won't do it, but it hurts.

End of rant.

[Rayleen]

I once told my half-sister that we shared the same father while on the phone. It didn't go well. She clearly didn't know what an asshole our father really is. We haven't talked since and that was sometime in 1997.

At least two of the other kids know I exist and how to get in touch with me.

It's too bad, I would have liked known my five other brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, grandparents...

[Overflowing Brain]

What's ring and run?

And also? The image of you nursing random babies off the street at 90 will haunt my memories forever.

I stalk people from elementary school who called me fat and am totally thrilled when their pictures show that they are now overweight adults. Meh heh.

[Sherri]

Having a contact just because doesn't work for me. It's like a mental hook in my flesh. Just reminds me that there's yet another person who pretended to give a damn, but doesn't. I'd rather just not give that any energy.

It's been four days without Facebook. I haven't missed it yet.

[TheQueen]

Sherri - I would beat that info out of that aunt.
mrs Hall -Ive been loving the phrase "tethered to holler monkeys in a small town" for days now
.75 - But how many connections is enough? Is this that urge to merge thing?
becs - Yeah, part of me feels that way too.
Tami -Oh, my TF has evidently done many things I cannot imagine (or believe). Liek being nominated for a pulitzer - not sure about that at all.
Erin -Well, I had a chance last night. I think it might have something to do with reaching for more connections now Moms died.
Michael-the last five or so years are on the blog, so essentially since we last talked I married Gary/taught English/taughts PCs/programmed PCs. Garys sister married a Muslim dr and had two kids. I Got diagnosed with MS. Went to Chicago to visit my friend Melanie who taught at Northwestern, I was killing time at a coffee shop four blocks away and swore I saw you, but thought "What would Michael be doing in Chicago?" went for a second look and you were out the door,and then just status quo until the blog picks it up. You are mention briefly in two posts, one of which is http://mocklog.typepad.com/queen_mediocretia/2006/08/loving_the_blog.html
and the other is about letters on the previous day.
3 - It broke her heart. I say see if the family name is on facebook. You might recognize someone.
Big Dot -Well, what I know of her is that not only did she grow up with TF, her mother dropped he whole family. So she has my TF and her own technical mother. Warning signs.
Moobs - It would be like not conserving any enrgy at all because you on occasion fly in a jet.
Caroline - Ha! Didn't realize that i'd miscommunicated.
Rayleen - Well, Julia and Joey know about the existence of Dave and I. Still, yours is a cautionary tale.
Overflowing Brain - Ring and run is when you ring a doorbell and then run so that when someone gets there, they are mystified. No repurcussions.
Sherri - I hear what you're saying. I'm sure it will dissappoint me. At least I never gave in to MySpace.