Okay, Dots, big and small, raise your hands if you DID sit there smugly and say "she's repressing her feelings about her Mom's death."
That was when I said, "No, I'm crazy. I am not myself. I just said someone hurt my feelings. For two solid days. I'm not like that."
And then YOU said, "Hyper sensitivity and emotional lability are signs of repressed grief."
And then I said, "Fine, whatever. You Googled that."
And then Friend #3 said, "I told you so. I said, you need grief counseling. That's what I said at lunch."
And I was all, like, "Seriously, I know when I'm sad and when I'm depressed. I'm depressed. This makes no sense. Why am I always crying? This is crazy."
And then the Voice said "..."
The Voice said nothing, because for the last few weeks my thoughts are all under control; it's just my emotions that are on the edge.
And then all the little Dots said, "Who is this flaky cow, and what is she talking about? Scary."
====================================
So here's what happened. Friday I had the big meeting, and there were no tears. However, my boss asked me to sit in a conference room and have a chat. And talk about how I felt about things.
So, when I started crying (because that's evidently what I do now when I am at work) I launched into "I know I seem to be crying a lot lately, but I think it's all the stuff with my mother -- "
And then my bottom lip started bouncing and convulsing and I completely lost my shit. Tears were springing out of my eyes like I was in a Disney cartoon. You could look for my shit in the Lost and Found but you wouldn't find it. I was gone. Attention, Target Shoppers. We have some shit here, dressed in a green jumper, that appears to be lost.
My boss was quite nice, and in that problem-solving way that non-sobbing professionals have, she started talking about the Employee Assistance Plan and grief counseling. When I told Gary about how I was going to increase the anti-depressants AND go to counseling, Gary said, "You know we had Indian food for lunch. Maybe that's what did it."
"Indian food."
"Yeah, all those strange spices. You don't know how that might have affected you."
So. more anti-depressants, grief counseling, no more Indian food. How do other people do this?
Personally? I eat all the Indian food I want because it makes me happy. Very, very happy. And as for crying, I don't do it much anymore. I would just about rather die than have someone see me cry. I especially don't want to cry at home, for fear I won't be able to stop.
When my mom died, I barely cried at all. Six weeks later when Princess Diana died, I cried so hard for four days that the neck of my shirt was wet. Denial, transference, stuffing your feelings. That's how I deal.
I don't recommend it. Grief counseling. You should go.
Posted by: Becs | July 27, 2008 at 07:01 AM
I've called the not-so-secret number on the Employee Assistance Plan business cards a couple of times. The people I've talked to there have been pretty good. Friends and family are better, and doctors who can prescribe the appropriate medication.
My personal favorite is doctors who can prescribe the appropriate medication AND tell you not to drink alcohol while you are taking the medication, but then when you press them, they'll admit that the real reason they tell you not to do this is that the alcohol heightens the effect of the medication so you basically become a cheap date. Knowing that made me feel pretty good, actually.
Grief counseling is best if you can get it, and you can, so I agree ... go.
Posted by: wyo | July 27, 2008 at 09:07 AM
Not that I'm discounting repressed grief (my mother experienced intense grief when her mother died, and required counseling) but isn't emotional lability also a complication of MS???
I'm a represser. Which may be why whiskey is always so attractive.
My uninformed opinion is, do whatever makes you feel better. Except the whiskey. That's not really good for you, either. Just ask my liver.
Posted by: Christy | July 27, 2008 at 09:13 AM
Champion repressor here. I consider it a special ability to pretend like I'm not feeling anything, but ohmygod is the crashing bad when it happens.
I think you have a good plan in place. Especially the Indian food, because that's totally got to be contributing.
Posted by: Katie | July 27, 2008 at 09:36 AM
I've just been informed by "he who thinks he knows all" that my medication isn't working and I need to make an appt. He didn't specify and appt. with who, so I'm thinking divorce lawyer works for me.
Posted by: Shania | July 27, 2008 at 10:00 AM
When my sis died, I cried every single day for almost a year. Sometimes I cried, very, very hard, to the point where I thought "Dang, I am losing my mind." She died in May of last year, and now I am down to just crying 3-4 times a week. I don't really care if I should be over it by now. She was my best friend and life fucking sucks without her and (ok, I'm crying again) and I'm not going to take medication or "get over it." I'm going to do my best and keep on keeping on, but I am still sad.
Posted by: Suebob | July 27, 2008 at 10:00 AM
When my ex-father-in-law died suddenly, I was a wreck and I loathed the man. So crying at the drop of a hat for someone you really liked seems perfectly reasonable to me.
While you don't really need an excuse, I've found when you tell people it's hormones, they nod knowingly and slowly back away, afraid to make any sudden movements. But that may be because I suddenly turn evil and they're afraid of me.
Posted by: Heidi | July 27, 2008 at 10:18 AM
PS. If you deal with the EAP, please ready yourself to go through an auditioning process. The EAP chooses cheap / inexpensive providers, usually social workers. I know someone who's had amazing luck with one, but I went through at least three on my EAP before finding Dr. L, who is a psychiatrist. Make sure there's a true meeting of minds.
