I was wrong, I was in Toronto / Niagara Falls in '95, 13 years ago, not 20. Still, 13 years can make a difference, especially in the animal kingdom.
One highlight of the trip in '95 was our visit to the Wild Animal Park near Toronto. We drove in and saw the sign below.
Like good Americans, we heeded the sign. And we drove through the park. And we noticed two things:
First, no one else heeded the sign. Everyone was passing popcorn to the animals. Giraffes were sticking their heads into peoples' cars. Buffaloes were scratching their backs on station wagons. Baboons were violating women in the back seat. Animals were being fed. Animals came up to our rental car, we reached out to them, they said, "Fuck you, where's the popcorn?" and they snubbed us. And it hurt.
Second, no one enforced the rule. I saw a bear masturbate against a car in a frenzy of popcorn-fueled lust right next a park van:
...and the park guide did nothing.
Of course, we drove through, circled back, and got some popcorn at the snack bar, which came, I swear to you, in a box depicting a cartoon giraffe eating directly out of a box of popcorn.
So, then we were popular. We were pushing the Free Giraffe Crack, then.
And the zebras loved us too.
And this bear ...
...would have done anything for me and my popcorn. So friendly!
But of course the friendliest were the baboons.
(That baboon makes me feel good about my breasts. We had a nice chat while she perched on the side mirror. She said, "A cyst like a lemon? On your what? Oh, that's disgusting.")
It was a good day.
We had a great drive down there last weekend, since it is autumn in Ontario. I suppose it was all the slutty scarlet sugar maple trees hanging out on the roadside, but there were gorgeous fall colors right past the border.
However, we knew we were in trouble when we bought the popcorn and it was in a bag, not in the box essentially labeled "Giraffe Food." And there were many more of the zebra vans, and they would drive up to you and scream things like "CLOSE your WINDOWS!"
The strange thing was that we kept trying to feed the animals. I think it was because I knew I was breaking Canadian laws, not American laws. I wouldn't have been such a scofflaw in my own country. (Well, we did ignore some "Do not leave your car" warnings in our Saint Louis drive-through animal park, Lone Elk Park. There was an elk, just sitting there, a few feet away. We got out of the car and petted its fuzzy crew-cut antlers. It mercifully didn't ream our asses.)
So it got to be a game - Avoid the Park Police - because really, we don't have to listen to them because we're not Canadian. And because we are stupid. It added a little safari element. (Have the audio on for this video. The last line is "They have crap on their car!" )
Crap can briefly be seen at minute 1:07.
The crap came from the baboons. The baboons are popcorn whores.
Some of them are popcorn pimps. NSFW!
Evidently they even circumcise the baboons in Canada.
This was a baboon from the genus Giant Lumbering Baboon:
The baboon above was the giant baboon I was so intimidated by in the video below.
So, even though the animals are almost all Just Saying No to popcorn (the baboons still have a monkey on their backs) it was a good experience. It makes me want to take some Orville Redenbachers to Lone Elk Park and see what action we get.