After, what, twenty-something years Gary and I are starting to work on one of our most fundamental problems: our expectations about help.
This after yet another morning in which Gary woke me by screaming "Wake UP! It's 6:45!" (pause) "6:50, sweetie!" (pause) "Sweetie! It's 6:55! WAKE UP!" This screaming is unsolicited, it is unappreciated, and it has made me hate the term "Sweetie." Shut the hell up, Sweetie.
On the days I wake up before Gary, he wakes up and bellows, "AUUGH! It's 6:50! I'm late! Why didn't you wake me up?" I scream in my head, "Because you are a grown man. Adults can wake themselves up without being nagged awake."
I asked him recently how he woke up when he lived those six years as a bachelor without me, and how perhaps he might want to hearken back to those days, because I intended to treat him as a grown man.
His answer? His mommy called every day to wake him up.
The big breakthrough came on the fifth of July. We were to be at the in-laws at 1:00 pm. At 11:15 Gary's sister Karen called. To remind him. To wake him up. To control him. To treat him like a child.
"To help me out!" Gary explained.
"Did you ask her to?"
"No. She was just being nice. She was helping."
"Nagging."
"No! SHE was being nice. SHHHHEEEE was being considerate by reminding me and making sure I was awake." Unlike YOU, hung in the thought balloon over his head.
"Aha!" I said, "Here I've been treating you with respect, like a grownup, and you want help."
(Take a moment to remember my mother, and her disabilities, and how she would flail her feeble useless arms at you if you even looked like you were going to try to help her. Thank you.)
So, I've been more in tune with Gary's expectations of help, and I try to live my life thinking WWWD (What would Wilma do?). This came in handy in Louisville this past weekend. As we left the hotel room, Gary said, "It's probably going to rain."
"Let's bring the umbrella," I said, reasonably.
"NO! I don't want the umbrella. We'll be fine."
Of course it rained, of course he complained, of course he blamed me for not bringing the umbrella. I realized, WWWD? She would have forced the umbrella on him while he yelled and physically fought her off. This is what is expected of me.
The next day we were in the gift shop, buying him a package of cough drops. "Let's buy two," I said, "It's a long drive back."
"No, I just want one."
I swung into Wilma Mode. "Ring these up, too," I said to the cashier.
"No! I said I don't want those!"
"Just ignore him," I said to the cashier, and she listened to me. Because I'm the Mom!
It's good to know the secret to Gary's expectations, but I don't want a baby, I want a man.
Perhaps it's time for a spanking.
Grrr...One of the biggest things that bugged me (for 20 years) about Xman was his refusal to get himself out of bed and to work on time. I can't begin to say how much this infuriated me and I completely lost it when he yelled at me about not waking him up. I told him time and time again that a grown man should be able to get himself out of bed and in to work on time. (This was before I diagnosed him as a narcissist. I didn't know what I was up against.)
I told him I wasn't going to do it anymore and one weekday, he slept until 1:30 PM. He started to give me hell about it and it was talk to the hand from then on.
Cough drops. Just one step on the slippery slope. Just sayin.
Posted by: Becs | July 18, 2008 at 05:55 AM
His mother woke up earlier than he needed to be up every day for 6 years just so she could call him? No freaking way.
My daughter and her cousin (both 4) spent the night with their grandparents Wednesday. I had told my daughter she needed to get up and get ready with no whining or delaying Thursday because her cousin has morning swim lessons (at 9:00). I guess she took her responsibility seriously, because she got out of bed at 5:45 and woke up grandma so they could be on time.
Posted by: Caroline | July 18, 2008 at 06:40 AM
Gah. Don't even get me started on this subject.
Needless to say, I can relate.
Posted by: Heidi | July 18, 2008 at 07:18 AM
After watching my Dad all these years, men are babies. They need women to survive. Period. That's why there are only "a few good men".
What about alarm clocks? Or is that old fashioned?
Posted by: #0.75 | July 18, 2008 at 07:49 AM
#0.75, I totally agree. Men are the biggest babies on the planet.
Posted by: Friend #1 | July 18, 2008 at 09:00 AM
Even if they pretend to be men when you meet them, they always revert back to child when they co-habitate with women. It's an amazing thing.
Perhaps if you baby him enough, he will find himself disgusted enough at being married to his mother that he'll realize he has to grow up? And pigs will fly that week too.
Posted by: Candy | July 18, 2008 at 09:16 AM
Ugh. Ya I get the 'just a few more minutes' for just a few too many mornings.
Posted by: Lisa Emrich | July 18, 2008 at 10:07 AM
I can relate, too, but probably more to Gary's sister. Extrapolating from my own experience with my husband, perhaps when Gary was younger, or bachelored, he had a tardiness problem????? I have to start getting Tom ready long in advance, or we'd never be, nor he'd never be anywhere on time. (And by "on time" I now mean somewhere in the vicinity of an hour)
I'd love for Tom to be the grown up and be able to get himself up and out of the house in a timely fashion, but alas, it is just not to be. It's probably the biggest sticking point in our relationship.
Posted by: christy | July 18, 2008 at 10:46 AM
Perhaps it would be less galling if you considered it less childlike behavior, and more of a *preference to delegate responsibility.*
As long as he's come into wealth recently, perhaps he could get a butler.
Posted by: TasterSpoon | July 18, 2008 at 01:11 PM
We have similar problems, except that my husband has a horrible wench for a mother and subsequently has the opposite problem- he expects nothing and also does nothing if not explicitly asked.
He also likes to nap and would do so every evening from about 7 to 10 if I let him, only then he goes to sleep at like 3 in the morning and spends the entire next day bitching incessantly about how tired he is. I've had to set napping restrictions just because it drives me nuts. I think I've decided that all wives, to a certain extent, are second mothers. It's just our role.
And hey, at least your husband is making you wealthy. Mine is dragging us about $250 more into debt each day. It's a good thing I love him a lot.
Posted by: Katie | July 18, 2008 at 06:59 PM
Christy - I think you are married to Xman. Good luck.
Posted by: Becs | July 19, 2008 at 03:09 PM
Becs - The strange thing is, since Ive started doing it, he's been helping me out more.
Caroline - You have some special gift for threatening your daughter. I still remember how good she was at the tea.
Heidi - I am sorry.
0.75 - The universal gay / dtaright point of view - why is it that the mythology has it so backwards? Women are taken care of. Obviously, women write the mythology.
Friend #1- Where you been! They aren;'t as cute as babies.
Candy -I think Gary needed help even when we didn't co-hab.
Lisa Emrich - But, then, is it your fault> Tahts the killer.
Christy - Good to accept it early on.
TasterSpoon - Ha. If only he could delegate at his job. We did have a talking clock until it became brutally annoying.
Katie - A DAY? Damn.
Becs - Talk amongst yourselves.
Posted by: TheQueen | July 20, 2008 at 12:08 PM
I think that a nice spanking would do Gary some good. But could you get it on video, then post a link to that video on your blog? (Just asking...)
Posted by: Bruce | August 05, 2008 at 05:44 PM
Bruce - But then, everyone would hears how Gary screams like a woman.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 06, 2008 at 12:09 AM