Posted by: Becs | July 27, 2008 at 10:47 AM
I have to imagine Teddy J has a better EAP than Elliott. Call. Counsel. Cry. It's all okay. And with the birthday month quickly approaching, pick somewhere other than Indian food for us to take you for a birthday lunch.
Posted by: Caroline | July 27, 2008 at 11:33 AM
Well, my hand's been in the air since Friday. Is it safe to lower it now?
Seriously, I think that grief manifests itself in all manner of ways. As does Indian food. So it sounds like you're making good choices.
Posted by: Candy | July 27, 2008 at 12:18 PM
See, honey, you stood up and flushed, but the ballcock is broken and the turd in still in the toilet. You need a new ball cock.
Posted by: #3 (since now I'm abbreviated) | July 27, 2008 at 03:22 PM
Or fish it out with a net and find another toilet since your regular one ain't workin'. Metaphor: EAP
Been there. Done that. And I SELL the t-shirts.
Posted by: #3 (since now I'm abbreviated) | July 27, 2008 at 03:25 PM
What is Indian food usually served with? Rice!
Aha!
Uh, for me, lavish doses of Indian food applied on a regular schedule is the proper treatment for grief, so I'm not much help.
Grief does look a lot like depression, from the inside and the outside. The counselor (not a grief specialist) I saw after Dad died couldn't tell the difference, but after some discussion, my doctor and I could.
Wishing you the best.
Posted by: Elsa | July 27, 2008 at 04:53 PM
wine? whine and wine?
cheese?
ice cream?
good luck. pulling for you.
Posted by: magpie | July 27, 2008 at 05:20 PM
Seriously, Indian food? "Strange" spices, like what? Tumeric?
I trust you to know you best, period. But please do get what you need, you totally deserve it. I'm thinking of you!
Posted by: Sugared Harpy | July 27, 2008 at 05:36 PM
Becs - I hate the crying at work. It's the worst ever.
wyo - Good to know. I'm curious to see if it's like other counseling.
Christy - Alcohol has no appeal for me when I'm sad. I'd just be sad and drunk. And there were some emotional lability issues earlier in my MS. But I'm pretty convinced it's Dead Mom Syndrome, since I thought about her all day and I'm pretty weepy.
Katie - And you're married to a doctor now, so you would know about the Inidan food.
Shania - Hah! No. Not really?
SueBob - I'm so sorry. A year is the timetable? Because I can't consider doing this for a year. How did you make it?
Heidi - Well, I don't know if anyone is going to be crossing my path for the next few weeks, anyway. Word spreads...
Becs - Lord, that's going to take even longer. But you are right.
Caroline - Yeah, it's just that I'm still not convinced TeddyJ wants to commit to me.
Candy - You must be exhausted! Hands down now.
#3 - No one knows what you are talking about.
Elsa - Thanks - I know there's an answer out there somewhere. It's just that I want it now. Before I go back to work.
Magpie - I think I picked a bad week to start a diet.
Sugared Harpy - Yep, I think it might be the Tumeric. I know I can't eat Tandoori chicken.
Posted by: TheQueen | July 28, 2008 at 12:34 AM
Really, just because you're American, doesn't mean you have to talk about how you feel to a stranger (apart from us here, of course, and we're not strangers). Your mother died, you're sad, that's what happens - I mean, it's natural, you just need to handle it your way and not feel obliged to follow some sort of programme. Me, I button it up and eat a lot of toast. Professional grief counsellor? Shudder.
Posted by: Big Dot | July 28, 2008 at 04:15 AM
Aw, I'm so sorry. When my grandmother (to whom I was very close) died last year, I was pretty dry eyed, and a deacon friend of my father's told me that I shouldn't be surprised if, two weeks, three months, or a year down the road I found myself crying for no reason. It's not a matter of repression, I don't think - or at least, not a sign that you're "doing it wrong," or that you'd get better quicker if you talked it out with someone...I think it's just what happens. There are lots of reasons to cry - missing her, feeling guilty if you're not missing her - you really can't win. It's lovely that we have such a hold on one another...but I'm so sorry you're sad.
Posted by: TasterSpoon | July 28, 2008 at 12:06 PM
Hey, I know what #3 means. Sit back down and read a good book. Then you can try flushing again.
And Teddy J loves you. You drank the Koolaid; you're one of us.
Posted by: Caroline | July 28, 2008 at 08:50 PM
Big Dot - Yep, I'm not looking forward to it but it's the only way I can think of to fix this crying thing. Really, I just need to control it so I'm not crying at work. I'll be happy to cry anywhere else.
TasterSpoon - Thank you - but I can't just go on bursting into tears at work. I've got an apointment Tuesday. Maybe he'll ask really apinful questions and I'll get it all out for the week. Kind of like Colin and Thursdays.
Caroline - TeddyJ did feed me today.
Posted by: TheQueen | July 28, 2008 at 11:55 PM