Facebook versus my Self-Esteem

It began with this:

 

I rolled my eyes. "So, Facebook, you have my age and you assume I am wrinkled." As we know, obese don't crease, and I never tanned or even went outdoors, so I let this roll right off of me.

Facebook said:

"I like her glasses," I told Facebook. "Is that Julia Roberts? She has a great smile."

Facebook sensed my vulnerability. It smoothly answered:

"Hey. Bite me." I said aptly, and refreshed the page. Middle aged women have dim teeth. So what? Facebook hit back with wrinkles ...

 

... and then just a generic, "You MUST hate yourself, you're old."

 

"Oh. And fat," Facebook continued.

"Back off, Facebook," I snarled. What was next? "WORRIED ABOUT YOUR CHINS?" "IS YOUR PUDENDA SAGGING?" "DO YOU SMELL LIKE PEE?"

Nope. Here's what I got today, not in an ad, but in its own modular window:

So, Facebook, you are going to end up like MySpace, useless and unloved. Do you want to be all young and cute like Twitter? You can be! With this special ingredient cream invented BY A MOM.

Comments

[Faythe]

I'm checking my facebook right now to see if I can get that to pop up!

[Bari]

I love you.

[Big Dot]

I wish I were as savagely resolute, holding out against the blandishments of the advertising industry. Because I want to know what the wrinkle-murdering trick is - and only half because it's free. But nothing would make me covet those Minstrel teeth.

[kelly]

HA!!! - too funny ad so right on- hate those ads

[Sherri]

There's a little set of buttons under those ads where you can tell them (politely) to fuck off and stop bothering you. Click the thumbs down one.

I do it all the time. Feels GREAT. They are running out of ads to annoy me with. It's like a game.

[#0.75]

I don't even SEE the ads on Facebook. I instinctively block them out. Maybe you need to add more friends so you're properly distracted? :)

[gaoo]

Now I'm all curious about what ads my 18 year old daughter gets. Zit cream? Diet pills? Ribbed condoms?
But I am not asking her to friend me so I can see. I'm waiting for her to ask me. (still waaaaiting)

[magpie]

I'm trying Sherri's trick next time.

[Mrs. Hall]

i have the same ads of facebook. I am not a fan of the adverts. They can kiss my ass.

But, hey

ELLEN!!!

hey, friend me, my email is

[email protected]

i just joined last week and really, it quite fun :)

[Tami]

I don't even look at the ads, either. Sometimes I notice that they're there, but I could care less. The quizzes, though... I waited my whole life for someone to validate my belief that if I was a Muppet, I'd be Miss Piggy.

[Erin G.]

OMG. I didn't even KNOW you were on facebook. And I have an email address for you, too! Do you correspond with me from your "B list" email address? Busted. I'm sending you a friend request.

[Kkat]

Huh, I can get a free pardon. Does that mean I should go and get a criminal record? Kind of like a get out of jail free card? Oh, yeah. And a free pair of Uggs if I'm 48

[Elsa]

Oh, dear. GMail figured out that I'm old, ill-kempt, and getting married, and now the Google ads are all urging me to try an AMAZING NEW weight-loss secret or to bleach my teeth to match my wedding dress.

The latter is particularly tempting, since my "wedding dress" is deep blue. Phew, dentistry has come a long way!

[3]

Facebook-less in St. Peters. Couldn't be happier.

[TheQueen]

Faythe - Evidently you have to have a "friend" send you an application that wants you to take an IQ test, then bail on the test early on, then they atart with the manipulation.
Bari - You love me, but still you think I am STUPID.
Big Dot - The whole "discovered by a mom" thing kills me. I mean, our Secretary of State is a mom, would someone ever say "Peace in the Middle East - accomplished by a Mom?"
Kelly - I wonder if we paid facebook extra if we could see it commercial-free?
Sherri - I did that today, thanks for suggesting it. I said everything was "Irrelevant."
.75 - What are your ads even like? Grow Taller?
Gaoo - I think when you go to someone else's page you still see your ads, not theirs. I might be wrong.
Magpie - I spent some time today doing thumbs down. Now it seems I need to FIGHT CHRONIC DISEASE.
Mrs hall - Huh - says it can't find anyone wit that email.
Tami - I'm the Professor from Gilligan;s Island, but then I knew that.
Erin G - Hi Facebook friend! I feel that's a step down from commenter though.
Kkat - Are you actually imitating royalty? Like that guy in Morroco? http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23724857/
Elsa - God bless you for going with deep blue. I don't even mind that you stole the color for my fantasy second wedding dress. Does it have deep bell sleeves with lace peeking out?
3 - Yeah, you're special.

[Sherri]

After a while, they start advertising shows on PBS and various innocuous things like that. Some are even interesting (if you like PBS).

You have to keep it up, though. They keep testing you.

[TheQueen]

Sherri - I thought it might be like the TiVo - if you delte all their suggestions, they start cycling through suggestions not customized for your demographic. All kids shows, delete those, all action movies, delete those - eventually you get all porn, all the time.

[#0.75]

Queen - Touche!

[Elsa]

The Queen: no lace, no bell sleeves. Also, not a dress! Very casual, very simple, very sit-on-the-floorable. I love it love it love.

When it first arrived in the mail, I tried it on, swirled and giggled, but thought "Uh... too dark for my wedding?" Then I realized I was trying to rationalize an excuse, any excuse, to wear it *right then!* instead of saving it for the wedding.

[TheQueen]

.75 - Point for me.
Elsa - I love the idea that you love it tat much. And the cake / cupcakes wont match the dress.