So, crack detectives, put these facts together.
My Dog is over 10.
He is fed a daily diet of Minute Rice, Bob Evans Turkey in Gravy, and Paws Kibble, except he hoards the Kibble for later.
His favorite place is on top of my head. Scared? Climbs on my head. Lonely? Climbs on my head. We're in bed? Climbs on my head.
So, lately, the dog has taken a fancy to bare-dog on bare-head action. His bare dog spots are a) his anus and b) his teat area. My bare head spots are essentially my forehead and face. If he is feeling secure, he'll just creep in by the headboard and jam his anus up into my temple. But, if he's distressed because of a storm he'll face away from the headboard, straddle my skull, and drape his teat area across my forehead and nose. My mouth is crushed by his chest, but he's so relaxed I don't mind suffocation.
But then I hear a little "pft" sound.
When dogs are young, they don't break wind. When they are middle aged they might break wind - and while you may smell it, you don't hear it. Now my old dog breaks wind every night. "Pft." In my HAIR. Several times. I imagine it's still a bad smell. I don't breathe a minute or so after the "pft."
Some mornings I really have asked Gary to smell my hair to see if I wake up with dog fart hair. He says no.
Remember that old shampoo from the 70s - "Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific!"
Bet it doesn't.
Posted by: 3 | March 09, 2009 at 11:26 PM
If Mac is anything like our 11yo dog, I don't know how you sleep. Scotch can clear a room! Thank God he sleeps on the other side of the house.
Posted by: Caroline | March 10, 2009 at 05:11 AM
Between Santa, me, and the dog, one is never sure to whom one might attribute the noxious gas. I would guess Santa to be in the lead.
Posted by: Zayrina | March 10, 2009 at 08:26 AM
I'm sorry, but I could never love a dog that much. Jesus, woman. You have the strongest constitution of anyone I "know".
Posted by: Candy | March 10, 2009 at 09:18 AM
I'm with the others: once a dog pukes in my ear, he's done with lying on my head. Forever. Call me heartless.
Our dog Wilbur is 12 now. He does have a mighty stench about him, and he sleeps on the floor on my side of the bed, farting and whimpering all night. Thankfully he is too lame to get on the bed anymore. Sometimes he "poots" so much I have to make him get up and go lie on his own bed farther away.
In between urges to get up and languidly shred the couch, the cat Isaac sleeps on the bed at our feet, glaring up at us if someone has to turn over or other disruptive behavior.
What fascinating homelives we all lead....
Posted by: gaoo | March 10, 2009 at 07:27 PM
I have a farting cat, Ophelia, who sleeps either on my head or between the pillows. Sometimes. She has never farted in the bed, for which I am thankful, as it's a death weapon. She has many toxic weapons. I recall one night recently -- The Husband and I were in bed, and I heard action in the litterbox in the bathroom. Then The Smell wafted into our room. We BOTH dove under the covers until it unbearable. I made him go scoop. It was his turn.
My oldest male cat likes to sit on the chair behind me with his ass pressed to my ear. I guess I'm supposed to hear the ocean.
Posted by: Sherri | March 10, 2009 at 09:44 PM
3 - I knew you would probably smell my hair, that's why I didnt come to lunch today.
Caroline - I know, Mac emits a green radioactive cloud.
Zayrini - Gary comes in second to the dog with smell. As always I emit a delightful lemon-shortbread odor.
Candy - I only have to hold my breath a few seconds. If I were string I'd be like gaoo and make the dog sleep somewhere else.
gaoo - Heartless! What's a little dog puke? I'm with Issac.
Sherri - A childrens book! Ophelia, the Farting Cat.
Posted by: TheQueen | March 10, 2009 at 10:25 PM
This sort of thing cuts both ways, you know. I have a cat who likes to sleep inside the bed with me - she feels the cold - but when I fart she's forced out into the night-time chill. I used to try not to, but now she's older she lets out a silent-but-deadly herself from time to time, so fair's fair.
Posted by: Big Dot | March 10, 2009 at 10:32 PM
I have a 6 month old puppy and she toots like a teenage boy! She is of the silent but deadly variety. I totally don't trust her to have her caboose near my face!
Posted by: floating princess | March 10, 2009 at 11:01 PM
Big Dot - Cats can break wind? I had no idea!
I suppose any mammal can.
Floating princess - Mac does not give me a choice. He creeps up there when I sleep.
Posted by: TheQueen | March 12, 2009 at 12:40 AM
Holy Lord! I haven't laughed this much at work in ages!
Posted by: Amy in StL | March 13, 2009 at 02:25 PM
For sheer volume of flatus, as I believe it is correctly termed, it's hard to beat a horse.
Posted by: Big Dot | March 14, 2009 at 08:35 AM
Amy in StL - always be thankful that the people at work don't put their asses on your head when they poot.
Big Dot - flatus! But then, that isn't a verb. What about flaut? I going to adopt that in my house for a while, because 'poot' is just silly.
Posted by: TheQueen | March 14, 2009 at 03:35 PM