Telephony

I had two experiences today with automated phone systems.

1. The Water Company.

I had received a letter from Missouri-American Water that my Yearly Backflow Test had not been run and this was my SECOND NOTICE and I should feel great shame when calling them immediately. I called immediately.

A machine picked up and said, "Hello, this is Missouri American Water Company. If you have recently received a letter stating you have not submitted the results of your Yearly Backflow Test, be apprised that we have received a high volume of these tests this year, resulting in a backlog, and that your test has probably been received. In that case, please ignore the letter."

Click! I hang up and toss the letter in the trash. Excellent telephony experience.

2. The Insurance Company.

"Welcome to Cigna Healthcare. If you are a patient, say 'patient'."

"Patient."

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. If you are a patient -"

"Patient!" I said, impatiently.

"Let me try again. If you are -"

"PAY! TIENT!" I spat distinctly and crisply. And I snapped that P. Like a snap pea. Like Leona Helmsley talking to the dog walker.

"If this is for a claim, say -"

"Claim"

"I'm sorry, I -"

I sighed in frustration.

"Let me try - "

"CLAYYYMMMM" I snarled. It got that. It seemed the system reacted well to abuse. Unfortunately, after I snipped and bitched and hissed my way through all the answers, I got to a human.

"Hello, ma'am, I understand you are asking about a claim?"

"YESSSSSS." I said in my new  Telephony Tone - like The Tone, only clearer. Can you hear my Tone now?

"Let me call it up on the system. How has your day been so far?"

I considered what my response should be, then said shortly, "FAIR." Then I realized this was a human and he didn't require one word distinctly snapped answers.

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If only Cigna could have picked up the phone and an automated voice could have said, "This is Cigna Healthcare. If your name is Ellen, and we recently sent you a claim, just toss that in the trash right now. Bye!"

Comments

[Caroline]

Remember the work I did at American Water? I loved them. And I recorded one of their messages that went out to all their CA customers. Imagine that - much of CA has heard my voice!

Next time the bitchy computer doesn't understand you, try shouting phrases like operator, representative, help, and (my last resort) human being.

[magpie]

I've had a whole week like that. And I'm about to do battle with AT&T. Argh.

[Candy]

The only thing that would have made that better is if the customer service rep had been named Rory, and he was in New Delhi.

[TheQueen]

Caroline - That works? I usually love telephony, especially at doctors offices, but I didn't like the fake "friendliness" of this one.
Magpie - AT&T is the worst. No - Moms cable was the worst. "Ma'am, you aren't authorised to turn off your [dead] mother's cable."
Candy - He was flirting with the UHC rep, I know that.

[Caroline]

One of my teammates - WHEN I WORKED AT THE CABLE CO - had the same experience when her mother died. They refused to take back the equipment. It went on for months.

And yes, usually one of those words works, but if they don't, the satisfaction of screaming HUMAN BEING at a computer helps break the tension.

[TheQueen]

Caroline - Even employees at Charter get this treatment? I explained to the manager that since I wasn't authorized to cancel, then I wouldn't and they could just disconnect it when it went into arrears. Ans then I didn't pay the bill until it went to the collection agency.