Such an excess of nothing happened today that I have nothing to say. All I can do is betray my family by telling you tales of their foolishness.
KMOX Talk Radio, Circa 1985
One weekend while I was engaged to Gary I was driving to see my parents. Dad was at my parent's house. Across the Saint Louis metro area, Mom was driving home, and Gary was driving to his parents seven miles away. Mom, Gary and I simultaneously I heard a voice on the radio say,
"Got a wife."
I wasn't listening to the radio carefully, but I was aware that it was KMOX (The Voice of St. Louis). "Huh," I thought. "That guy sounds like Dad."
"Got a daughter."
I thought, "Wow! He sounds just like Dad when he's drunk. I wonder if that guy's drunk."
Then I realized it was Friday. Every Friday, Dad went to Rizzos in North County and got roaring drunk.
I was hypnotized by my Drunk Friday Dad going out over the airwaves at 50,000 watts. I missed my exit as Dad continued, "And my wife makes $17,000 a year working for the state. This kid makes that much as a first year teacher, and let me tell you, she could never make that much working in the public sector."
"Hey!" I yelled at the radio. First of all, I made $12,000.
The talk show host, a very polite man, asked "Sir, are you saying that you think teachers are overpaid?"
Dad said, with great significance, "What do YOU think?" Not, "Whaddaya think" but "I am very interested to know your thoughts on the subject."
The host said, "No, sir, what do YOU think?"
Dad replied primly, "No, what do YOOOOOOOU think?"
"I think it's time to go to a news break," said the host.
Unbeknowst to me, as I was yelling at the radio and missing my exit, Mom was pulling into the driveway and Gary was making a U-turn to go to my parents instead, because he knew there would for once be more chaos at my parents than his.
Mom walked in and said, "You really shouldn't call up the radio on Fridays."
Gary walked in five minutes later, thrilled, thrilled to have heard Dad on the radio. "Why were you asking the DJ what he thought about it?"
"I had a cogent thought," Dad said. "But he cut me off before I could say it. I can't remember it now."
Gary said, "Do you think Ellen heard it?"
For some reason, I didn't have a key to my parents door, so I had to knock. Dad opened the door. "OVERPAID?" I roared at him.
"So I guess you heard it," Dad chirped like this was the greatest thing ever. Ever! Really great! Great like almost having a cogent thought expressed on the radio while you are hammered great!
But you know what was really great? All my new teacher friends at the school heard it too. "Hey, did you hear that guy on KMOX last week?" "Yes, he's my dad, it was Friday, I don't make $17,000."
Other than that, there was no fallout except that "I had a cogent thought" entered our family lexicon.
It must have sucked to have only one radio station back then.
Posted by: #0.75 | July 29, 2008 at 07:55 AM
I wish I had friends like #0.75.
Posted by: christy | July 29, 2008 at 09:05 AM
Ha, cogent is one of the GRE words I can't remember. I guess that blow my theory that I don't know those 45 words because no one in the universe has ever used them.
Like pulchritude. Or potentate.
Posted by: Overflowing Brain | July 29, 2008 at 10:55 AM
Somehow my log in for everything has been changed from katie to overflowing brain. Whatever. I know my name, that's all that really matters.
Posted by: Overflowing Brain | July 29, 2008 at 10:55 AM
Back in the late 80s and early 90s I used to listen to KMOX when I was homesick. Hearing people talk about St. Louis things seemed to make me feel I was home. I would have died if one of my parents had called in.
Posted by: Amy in StL | July 29, 2008 at 12:31 PM
That's the most awesome story I've heard all day! :)
I love the part where Gary immediately headed to your parents' house. :)
In the late 80's I had a job making about $16,000 and everyone in the office was told they couldn't get a raise "because (ajooja) makes too much money for his job." Sheesh!
Posted by: ajooja | July 29, 2008 at 01:39 PM
Great story. I once had an Eng Lit essay at university called 'cogent' by the professor, whom I worshipped (Roger Robinson for God!) - it's a word I've been fond of ever since.
Posted by: Big Dot | July 29, 2008 at 03:10 PM
I've had that similar "oh shit, that's dad" experience many times while listening to KTRS. Thank God he isn't drunk, he just finds himself very interesting.
Posted by: Caroline | July 29, 2008 at 06:32 PM
#0.75 - Well, there was only one station you could find easily in your car radio. Hush up.
Christy - You can have her!
Overflowing Brain - Oh, read the Yiddish Policeman's Union - Lots of new words in there.
Amy in StL - Aww, that's nice. I heard a radio station from my home state of Texas on a clear night a few years back. Of course, you can hear KMOX from sea to shining sea, pratically.
Ajooja - $16K? Hey! I only made 12K! Bogus!
Big Dot - I can never picture cogent used in a sentence other than "I had a cogent thought."
Caroline - KTRS? I thought there was only one station...
Posted by: TheQueen | July 29, 2008 at 11:55 PM
Christy - I'm for rent! I'm cheap...and easy!
Queen - Good news, I finally get AM stations in my car! :P
Posted by: #0.75 | July 30, 2008 at 08:10 AM
0.75 - Somehow, I have the idea that AM is Republican and FM is Democrat. I could be wrong.
Posted by: TheQueen | July 30, 2008 at 11:12 PM
hahaha Well if it makes you feel any better, I couldn't get AM stations in my Malibu for the last 10 years.
Now that I can...I just listen to the ballgame.
When it's not ballgame time, I am rockin' out to my 12 FM stations!
I can hear 93.3 now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: #0.75 | July 31, 2008 at 09:10 AM
#0.75 - KMOX is such a part of Saint Louis. Mom told me that Harry Carey had to go call ball in Chicago because he had an affair with Mrs. Auggie Busch. Hence Jack Buck, and JB Jr. And to think its been around since the 20s.
Posted by: TheQueen | July 31, 2008 at 10:58 PM