Mac the dog gets me out of bed every night so I can let him go outside. I have found I can do this and not actually interrupt my REM cycles, and even go a little "outside" myself if I am so inclined.
He has a particular bark he uses to summon me. He jumps out of bed, barks, I get up, and he leads me out of the bedroom and to the back door. However, every few weeks, he'll bark, I'll shuffle, and just when I'm heading down the hall he'll spin back into the bedroom and wait for me to notice. He ducks behind Gary's side of the bed. I say "What the fuck, dog?" and that is his signal to go under the bed. He pops out from under the bed on my side. If I make a move then he ducks under the bed again. He looks like he's a muppet in an "Under" skit.
"Unnnnder...Not under! And noooww I'm ... under!"
"Screw you, dog. I'm going to bed."
This AMAZES him. ("Bed? But we are playing 'Under!'") He sits stunned and then goes back to square one, the demanding bark from the floor, then the pointed "under" demonstration. ("Look! I'm under! Now I'm not under. Don't you see? DON'T YOU GET IT?")
Then the second stage of UnderSpiel is when Gary is awakened by the dog's more insistent bark. ("UNDER!") Then Gary starts barking. "Dog! What the Hell! Stop it! Shush! Jesus! Go! To! Sleep!" on a loop for half an hour. I can sleep through the dog bark, but not Gary's.
Happily, Gary discovered the end game of Under. It worked once, then Gary replicated the result last night.
1) Gary gets the twin mattress of the guest bed.
2) Gary drags it into the bedroom.
3) Gary hurls it on to the floor next to the bed.
4) Gary lies down on the twin mattress.
5) Dog instantly jumps up into bed with me and goes right to sleep.
That is, of course, some smart dog, getting his master to sleep on the floor while he lords it on the bed. The marital bed... hey, I thought you slept down the hall? Has Gary stopped snoring?
I myself sleep down the hall these days since long years of snoring culminated in a nightmare that had himself punching me on the nose in the middle of the night. That's the story, anyway. I love sleeping on my own, but I struggle to rationalise it. It's a guilty bedroom secret that no-one here knows about.
Posted by: Big Dot | April 13, 2009 at 11:26 PM
Big Dot - I was invited back into the marital bed when the dog started insisting the whole litter be all together. I think he got too old and lazy to scamper between the beds. And I wish I had a secret I could share with you.
Posted by: TheQueen | April 13, 2009 at 11:34 PM
Puh-leez! You've told me (us) ALL your secrets! We owe you!
Posted by: Big Dot | April 14, 2009 at 12:07 AM
So many times I've suggested the not sleeping together due to snoring/kicking/spasming on the part of The Husband that prevents me from sleeping. We won't even go into bedhogging.
This suggestion is met with the most terrible pouting you've ever seen on a grown man. Apparently separate beds are a sign of marital failure, plus I am warm in the morning (when I finally get to sleep) and cuddly.
However, the next bed WILL be a king sized. Room for him, for me, and for all the cats.
Posted by: Sherri | April 14, 2009 at 08:22 AM
Posted by: #0.75 | April 14, 2009 at 09:14 AM
(More than one cat in/on the bed, Sherri? Go for super-king! It's incredible how much space even one cat takes up. It's as though when the light goes out they morph into Great Danes.)
Posted by: Big Dot | April 14, 2009 at 04:32 PM
Queenie: Mac should be renamed "King" cuz he's obviously in charge! Of both of you! You should surprise King Mac sometime and slide under the bed yourself. Plus (added benefit) this will really confuse Gary. --Vince
Posted by: Vince Gotera | April 14, 2009 at 05:01 PM
Big Dot - Yeah!
Sherri - He has been apologizing for banning me from the bed since I posted this.
.75 - Go allergies!
Big Dot - (Hey, .75. How ya doing?)
Vince Gotera - Good God, the panic that would create. Mac, Gary, the firemen and police Gary would call...
Posted by: TheQueen | April 14, 2009 at 10:55 PM
Thankfully our dog now considers himself too aged to jump up on the bed, but I did find myself laughing out loud in an empty room at the concept of cats morphing into Great Danes because exactly! I don't see how one svelte little cat can take up so much room that I have to sleep curled up in a ball or else spreadeagled like I'm pinned in the desert drizzled with honey and covered with fireants. Yet that is what happens night after night. Until he decides to get up and shred the couch which leads to a whole nother set of Night Moves. And not in a good way.
Posted by: gaoo | April 14, 2009 at 10:55 PM
> Was that message for me or Big Dot or from Big Dot to me or vice versa?
Posted by: #0.75 | April 15, 2009 at 08:34 AM
(Not that I don't hope you're well, 0.75, but it wasn't me asking. Signed: Big Dot)
Posted by: Big Dot | April 15, 2009 at 06:16 PM
gaoo - I never had a cat sleep with me, but I will take Big Dot's word for it.
.75 - See! It's confusing! I though it had been established that a parentheses indicates a conversation addressed to another commenter. Now you have used the > to address me directly.
Big Dot - Would anyone like a drink freshened? 3 told me tonight that I am a hostess at the comment party and I should allow my guests to mingle. This sounds like a good plan, especially since I can be a good hostess and still not get off my ass.
Posted by: TheQueen | April 16, 2009 at 01:06 AM
Thank you, Queen, don't mind if I do. Nice dip, by the way - who brought it? (Can I reach you down a fresh glass, 0.75?)
Posted by: Big Dot | April 16, 2009 at 01:21 AM
Queen - HUH?
Big Dot - Fresh glass? Reach me down? I think I want to say yes but I'm not sure what I'm agreeing to exactly.
Posted by: #0.75 | April 16, 2009 at 09:32 AM
.75 - It's a comment party. It's like a salon. People come to my blog and talk to each other. I embrace it! Big Dot talks to Sherri, Gaoo talks to Big Dot, and I get people wine. As long as you all use parentheses I won't get confused.
Posted by: TheQueen | April 16, 2009 at 11:38 PM
(0.75, I thought it might have slipped the Queen's mind again to put the glasses within your reach, you being somewhat vertically challenged, I believe.)
Good of you to have us all around so regularly, Queen - much appreciated.
Posted by: Big Dot | April 16, 2009 at 11:55 PM
Big Dot - No, it's my pleasure. The comments are my favorite part now. But I'm turning out the lights because it's midnight. Go talk out on the front porch.
Posted by: TheQueen | April 16, 2009 at 11:58 PM
Queen - I copy what you do and use "Person -".
Big Dot - OOOOOOOH! Yes, I will call on you whenever I can't reach or understand anything.
Posted by: #0.75 | April 17, 2009 at 08:09 AM