Conversation while ordering Chinese Delivery for Chinese New Year lunch:
Me: I want to get Special Fried Rice, but I can't. My system doesn't like it any more.
Friend #3: What do you want then?
Me: The Sweet and Sour Pork lunch special.
Friend #3: White Rice or Fried Rice?
Me: (sub-second pause) Fried Rice.
Friend #3: You're killing me.
Me: No, it's the Special Fried Rice I have a problem with. That's just regular Fried Rice.
Friend #3: Egg Drop Soup or can of soda?
Me: I would have the Soup but I'm allergic to raw eggs.
Friend #3: Give me a break. Egg Drop Soup is fully cooked.
Me: Yeah, as fully cooked as tepid chicken broth can cook an egg.
Friend #3: It is fully. Cooked.
Me: My colon would disagree with you.
Friend #3: Your colon is full of shit.