Before LobSlau, Gary ran to the store like he always does at the last minute before guests come. If he had been invited to the Last Supper, he would have been panicking at the grocery. "How many guests? 13? 16? 20? 20 fish then. Do we have enough wine? Jesus might not want to make more. What about soup! WE HAVE TO HAVE SOUP! And Thomas is bringing cake but I doubt everyone will want that type of cake we have to have a variety of cake, and enough so all 25 people can have a serving!"
He did scream when we opened up the lobster box, but then so did I.
At first we didn't know why this lobster was puking up frothy bubbles. (WARNING: GRAPHIC LOBSTER VIDEO BELOW MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN)
Come to find out lobsters get motion sickness. I didn't read the research myself. Gary said googling "lobster vomit" just brought up hits on food poisoning. (He was anticipating "Lobster Vomit" would hit band names. If anyone from the Slaughter remembers the title for Lobster Vomit's imaginary first album I would love to know.)
The motion sickness came from the FedEx ride, not from the Roomba ride. The lobster on the Roomba first held on tight for the big initial donut and then the Roomba headed for the couch. Fast. Just enough time for me to estimate the clearance the lobster would have needed - oops. Not enough clearance. The lobster sheared off like the top of a semi under an overpass. Oh, stop wincing in sympathy. Fine, he was fine.
I tried to work up some hostility toward the lobsters by accusing them of drowning their children, but people seemed quite happy to let them die for no good reason. Hot Mom, however, did try to bond a little with her selected lobster. She got all maternal and pointed in Vomit Lobster's face. "Don't you DARE get my lobster sick."
Here's something else I learned: I am a crappy hostess. .75 asked for some water. I pointed at the cabinet. She went to the cabinet and said plaintively, "I can't reach the glasses." I got her a glass, and I think that was the last thing I did. Marcia cooked lobsters 2- 8. She might have pithed them first; I don't know. We were following the instructions from the lobster company and they said nothing about that. They also said nothing about pulling the lobster out after a minute because you forgot to snip off the claw bands. I did that with the first lobster. That was regrettable.
Anyway, another thing I learned is that fresh lobster is really really sweet. I would have said fresh "Maine" lobster, but while the company is in Maine the lobsters are clearly marked "Wild Canadian." And then I thought, "Well I like everything else Canadian, and it's not like they have zip codes in the ocean."
The in-laws today begged Gary to stop talking about the lobsters. No one wanted to see the puking lobster video. "We're animal lovers!" Wilma said, chewing on spiral-cut ham and hard-boiled eggs, "We don't want to think about that."
So, at the Slaughter I thought about that, and I made my friends do all the work while I was "hostess," as Mom always did. (Mom's friends sent a nice note on the anniversary of her death.) I decided what to do with the rest of the ashes: they are going on the graves of her family.
Next GNO we kill and pluck a chicken.
My niece and her husband (and six or seven kids under 11) bought a farm last year. They're raising animals destined for their freezer. Last summer they bought a herd of fluffy chicks, and in the fall, after a lot of research and planning, they butchered, cleaned, and froze most of them.
Niece was prepared for the trauma of the butchering. What she wasn't prepared for was how much her children enjoyed it.
They plan to have someone else do it next fall.
Posted by: ~~Silk | April 12, 2009 at 10:08 AM
If everyone just had their dishes on lower shelves, I wouldn't have needed any assistance.
Sometimes providing the home is hosting enough.
Although next time I'd bring my own furniture.
Posted by: #0.75 | April 12, 2009 at 12:07 PM
Okay, somewhat unrelated to lobster vomit, why does the Jesus in all the pictures below seem to be missing, oh, I don't know, the lower half of his body?
Did only half of Jesus rise from the dead this time? Shit. I knew I should've gone to church today.
I always miss the new gospels.
Posted by: Overflowing Brain | April 12, 2009 at 11:00 PM
Are you gonna smear yourselves with chicken blood at next GNO? No need to really answer that.
Posted by: gaoo | April 13, 2009 at 08:46 AM
There's some Orthodox Jewish ceremony where the men have to wave a live chicken over their heads. (I read about it in "The Year of Living Biblically.") Maybe you could do that too. Wave chickens, I mean. Not live biblically.
Posted by: Becs | April 13, 2009 at 01:23 PM
Gosh, you'd think we re-enacted Lord of the Rings based on the comments!
If we're really going to do something with chickens, I think it needs to be an homage to the superstitious guy in Major League.
Posted by: Caroline | April 13, 2009 at 08:47 PM
~~Silk - They might have grown to hate the chickens. Or they might be serial killers.
.75 - No, you need to upholster your ass, skinny girl.
Overflowing Brain - Don't criticize Healing Jesus. Jesus was just extruded that way. Healing Jesus was the free toy packed with these: http://www.stupid.com/fun/JABB.html
gaoo - Shhh. Don't give it away.
Becs - How is it my Jewish friends have never suggested this for a GNO?
Caroline - LOTRGNO!
Posted by: TheQueen | April 13, 2009 at 11:17 PM