One of you (probably the bi-sexual one, you know who you are), asks: "Swine flu? Does she have a cough?"
Patient wheezes, "I coughed once today at a big meeting, and it was so disgusting the entire meeting of 300 people stopped cold, including the speaker. It was a cough followed by a strangling hacking sound."
You, the team, write down "Cough." and ask, "How did you feel when you woke up today?"
Patient answers, "Achy. I was achy all day."
"What about the last few days?"
"Well, I slept a lot on Sunday. Saturday I got a lot done. I was hoarse Saturday morning, but I'd been screaming a lot Friday. Friday I was okay, only sleepy. "
"What did you eat for dinner last night?
"An entire container of Planter's Honey-Roasted Cashews."
"Anything else you can think of?"
"Well ... last weekend my right inner labia swelled up and then exploded."
You hear another team member mutter, "TMI" You ask, "Anything else..."
"No. Not really. You know I'm on immune-suppressing drugs? FTY720?"
Someone else on your team writes that down.
House looks into the distance and then suddenly exclaims in wonder at his own deductive brilliance, "That's an MS drug! MS! It's MS!"
You say, "No, that's not it," because you are smart. (No one is ever smart enough to say this on House, they always say, "Oh, yeah, MS will cause your leg to atrophy overnight, or make your vulva fall out, or cause your bones to shatter." Then they will give you a lumbar puncture because that's so much easier than an MRI.)
"Put her on steroids! And interferon! And do a brain biopsy!"
"No," Foreman says.
"Hey," Becs interrupts, "Didn't I write this same post a month or so ago?"
"Yes," Dr. House snaps shortly, "But you don't have MS, so we can't do a brain biopsy. One final question. Does the patient have a fever?"
Cameron says, "Her temperature is 98.4" (This is trivia, but my temperature is always 97.0. I don't know if 98.4 counts as a temperature. Is it like a 100 degree fever in normal people?)
The Patient runs to the bathroom again, clutching her stomach.
So, you get to diagnose Patient Ellen. What is your diagnosis? The flu? The Swine flu? MS? Something else?
You have all the information you need to make a diagnosis. Leave your diagnosis in the comments. The answer will be provided tomorrow night. If you want to ask more questions, leave it in the comments, and if I take a break at work tomorrow I'll answer. Have at it!
Suddenly Dr. House turns and says:
So, let's look at this chronologically Her right inner labia swells, no doubt painfully, and then explodes.That was the first weekend, and I think it's pretty obvious she spent part of the next weekend using her newly-recovered body part. She spent Friday night screaming, but she made no mention of a fight, let's just put it that way.
House wiggles his eyebrows lecherously.
So her husband gave her such a workout Friday she had the urge to clean the house Saturday, and then sleep all day Sunday. As you pointed out, Dr. Hall, she has some type of infection. But what type of infection? Becs, do you have an answer?
Becs looks unsure.
Anyone else? Anyone with MS? No one? She has a blad-der in-fec-tion.
Evidently my body has become immune to bladder pain, or else I drank enough fluid over the weekend and on Monday to dilute the uric acid and mask the pain. It wasn't till sometime late Tuesday when I went to the bathroom and said, "Ow! Oh! Oh, of course, I had sex. That's whats wrong with me."
And the cashews? I'm just a pig. This morning my temperature was down to 96.5 and I feel much better.