Once More Unto the Breach, Dear Friends, Once More

Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war, because I am doing battle here in the House of S_________.

As part of my strategy, I haven't officially declared war. Gary has no idea tensions have escalated to this point.

It's just that I went in to the bathroom, to urinate, to relieve my bladder, if you will, and was forced instead to whirl about and roar with fury when I saw the empty toilet paper roll.

I believe I said, "Damnit! Gary! Arrrrgh!" as I trotted to the other bathroom. I saw the empty toilet paper roll in that bathroom as well. "Arrrgrgrggrgrhhh! Gary!"

"You'll have to go down to the basement," Gary yelled. The basement is where we stored the stockpile of toilet paper and paper towels that came from Mom's house. (Like an inheritance, it was.)

He added, "There's no toilet paper in the linen closet, either," as I was desperately rummaging through the linen closet.

"Gary, if you knew there was no toilet paper, you should have replaced it! Arrrgggh!"

Then I spotted the box of Kleenex Mom kept stored here for visits (because we use hankies here, that is the S_______ way). My Secret Weapon, I decided. I did not go to the basement. I am NOT going to the basement. I marched into the bathroom, pissed, and wiped with Mom's Kleenex and then I HID it, like a WMD should be hidden.

Sure, he thinks he's all manly and strong, because I can't just waggle my urethra and shake any drips out. We shall just see. With the hidden weapon, I think my bladder will hold out longer than his colon.

Comments

[Caroline]

Now you know you have to post the crazy thing he says the first he has to sit to do his business. I'm sure his lack of toilet paper will be your fault.

[TheQueen]

Caroline - Well it will be.

Plus, given that you commented SECONDS after I posted this, are you the person whom has been reading since nine oclock? Someone is thumbing through everything, and I want to say hi. Hi, person!

[judibleu]

Rock on, Sister! Don't give in, never give in! You have all of us looking on to see if a lesson can be taught to one of those heathens that most of us live with. I'm fixin' to write a post about how my husband of 25 years has never, not once bent over and thrown away an old bar of soap. I'm going to document the phoenomina. He must think Peter Pan takes them all away when they get too small! He just smiles and says, "Glad I can amuse you, dear".

[judibleu]

Damn! If I hadn't been so wordy, I'd have been first!

[TheQueen]

Judibleu - This is bad - I don't know where the old soap goes in our house. Uh oh. I might be guilty...

[Big Dot]

I fully expect you to find that this is a surer way to Gary's heart - or vulnerable spot - than the opposite and better known route.

[Caroline]

Wasn't me. I was still watching Batman at 9. Didn't get home until 10. But I did notice you hadn't commented on much from yesterday yet, so I just came back to see what you had to say.

[Autumn]

You never disappoint when I come visit :)

[Sherri]

The single best thing about our new and much smaller abode is that The Husband has his own bathroom. Yep, his own private, all to himself, I-don't-go-in-there bathroom. So, I have a storage spot for the TP in my bathroom, he has one in his, there's one in the downstairs powder room, and I watch my paper levels hawkishly. I'll know if he starts stealing, too, because he can't close a cabinet.

Genetic damage, I think.

[Shania]

If you need reinforcements, I will man the supply train. We will ship you tp in plain brown wrapping and you can hide it.

[KC]

You had me at "Cry havoc". I love anyone who quotes Shakespeare in their posts regarding urination and the lack of toilet paper.

The other day, Hubby yelled from the small bathroom that there was no toilet paper. I didn't answer right away because I wanted to see if he would actually "ask" me to get him some, not just announce that there wasn't any there. Silence. He did not say another word. I broke. I couldn't take it. I had to inform him that there were 3 extra rolls right next to his knees in the pretty silver cannister made just for back-up rolls. He didn't even thank me. :)

[Amy in StL]

Wow, sooooo glad at this moment that I live alone! Not that I don't run out of TP, but that when I do, I just use a tissue until my next trip to the store. Because. I. Can.

[magpie]

(Like an inheritance, it was.)

I love that sentence. My sister has been purloining the stockpiled shampoo and soap from my mother's house.

[Overflowing Brain]

Do you live at my house?

Because this very same thing happened to me, only he had managed to get out a roll of toilet paper but for 3 days would not put it on the hanger. So last night I told him if he came out of the bathroom and it wasn't on the hanger that I was going to hide all the TP while he was at work and charge a ransom for it.

Sure enough, he put it on the hanger. And then I peed and realized that there were TWO SQUARES LEFT. And then I killed him because seriously?

[Becs]

An opposing point of view, as always - Does he love you? Does he pull his own weight in the house (ie, doesn't blow his paycheck on beer and lottery tickets)? Has he never raised a hand to you? Does he hold you tight when you need it?

If you answer yes to these, shut up and change the toilet paper. You don't appreciate what you've got.

[Big Dot]

Very true, Becs, very true.

However, he could be all these things AND replace the loo roll AS WELL (or, in my case, rinse his spit off the electric tooth brush). And then what an even more WONDERFUL WORLD it would be!

[Sherri]

Feh. He lives there and he uses toilet paper. I would not be GRATEFUL someone didn't beat me, ignore me, leave me in debt, or otherwise abuse me. I'd EXPECT he wouldn't do that, because I don't and would not do that to HIM.

I also replace the toilet paper when I use it up, and I expect it of him.

[Caroline]

Wow, Becs. That's all you expect out of a relationship? Because I'm pretty sure the Queen does all of the same for Gary. Does that exempt her from toilet paper duty?

I don't care whether you're in a home, an office, a friend's house, whatever. Anyone over the age of 4 should know better than to walk away from an empty roll leaving the next person to sit and drip. If my daughter can handle this responsibility, so can Gary.

[TheQueen]

Big Dot - Well, I did make my famous chicken soup recently.
Caroline - I've been gone almost a day and a half! I think this is the longest ever.
Autumn - Hey - my bloglines didn't recognize that you were updating. Now I get email when you do, as of today.
Sherri - I can't close a cabinet either. Gary hates it. Might be genetic.
Shania - Or, even easier, just get me rough toilet paper. Gary is very particular.
KC - For quite a while we kept extra rolls in a nice chrome basket, but that displeased Gary.
Amy in StL - Well, I am glad I can make you happy.
Magpie - Oh! Soap! I forgot about her soap! Thank you!
Katie Brain - Yeah, that's why I gave up on the hanger and went with the pretty chrome basket (see above). Now we are back to the hanger.
Becs - But what would I blog about, then?
Big Dot / Sherri / Caroline - All good points, but then I would be expected to do things for him like close the cabinet doors because he does.

[PolymorphicGirl]

I think you are supposed to wipe on the hand towel and then not use it yourself.

[TheQueen]

Polymorphic Girl - Why didn't I think of that!